Tag Archives: Madea

Imperial Trouble Episode 98: You And I Can Be A Madea

Imperial Trouble Episode 98: You And I Can Be A Madea


In this episode, we discuss a dubious nickname we found for John the Baptist on the internet, and the director’s commentary for the Method Man/Redman movie How High. A joke about Tom Cruise falls flat.

Guest hosts: Kristina Ackerman, Rich Aviles, and Tony Jenkins.

Trapped In The Belly Of A Whale: An Impassioned Plea From A Hologram Tupac In An Alternate Dimension

Trapped In The Belly Of A Whale: An Impassioned Plea From A Hologram Tupac In An Alternate Dimension

People of Coachella. It’s me. Hologram Tupac. I know the last thing that people want to see at a festival is an artificial intelligence beg for his life, unless you’re at a Blade Runner convention, or a RealDoll engineers’ company picnic that has gone south.

There Is No Arguing With Results: Jokes About Orville Redenbacher, LL Cool J And Facebook

There Is No Arguing With Results: Jokes About Orville Redenbacher, LL Cool J And Facebook

A lot of people think that the first person to cut a hole in a tub of popcorn to put their dick inside of it was a guy in a movie theater trying to get a handjob. Actually, it was Orville Redenbacher. He used his penis as a measuring stick. Anytime he wanted to test a new flavor of gourmet popcorn with a focus group, he’d fill a tub and put his dick inside. If all he could see afterwards was the tip, he knew it was back to the drawing board. But if the level of popcorn dropped to the base of his shaft, he knew he had a winner. In fact, this is where the phrase “Poppycock” comes from. He’d get so excited about a successful new line of popcorn, he’d try to yell, “Popcorn Cock!” but would get too worked up to say all the syllables.

Star Trek

I watched Star Trek last weekend on Netflix Instant Streaming. They didn’t have it in HD! For shame, Netflix! Look, I understand that some things are going to be in standard definition. If I’m streaming season one of Mama’s Family, I don’t need every blue hair on Thelma Harper’s head to be in crisp high definition. But Star Trek? That’s like having a machine that makes Dairy Queen Blizzards and serving up McFlurries instead. Turn on that Blizzard machine, Dairy Queen! That having been said, I’ve seen Mama’s Family in 1080p and it’s visually stunning. Just amazing, the detail on her apron and pearl necklace.

Tyler Perry is in this movie but he isn’t dressed like Madea. I wish he was, though. I wish any time someone in Starfleet won a medal or got promoted, Madea had to perform the ceremony. They could say she was resurrected from DNA or she’s a holodeck simulation like when Picard got to match wits with Moriarty and wear a Sherlock Holmes hat. I googled that and it turns out Data was the one wearing the hat. I don’t care that I remembered a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode incorrectly. Oh, I’m Madea! I’m a wise old lady in a dress! Here’s your Star Trek gold medal! Shazam! I clearly have never been to see a Madea film. I’m sorry. Who am I apologizing to? The holographic Madea in the Star Trek future, of course.

Still an amazing movie, though. Leonard Nimoy shows up to play old Spock and meet young Kirk and young Spock. All those Vulcans wearing bowl haircuts. Is that all they have in Vulcan barbershops? Bowls? I guess they always have a place to put their cereal. Well, at least they did until their whole planet got blown up. No, our booooowls!

Winona Ryder is Spock’s mom. She should start a band called Spock’s Mom. You know she’d have to cover “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.” Leonard Nimoy rolling his eyes in the crowd, thinking, ‘Why did I ever record that shit I hate you Youtube.’

Chris Pine is the Captain Kirk-iest Captain Kirk that ever there was. I bet William Shatner thought he swapped bodies with Chris Pine. Calling him up in the middle of the night, give me my body back! But he had the wrong number and called George Takei instead. Sulu, give me that body back! Well, that’s going to lead to romantic confusion.  Man, I got pictures of all three of those dudes: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy and George Takei. Take that, people without extensive collections of photographs of Star Trek luminaries.

I bet Zachary Quinto is glad he got the role of Spock because Heroes turned out to be really terrible. Now he can tell everybody he was in one of the best science fiction movies ever made. That’s right. THE BEST. Simon Pegg is even in this thing and when Simon Pegg shows up nerd goosebumps are sure to follow. Speaking of goosebumps, I fed some geese in the park today on my lunchbreak. And there was a bossy duck in the pond who was going QUACK QUACK QUACK! What do you want from me, duck?! I named him Spike because his feathers were all ruffled and they looked like spikes. That’s it for the duck story.

Oh- and the green lady Captain Kirk was making out with looked like She-Hulk. Too bad J.J. Abrams wasn’t like let’s just put She-Hulk in this thing we already got Madea. Apple used a still photo from Star Trek to advertise its iPad and iPod products for a while. Kiss my ass, Apple, this movie is cooler than you. I wrote Steve Jobs an email one time and he never even replied. Booooooooo, Steve Jobs.