Tag Archives: Mass Effect 2

Mass Effect 3: Reinstated

Mass Effect 3: Reinstated

In which Jason and Everett Steele, co-creator of Bon-Rappetite, discuss the Mass Effect 3: Reinstated Trailer.

J: I haven’t seen a soldier this threatened by an enormous squid since Beetle Bailey’s girlfriend made him try an Ika Maki roll at Benihana. And by Beetle Bailey’s girlfriend, I mean Sarge. I have to say, the female Commander Shepard in this trailer looks a little like a grown-up Pippi Longstocking. Which explains why the two newest companions in her squad are a spotted horse and a monkey named Mr. Nilsson. Don’t worry, the horse is a biotic and the monkey keeps Medi-gel packs under his comical straw hat.

I’m Sure His Skeleton Will Have Time Lord Bones: A Review of “Doctor Who Series 6”

I’m Sure His Skeleton Will Have Time Lord Bones: A Review of “Doctor Who Series 6”

This review contains spoilers.

The Doctor is in America! He has a cowboy hat. But River Song shoots his hat off his head. This woman is so reckless with guns. I saw her shoot a dude that was just walking behind her without even looking over her shoulder. Everybody on the show just seems to accept it, like “Well she seems to know what she’s doing.” It’s like if a little kid had a flamethrower and a handwritten note that said “FLAMTHOWER XPURT” and he was lighting houses on fire but all the adults just shrugged and said, “Who are we to stop him? He has certification.”

Anyway, the Doctor gets shot in the face with a laser by a little girl in an astronaut suit and dies before he can regenerate. Man, they just let the kids run wild at Space Camp these days. But it’s a version of the Doctor from two hundred years in the future, so whatever. I’m sure his skeleton will have Time Lord bones or something and another British guy will emerge from his ribcage.

Then the current Doctor goes to the White House and meets President Nixon. He fights some aliens called the Silence because you forget them after you see them. Also, a bunch of stuff happens with River Song and Amy Pond being pregnant and the little girl in the space suit again. There was way too much going on in one episode. It was like being on the haunted house ride at the fair where things keep getting thrown out at you while you ride in a cart. Hideous aliens! Amy’s mysterious pregnancy! President Nixon played by a man who looks nothing like him! Now the little girl is a time lord?! Also, Rory! Come to think of it, things getting thrown out at you while you ride in a cart is considered a traditional wedding in my hometown of Milledgeville, Georgia.

The Doctor ends up on a pirate ship because a beautiful siren surrounded by glowing green light is luring sailors away after marking their hands with a black spot, much like the girl stamping hands for reentry at any rave near a naval base. I went to a rave on New Year’s Eve once and danced all night by myself while my friend drunkenly sat in a nearby chair. Of course, dancing all night by yourself while your friend sits drunkenly in a nearby chair is also considered a traditional wedding in my hometown of Milledgeville, Georgia.

Turns out the siren is a spaceship’s medical bay artificial intelligence and it thinks the sailors are sick or something so the Doctor says hey pirates want some advanced technology and gives them the ship even though up to this point they were the robbing and murdering kind of pirates. Then the Doctor answers a distress call on a trash planet and the TARDIS gets put inside a woman, marking the first time that phrase has been used to describe the actual transmutation of the TARDIS software into a living human’s brain and not a Doctor Who fan’s nickname for her vibrator.

Then the Doctor goes to a factory where people are having clones made of themselves and using them as avatars for dangerous factory work. But the avatars come to life! I wish my Xbox Live avatar would come to life, maybe it would justify the five dollars I spent on Mass Effect 2 dragon armor for him. Also, the two dollars I spent on the lightsaber he waves half-heartedly when I turn on my Xbox. “Oh hello! Yes, I’m…really enjoying…this lightsaber you bought for me. And the armor. There’s no one for me to fight here, but it’s nice to just…wave it. Back and forth. Whoosh. When the inevitable war against Xbox Live avatars comes, I’ll be the first line of defense.”

The mid-season finale was particularly crazy. First of all, Amy Pond has been a fake avatar Amy this whole time. Second of all, the real Amy is pregnant with a baby version of River Song. Third, the baby River Song is a Time Lord because she was conceived inside the TARDIS. Fourth, a woman with an eyepatch has stolen the baby River Song to use her as a weapon against the Doctor. It could have been worse, though— usually when an old woman missing an eye steals a baby, it’s to put in a stew.

