Damn, what is going on in England? I feel like if I go to England I’m either going to get knifed by a gold toothed hooligan or wind up in Doctor Who’s blue police box. Where I will then be knifed by a gold toothed Doctor Who. I ain’t no Dalek, get that sonic screwdriver out of my ribcage!
Michael Caine is Harry Brown, according to the minimalist opening credits. You think we need big fonts and colors? Hell no. We got classic understated type here, y’all. Harry Brown is a pensioner (yeah, British talk!) who goes straight up vigilante on some British hooligans. They probably listen to The Streets or Lady Sovereign or Ratatat and call themselves “chavs”, according to some mp3s I downloaded in the year 2006. All I know is they sell heroin and look like Dudley from Harry Potter.
Harry Brown wants to walk through a pedestrian walkway but the street toughs hang out there all day and night terrorizing “the estate”. Man, even a description of British housing projects makes them sound like a place where the Queen just got done pouring tea out of a hollowed out bust of Winston Churchill. Speaking of elegant busts, I always thought Posh Spice was the cutest Spice Girl. I like how she ended up being posh for real. She didn’t just start singing in the Spice Girls out of her mansion, right? I think she was just a regular girl first. That’s like getting a millionaire costume and then everyone starts thinking you’re a millionaire and next thing you know you’re smoking a cigar and a stripper is doing your taxes. Thanks, Party City! Next I’m going to get a Ghostbuster costume.
Harry Brown’s elderly best friend goes down to confront the thugs with a bayonet and gets killed then they pee on him and film it all on their “mobiles”. Well, there’s your problem. Don’t take a knife to a gun fight. Don’t even show up to a gun fight. Stay at home and watch British shows like “Chesterfield Acres” or “Chimp Takes a Suitor” or “Gross Lower Class British People In Their Garish Clothing Smoking Cheap Cigarettes” or “Ricky Gervais”.
Harry Brown is all, oh I’m ex-military I thought you knew and starts killing the hoodlums. Here’s a fun game. Pretend this movie is Batman Minus Batman and Harry Brown is Alfred living in England under an assumed name. Ooh and his wife who dies at the beginning is like Catwoman or something. Which explains why her last words were meow meow meow meow. Just like Rap Cat. I once had a bet with my friend Rich that whoever lost a ping pong match had to listen to Rap Cat on repeat for a solid hour. After he lost, I got him album art for iTunes and everything. He ended up briefly being the top Rap Cat listener on Last.fm.
The fact that he is no longer the top listener means that someone out there listened to Rap Cat so much they’ve surpassed a man who played it on repeat for an entire hour. The dude who wrote Rap Cat hasn’t even heard it that many times. I bet he’s sick of Rap Cat. Waking up in the morning, the first thing he sees is Rap Cat. He sleeps with the Rap Cat puppet, I guess. Then he takes Rap Cat into the bathroom and brushes its teeth. “I hate you, Rap Cat,” he says to the Rap Cat puppet, his mouth full of toothpaste. And Rap Cat just stares back at him in the mirror, gold chain luminescent under the bathroom light.
After killing a gang of teenagers, Harry Brown gets to use the pedestrian walkway from now on. Batman is still at large. Posh Spice remains the most attractive Spice Girl. Rap Cat is survived by his widow Mrs. Rap Cat and two kittens.