Tag Archives: Michael Douglas

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

Shia LaBeouf is a Wall Street guy. But he’s a good Wall Street guy because he wants to help a scientist with his green solar magic wind fusion ray. The scientist guy is like, “Shia LaBeouf, if we don’t get 100 million dollars soon, we’ll have to shut down all these lasers and empty the beakers and turn off our steampunk goggles with their clockwork and flashing lights.” And Shia LaBeouf says,”I’ll get that money for you, because money never sleeps, even after three tall PBRs and a shot of well whiskey, which is what I had to drink last night and now I’m hungover trying to review this movie. I guess I’m not speaking in the voice of Shia LaBeouf anymore.”

Then Michael Douglas gets out of jail as Gordon Gekko and nobody is waiting for him. Doesn’t anybody want to come drive a greedy old businessman home from jail? No one? He seems surprised, like heartless Wall Street tycoons usually have a brass band playing for them when they are released from prison. Then it’s nine years later, which is a long time for money not to sleep.

Shia LaBeouf’s boss gives him a check for a million dollars. “Go spend it, Shia LaBeouf!” he says. “Go spend this million dollars on leather jackets and motorcycles, which you apparently cannot appear in a movie without. The last time anyone owned this many leather jackets and motorcycles, Henry Winkler maxed out his credit cards trying to outfit the seven thousand Fonzie clones that were created after he fell in the Large Hadron Collider.”

Shia LaBeouf goes and buys a ring for his pretty girlfriend, who says she hates money and would rather have a Cracker Jack ring. I bet she hates money because it never sleeps and keeps her up all night playing the drums and George Washington sings “Try A Little Tenderness” by Otis Redding from the front of a dollar bill. Anyway, she runs a website called Frozen Truth, with a logo of the word TRUTH in a block of ice. That’ll show the truth! That’s usually what people do with information they want to be shared, right? They freeze it. I write my best reviews on a piece of paper, soak them in water and put them by the Bagel Bites in my freezer.

Shia LaBeouf tracks down Michael Douglas and says, “I’m marrying your daughter!” Michael Douglas replies, “Money never sleeps, so I’ll ask it to wake me up so I don’t oversleep and miss the wedding.” Then Michael Douglas steals a million dollars from his daughter and Shia LaBeouf. I guess he needed it so he could set his money alarm.

There sure were a lot of David Byrne songs in this movie. I guess Oliver Stone is friends with him or something. Characters would be talking about money (the awake kind of money, not the lazy-ass sleeping money) and then stocks and graphs and stuff. Suddenly, a David Byrne song!

♫ “Strange days, I’ve got my left foot on the skyyyyy!! Put me over yesteerdaaay, I don’t know where the door is!” ♪

And so on. Whoops, looks like I’m done talking about this movie. The other night I was at a bar listening to karaoke and watching two drunk girls sing Stone Temple Pilots, when suddenly I didn’t want to see any more karaoke AT ALL. Anyway, I left the bar even though I was kind of thinking it would have been fun to sing “Never Tear Us Apart” by INXS because sometimes I like to sing along with it when I’m drunk and it comes up in iTunes. It would have been a real emotional moment for everyone in the bar, I’m sure. Girls would have been like, “Oh, I hope he’s singing about me…” And guys would have been thinking, “I wish I could sing as good as that dude!” And then everyone would have gone home with the memory of my awesome karaoke performance lingering in their hearts, and when they woke up in the morning, they’d barely remember it, like a beautiful dream that slips away in the sun.

So in conclusion, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps was not as good as the first Wall Street. Sorry.

Wonder Boys

Grady Tripp (Michael Douglas) is a professor who likes to sleep with married women and get high. He’s also a critically acclaimed novelist.

Katie Holmes plays a beautiful young student who wants to crawl all over his Grapes of Wrath because he once wrote a brilliant book. I wonder where the line is drawn for literary groupies. Could a mossy skeleton from a shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean get a girlfriend if he published a prize winning book?

“The Hip Bone’s Connected to the Heart Bone” is what he’d call it. By Skully Skeleton. Once you’re a skeleton you have to take a name that describes what you are, even if you’re a famous author.

Tripp’s editor Terry Crabtree (Robert Downey Jr.) shows up in town looking for another book from Grady because he’s about to get fired. He ends up getting a writer boner for Grady’s protégé James Leer (Tobey Maguire).

Downey Jr. & Maguire were later cast in superhero movies as Iron Man and Spiderman, respectively. There’s a joke there, right? Something about showing him his “Iron Man”, maybe? Spidey-sense? I have literally nothing.  Skully Skeleton would know a good double entendre. Something about his “bone”, I bet. I wish he was here right now, waving his seaweed wrapped sword around.

Grady Tripp should have wrapped his sword in seaweed before having sex with his university’s chancellor Sara Gaskell, because now she’s pregnant. Oh yeah and the book he’s been working on is two thousand pages long and he can’t stop compulsively writing! Reminds me of the time Skully Skeleton was cursed by a mermaid editor who hit him with a magic pen and he couldn’t stop writing, either. He had to swim into the molten belly of a fire whale to break the curse. He ended up marrying that mermaid.

This is one of the best movies I ever saw. I wish I was a college professor, driving around smoking weed hanging out with Robert Downey Jr.. One time on a dating website in the ABOUT ME section I wrote “I’m Grady Tripp” in a misguided attempt to woo the Wonder-Boys-is-my-favorite-movie-too demographic of the online dating community.

The last time Skully Skeleton went on an online date, the next day he’d aged seventy years (which was OK because he’s a skeleton) and fathered twenty babies with a Polynesian belly dancer.