Sam, Jason and resident Imperial Trouble Whovian Beau Brown review the Doctor Who Season Finale. Other topics include the Air Bud canon, the terrible fate of Sam’s former website The Police Box and the sitcom Designing Women.
This review contains spoilers.
In Season 4 a skeleton in a space suit fights Doctor Who in the universe’s biggest library. Last time I had a run-in with a skeleton in a library it was inside a librarian’s body and she was shushing me. Good thing for Doctor Who skeletons don’t have ears. Though I do like the idea of ears of bone. Very lyrical, almost. ‘You can’t hear me on the phone/with those ivory ears of bone/I’m calling about an ice cream cone’. That song needs work, I think.
Later in the season Doctor Who shoots a laser into a giant robot’s mouth from a hot air balloon just to change a woman’s mind. Wish I could win an argument with a laser. I don’t want to eat sushi I want fried chicken tacos! Zip zap Zoop! (Huh- that sounds less like a laser and more like Bill Cosby wants a taco.)
Doctor Who’s new companion Donna is a secretary who got hijacked into the TARDIS on her wedding day. She likes to drink beer and flirt with men. She’s like one pint away from mashing her breasts together and yelling “OOH Have a look then!” She’s clearly the best of all the Doctor Who companions so far.
She and the Doctor go to the planet of the Ood. The Ood are docile slaves to humans and apparently sell like hotcakes, even though they look like bug eyed monstrosities with tentacles for mouths. I’m not saying you have to win a beauty contest to bring a millionaire his filet mignon, but nobody wants to tuck in to a fancy dinner with a wrinkly old sea monster lurking around the table like a weirdo.
Did I mention they go crazy and their eyes turn as red as Lucifer’s beard?
The Doctor frees all the Ood from slavery. He’s like the Harriet Tubman of gross cephalopods. An Ood even sings to him when Doctor Who is flailing around in the snow about to die. Oh great, just what I want to hear as I’m breathing my last. A gray skinned nightmare is singing a tune for me.
Daleks pull off the greatest robbery of all time by stealing a bunch of planets for their reality killing machine, even Earth! Who cares!! I hate every episode that the Daleks are in! I can’t tell you how disappointed I am to see their dumb metal eye cameras or whatever they see with.
Doctor Who gets a human clone of himself and leaves it with his old companion Rose from the first season so they can be in love together and he can fuck off on his adventures. Here you go, that ought to shut you up. Here’s a clone of me to grow old and die with.
Ladies, Doctor Who will do anything to get out of being your boyfriend. Pretty soon he’s going to stuff some straw in a burlap sack, wrap it in a pinstriped suit, stuff it in a blue cardboard box and that’s who you’ll introduce your parents to, a scarecrow Doctor Who in a cardboard TARDIS.
What do you know, the President of the Time Lords pops in for a surprise visit. He wears a robe and a big crazy hat and carries a staff. I guess even though Time Lords wear normal clothes they have to dress up like wizards to hold an office. I had a nerd freak out when I realized his electricity shooting glove was the companion to the glove that brings people back from the dead in Torchwood. And then I realized I was getting excited about fictional gloves. Guess that was his murderin’ glove.
The Time Lords have an evil plan to live outside of time so they decide to destroy time for everyone everywhere. On the plus side, everybody’s Netflix movies would arrive all at once instead of sitting in the queue with the words LONG WAIT next to them.
When the President of the Time Lords shows up on Earth the first thing out of his mouth is, “On your knees humanity!” Ok, but you better take humanity out to Applebee’s later, and humanity gets to order any appetizer it wants.
Doctor Who takes a big blast of radiation to the face (I’ll have the Mozzarella Sticks and the Boneless Buffalo Wings) so that means he’s gotta die and regenerate a whole new face and personality. He goes around for a solid half hour saying goodbye to everybody he knows, solemnly nodding and waving farewell to all his friends. David Tennant was lucky to get such an elaborate sendoff, Christopher Eccleston barely got a boot in the butt on the way out.
Then he regenerates into Matt Smith, a gangly young man with a pleasantly lopsided face and fancy hair. Sorry Matt Smith, didn’t mean to describe you like a forest ogre with a cave full of hair care products. Swatting at wizards with a tree trunk— RARRR Let go of my Herbal Essences!