You know, it seems like just because you conceive a baby inside a vehicle doesn’t mean the baby would take on the traits or abilities of said vehicle. But far be it from me to go against Doctor Who’s airtight baby genetics logic. See you in September, Doctor Who!

Imperial Trouble Episode 27: Ben Boardman, Zach Gaskins and Jason Carlile of Star Command

Imperial Trouble Episode 27: Ben Boardman, Zach Gaskins and Jason Carlile of Star Command

Play

Star Command! Sam and Jason welcome Ben Boardman, Zach Gaskins and Jason Carlile to discuss the voyages of the Starship USS Robert E. Lee, Star Trek, the autistic kid from St. Elsewhere, Dungeons and Dragons, romance in Mass Effect 2 and teenage vampire slayers.

He Don’t Dance Like Carlton (Mass Effect 2)

He Don’t Dance Like Carlton (Mass Effect 2)

An evaluation of my second playthrough of Mass Effect 2, which I first reviewed in February.

I played Mass Effect 2 as a woman this time. This lady Commander Shepard is very dear to my heart. She was the Mass Effect character I created after I got burglarized and my first Xbox 360 was stolen. Burns me up thinking of my very first Commander Shepard out there in some thief’s house, never to continue his adventures. He looked like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and had a scar over his eye. He didn’t dance like Carlton, though. What if one day the police call me and say hey we know it’s been three years but we found your stolen Xbox and now you can play your Carlton look-alike Mass Effect guy in Mass Effect 2. I don’t know why the police would be so interested in me finishing a ME campaign, but I salute their enthusiasm. What a silly dreamer I am.

Speaking of silly dreams- I kid you not last night I had a dream about a giant muscular kangaroo, at least thirty feet tall, wearing red trunks and red boxing gloves punching car hoods in the middle of the interstate. Next thing you know, I’m trying to convince Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg to get on a ferris wheel. Dr. Dre was like, “You said we wouldn’t go higher than thirty feet!”

Commander Veronica Shepard (I was watching Veronica Mars at the time and had a wee bit of a crush on Kristen Bell) had a sassy short haircut, full kissable lips and a dark complexion. I had her involved in a romance with Thane the amphibian-spiritual-Buddhist-sort-of-human-assassin but then he got all gushy with the feelings talk so at the end of the game I kept putting him in charge of stuff where I was pretty sure he would get killed off for good. Is that how you girls do it? If I was a woman and some guy started all that flowery nonsense I might be tempted to put him in front a geth bullet, too. Thane took a shot right in the gut and died honorably without ever finding out how much I was rolling my eyes at his fussy little declarations of love.

Then not five seconds after getting back on the Normandy I had my ship’s yeoman Kelly Chambers doing a strip tease for me in my captain’s chambers. Now that’s how you grieve! I really like that this game gives you the option to have a lady strip for your lady captain before your boyfriend’s body was even cold. Or warm. I don’t know how it works with lizard/fish dudes.

This time I took the thief Kasumi with me on a lot of missions because I paid Microsoft a bunch of Microsoft bucks to have her as a downloadable character. For as much as I paid for her teleporting ass, she needs to be the one stripping in my captain’s chambers. Also, I tried to make sure that the crazy-bionic-bald-headed-tattooed girl Jack survived to the end of the game because my other Commander Shepard played with her heart and hurt her feelings then she took the bullet to the gut that was clearly meant for Thane. So by this logic, I’m trying to make it up to an imaginary video game character for past injustices. Oh hey Xbox 360 game character, I know you are made of pixels and aren’t real and all but I’m so obsessed with this story that I feel a strange obligation to see you safely to the end of the game this time around.  See, this is how cosplay gets started. Not sexy cosplay either, like fatty in a Stormtrooper outfit eating a Philly cheesesteak sandwich sitting on a box of comic books at a convention cosplay.

