Tag Archives: magazine

Holding A Butt With A Dead Man’s Hand: Waiting For The Light To Turn With Big Sean’s “Dance (A$$) Remix Ft. Nicki Minaj”

Holding A Butt With A Dead Man’s Hand: Waiting For The Light To Turn With Big Sean’s “Dance (A$$) Remix Ft. Nicki Minaj”

I’m waiting to turn left on the corner of Freedom Parkway and Ponce de Leon Avenue, when a man approaches my car and taps on my window. He motions for me to roll my window down. I just look at him. I don’t even turn down the radio, so he scowls and continues to move his lips soundlessly on the other side of the glass, as I continue to say, “What? What?!”

Nothing Except Snakes, Of Course: An Essay Inspired By The Trailer For “Nothing Left To Fear”

Nothing Except Snakes, Of Course: An Essay Inspired By The Trailer For “Nothing Left To Fear”

I had never known Whit to be a prankster, but nothing else explained why there was what appeared to be a decent-sized snake hanging inside my window. Very funny, Whit.

El Maestro Becomes El Estudiante, Indeed: A Review Of The Trailer For “Ender’s Game”

El Maestro Becomes El Estudiante, Indeed: A Review Of The Trailer For “Ender’s Game”

In which Kate Sweeney and Hilary Kelley discuss the trailer for Ender’s Game.

HILARY

Kate, I know we’ve been dancing around it for a while, now, but it’s time we did something about this trailer. In fact, I think this movie came out in the theaters, went to DVD, and was even put out on VHS for a limited run. And still we sat here, and still we said nothing.

That’s Just My Morally-Objectionable Baby Daddy: A Review Of The Trailer For “Delivery Man”

That’s Just My Morally-Objectionable Baby Daddy: A Review Of The Trailer For “Delivery Man”

In which Johnny Carroll and Winston Blake Wheeler Ward review the trailer for the Vince Vaughn “What am I going to do about all these babies?!” movie Delivery Man.

WINSTON

So, the question Delivery Man proposes is this: How would you react if you found out that your discarded sperm had been used to impregnate hundreds of women? I’m going to direct the question at you, Johnny.

Devil May Care: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Care Bears Movie 2: A New Generation”

Devil May Care: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Care Bears Movie 2: A New Generation”

Before we had a kid, my wife and I did some research about the best way to raise children in an interfaith family. There seem to be a number of spiritual hazards, not the least of which is confusing your kid to the point where they eventually reject their comparatively liberal, mostly Jewish upbringing and jump off the theological deep end, handling snakes, embracing polygamy, ritualistically eating peyote in backyard sweat-lodges or injecting, without irony, the phrase “Whore of Babylon” into conversations with uncomfortable coworkers.

Davy Jones’ Bare Little English Thighs: Catholic School, Sex Ed, And The Little Prince

Davy Jones’ Bare Little English Thighs: Catholic School, Sex Ed, And The Little Prince

In 1989, I was a fourth grader at the Immaculate Heart of Mary school in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio. For some inexplicable reason, the Catholic grade-school version of sex education had been added to the curriculum that year. Life is confusing enough when you’re 9 years old; throwing God and sex into the mix concurrently was more than my tender, dweeby little soul could process.

Like A PayPal Made Of Guns: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Secret Of The Sword”

Like A PayPal Made Of Guns: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Secret Of The Sword”

In which Jason and Chris Alonzo review the trailer for The Secret Of The Sword.

JASON

Hey, Chris.

Did you notice that the world of He-Man and She-Ra seems like a violent, Cormac McCarthyian place? Every character in The Secret Of The Sword seems to be shooting a laser, firing a crossbow, or clanging a sword against something. People seem to literally be firing wildly into the air at all times on Eternia. At one point someone fires a bolt of energy at an unarmed king seated at a dinner table. Is there no cornbread for old kings?!

Eat Me Under A Chandelier: A Letter From A Newly Hired Ghostbuster

Eat Me Under A Chandelier: A Letter From A Newly Hired Ghostbuster

As the newest hire to the Ghostbusting team, I have to ask myself, will I be an ethical Ghostbuster? Sure, if I see a ghost stuffing his mouth full of fancy hot dogs right in front of me at a ritzy hotel à la Slimer, then yes, absolutely—I’ll shoot a ghost right in his face with my proton pack. But what about the other ghosts whose crimes aren’t as clear?

The Love Song of J. Jonah Jameson

The Love Song of J. Jonah Jameson

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

That’s from a poem. It’s called “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” by T.S. Eliot. A very smart man told me once that poetry was a fail-safe way to get a woman to fall in love with me. Now, granted, he did go crazy and try to take down the city with a set of mechanical octopus arms, but I do think he was on to something with this. I wish this were just a love letter. But I have a lot I want to tell you, and I’m afraid some of it may be hard to hear.