At the end of the game I blew up the Collector base ship and pissed off the The Illusive Man, aka Martin Sheen’s voice and face with some weird glowing eye circles, so we’ll see how that goes whenever Mass Effect 3 comes out. Guess I’ll just kill the next year or whatever doing dumb non-Mass Effect related activities like spending time with loved ones or sustaining my body with food and oxygen. I suppose I could start trying to breed that super kangaroo I dreamed about. Anybody got a pair of enormous kangaroo boxing shorts and a working knowledge of kangaroo genetics? Not so fast, Dr. Dre! That’s not what your doctorate is in! You’re just trying to get off that Ferris wheel.

Mass Effect 2

In Mass Effect 2, Commander Shepard’s ship gets cut in half by a laser beam and his body gets fried up in space and he dies a horrible death. THE END.

Actually, a shady corporation (Cerberus) puts a considerable amount of resources and money into resurrecting him with needles and fluids and buzzing machines via a process they have dubbed “The Lazarus Project”. Way to strain your imagination naming your incredible new technology that gives life back to the dead. “Hey what was the name of that guy in the bible who came back to life?” “Uh..Lazarus” “Let’s call this thing The Lazarus Project” “It’s not the Zombie Machine no more?” “Nuh-uh.”

Commander Shepard works for Cerberus now! In the first game he was a take-no-shit-from-anyone Alliance military captain who hated Cerberus and now he’s their undead corporate enforcer. Shepard answers to The Illusive Man, ably played by Martin Sheen, a hard drinking cigarette smoking CEO type in an immaculate suit. The Illusive Man is trying to collect intelligence and amass dossiers on the British company that purchased controlling stock in the Sterling Cooper advertising agency and hide his marital infidelities from his wife Elizabeth “Betty” Draper.

Yep. A joke about the Illusive Man being Mad Men’s Don Draper. Because of the suit and the tumbler of liquor. And the smoking.  Ahh forget it.

The Illusive Man is collecting intelligence and amassing dossiers on the space aliens who will help Shepard defeat The Collectors and their angry bee swarms. Intergalactic bees. Very dangerous. Paralyze humans with their stings so The Collectors can kidnap entire colonies of humans. Even worse, The Collectors are under the control of The Reapers- massive intelligent ships who start whole galactic civilizations just so they can come in and destroy them every few millenia for fun.

Mass Effect 2 lets you import your save files from the first Mass Effect game, which if you’re like me (an incredibly fussy nerd about this kind of thing) validates the thirty minutes you spent in the Mass Effect character creation system adjusting Shepard’s cheekbones and overbite and eyeliner and matching purse. I made my Shepard look like a derelict country singer, with slicked back Conway Twitty hair and dark rangy hollows under his eyes. Every time a female in the game made a pass at my version of Commander Shepard I tittered a little.

Speaking of females in the game,  I was courting the violent heavily tattooed Biotic experiment gone wrong Jack for a good portion of the game until I dropped her in favor of Miranda the Cerberus liaison who, to be fair, was genetically enhanced to be beautiful and had a quality I like to refer to as “that ass”.

Since Shepard can be male or female at your discretion, (well not back and forth during the game, can’t have a gender bending tranny space marine seducing every organic life form aboard the SSV Normandy SR-2 like some kind of god damn Rocky Horror Picture Show in a distant universe) the possibilities for getting freaky on a star faring vessel are wide open.

Grimy spaceships, sleazy alien strip clubs,  spiritually conflicted swamp creature assassins, Seth Green as a crippled ship pilot, a film-grained “used future” feel to every environment you interact with— in terms of gritty densely plotted science fiction narratives, Mass Effect 2 makes the Star Wars prequels look like Mac and Me.

A spoiler about the end of the game:

So this ‘Human Reaper’ the Collectors have been working on? Enormous metal skeleton cyborg. Looks just like The Terminator. That’s alright by me. Honestly Mass Effect 3 could be all about  Commander Shepard enrolling in the Shmogwarts School For Young Wizards so he could battle Evil Lord Schmoldemort and I WILL BUY IT.

I lost four of my team during the final battle, (who dies and at one point changes with every play-through) including the punk rock chick Jack, which is probably for the best because she was pretty pissed I broke up with her to knock reinforced space boots with Miranda in the Normandy’s engine room.

As George Clinton (no stranger himself to interstellar funk) was once heard to remark in his song ‘Atomic Dog’: “Why must I feel like that/Why must I chase the cat/Nothin’ but the dog in me.”