First things first. I, Peter Parker, am Spider-Man.

Language Is A Virus Robitussin Can’t Cure: A Review Of The Trailer For Alien³

Language Is A Virus Robitussin Can’t Cure: A Review Of The Trailer For Alien³

In 1992, I was twenty-two, hard bitten before my years, and entitled to a cynicism which I didn’t rightfully earn. I looked toward an uncertain future and a horizon that scrolled further away as I came near. Will I be famous before thirty? Am I the one who will change the world? How can I get that dark haired hippie chick in the Phish t-shirt and hemp ankle bracelet’s phone number?

How Many People Do You Think Are Inside Of Ben Stiller Right Now: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty”

How Many People Do You Think Are Inside Of Ben Stiller Right Now: A Review Of The Trailer For “The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty”

Welcome to Part 2 of Winston Blake Wheeler Ward and Jay Hansbrough’s review of the trailer for The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

Unfortunately, Part 1 of the review has been redacted by the NSA due to a long and rambling editor’s note in which Jason Mallory explains how somebody ought to make a ring you put on your esophagus that’s like Mr. Fusion in Back to the Future II, except it converts food to pure energy and nutrients and nobody ever needs to poop again, and you can use the space in your stomach for robotic upgrades. When asked for an explanation, the NSA would only disclose that they felt the note “disrupted the flow of the writing,” and was too “forward thinking.”

The discussion also included Winston’s survival tips for the apocalypse that NSA agents deemed “so Raven,” and Jay’s recipe for pecan pie that the NSA classified as “so good it’ll make you want to slap your grandmother…and illegally monitor all of her public and private communications.”

So, technically, the following should be considered Part 2 of 1.

Don’t Get Your Hopes Up, You’re A Dude: Cosplaying Against Type At Dragon Con

Don’t Get Your Hopes Up, You’re A Dude: Cosplaying Against Type At Dragon Con

“Are you okay?” the Guy With The Beautiful Eyes asks, sliding into the seat next to me, which, until just moments before, had been occupied by a Steampunk Banana.

Given that so many people roaming this and the surrounding hotels are covered in blood, many of them feigning dismemberment, and some even dragging disembodied limbs behind them, it’s surprising that my bandages would bear mentioning, but at Dragon Con, I guess this is what passes for cocktail chitchat.

I Look Forward To Kneeling At Her Throne Made From The Bones Of Mortals: A Review Of The Trailer For Steel Magnolias

I Look Forward To Kneeling At Her Throne Made From The Bones Of Mortals: A Review Of The Trailer For Steel Magnolias

In which Gina Rickicki and Benjamin Carr review the trailer for Steel Magnolias.

BEN
My first experience with Steel Magnolias was looking at my mom’s eyes after she saw it for the first time. They were all red from crying, but she was smiling. So when I asked her if she liked it, she said yes, and I asked her if it was a comedy or a drama. And she said it was both.

In the movie, Dolly Parton says that laughter through tears is her favorite emotion, so I realize now that my mom had been gobsmacked by this movie. Since I’d just sat through The War of the Roses instead, I felt robbed. So I watched it on video. And then I rewound it and watched it again. And then I watched it again. And then I would just rewind that locker room scene with all the naked football players and watch that a couple times. And then I would watch it again. I think I’ve memorized Steel Magnolias by now. Which is a good thing. Because every other gay man in the city has, too.

No Stranger To Stuffing: A Review Of The Trailer For “All Is Lost”

No Stranger To Stuffing: A Review Of The Trailer For “All Is Lost”

You know, my stepdad’s brother had a sailboat like Robert Redford’s in All Is Lost. He mostly kept it docked in Savannah, and sat around on it listening to Bonnie Raitt songs and drinking beer. When I was twelve, he took me out on the ocean, and after it got too hot I went below deck and curled up on some life preservers, and listened to the sound of the water lapping against the side of the boat, daydreaming about a girl I had a crush on who had crimped bangs.

Where’s The Button On Yelp For “Doesn’t Honor Pancakes?” A Review Of The Trailer For Thor: The Dark World

Where’s The Button On Yelp For “Doesn’t Honor Pancakes?” A Review Of The Trailer For Thor: The Dark World

Wow, Thor just hit that giant in the face with his magic hammer and turned him into a pile of rocks.

thor_giant

I had a run-in of my own with a giant last weekend, at the Zaxby’s near my house. I’ve been trying to eat at this particular Zaxby’s as much as I can before it becomes Poncified. Poncification is the process in which the baked-into-the-pavement entropy on Atlanta’s Ponce de Leon Avenue mixes with the Skid-Rowvian desperation in the air and seeps into nearby businesses and homes.