Tag Archives: Minority Report

Travelers Dimension Police: Writing Reviews Of Japanese Movie Trailers In Four Languages At The Same Time Is Why The Tower Of Babel Was Built In The First Place

Travelers Dimension Police: Writing Reviews Of Japanese Movie Trailers In Four Languages At The Same Time Is Why The Tower Of Babel Was Built In The First Place

[Ed note: After Chris Hassiotis used Google to translate the title of this video (映画『トラベラーズ 次元警察』予告編 means Movie Travelers Dimensional Police), he went Google Translate crazy—converting his review from English to Japanese, Japanese to Spanish, Spanish to German, then from German back to English. I guess the King’s English isn’t good enough for ol’ Chris, so he had to go trotting around the globe like a slutty, drunken Carmen Sandiego. Which is just regular Carmen Sandiego.

What’s next, Chris? Reasonably bright sixth-graders using geographical clues delivered via Rockapella songs to determine your location in a game show format? This is why the U.S. is ranked 17th in global education! All our best middle-schoolers are busy guessing where the hell Chris Hassiotis is. Next thing you know, all the Japanishermanglish have taken our jobs and Carmen Sandiego has given Joe Biden chlamydia. Is that what you want, Chris?! Translated paragraphs highlighted in red.]

Whoa! Foxy outfit. That’s my first impression of the Travelers trailer. And then my second is that the future looks pretty shiny. And then! Nope, not shiny at all. Pretty disastrous. There’s no dialogue in this trailer, so I’m going to infer everything from the visuals. Perhaps this is about time travel? Or some sort of cross-dimensional travel? The title’s got to mean something, right? Also, I wonder how people keep their hair so clean and good-looking in the middle of action sequences like this.

Go Foxy suit. It’s my first impression from our followers. And the second is that the brightness would be nice in the future. And! No, no shine at all. Quite miserable. The dialogue in this trailer there is not, I think, from the visual. This is probably the time to travel? Or some kind of interdimensional travel? Title or did the right mean or what? Also, people are very nice and have their hair in the middle of the action scenes like this, I wonder if that looks good.

Snow White And The Huntsman

Snow White And The Huntsman

In which Jason and Soren Bowie of Cracked.com discuss the trailer for Snow White and the Huntsman.


Hi Soren. Welcome to this review of Snow White and the Huntsman. From the looks of it, the quickest route to being fairest of all is soaking in a bathtub full of milk. Of course, some of us have always known that prolonged milk-on-skin contact will result in excessive fairness, both the physical and moral kind. Which is why progressive courtrooms across the country have installed mandatory milk-soaking tubs to ensure fairness in all jury trials. Whether members of the jury wear shower caps and utilize comically overlong back scrubbers is at the discretion of the presiding judge, who is usually a breastfeeding baby in a powdered wig.

Minority Report

It’s the year 2054, iPhones are probably great, and a businessman is about to kill his wife for cheating on him. His wife is pretty bad at cheating, though. Her lover or baby daddy or whatever just lurks across the street in the park like a weirdo staring at the house. Hey Casanova, this isn’t the line at Zaxby’s and that house isn’t the fryer where chicken comes out. Maybe play it cool for a second.

Too bad for the lil’ future murderer— Tom Cruise is a pre-crime cop and has three psychics sleeping in a jacuzzi, so they already know what he’s planning to do. Tom Cruise is like HEY DON’T DO THAT and arrests the guy for even thinking about killing his bumbling wife and her doofus lover.

The psychics are called “precogs”. The precogs are named after mystery writers Agatha Christie, Arthur Conan Doyle, and Dashiell Hammett. I guess Jessica Fletcher from Murder, She Wrote didn’t make the cut. That lady solved like a million murders and she was old as hell. They should have made an artificial intelligence of Jessica Fletcher and let her solve all the crime. Murder, she computed. You’ve just been arrested by FLETCHERBOT.

When the precogs see a murder about to happen, a fancy wooden ball rolls down a set of glass tubes, the name of the victim is engraved on the wooden ball, then the ball is painted. The murderer’s name also gets a ball. I guess their first two ideas to squash the victim’s name into a penny and have a custom Hummel figurine created in the murderer’s likeness didn’t work out.

When a murderer’s ball comes down with Tom Cruise’s name on it, he’s like, “No way am I going to murder somebody in the future, I don’t care what an elegant painted wooden ball says!” I know, right? If I had a nickel for every time a handcrafted sphere made of the finest oak falsely accused me of homicide, I’d be able to buy my own FLETCHERBOT.

Tom Cruise goes on the run and has to break out of a car that drives itself on a weird sideways highway full of other robot cars that drive themselves. He kicks his way out of the Death Cab for Cruise-y and kidnaps Agatha. They go to the scene of the crime where he is supposed to kill some guy name Leo Crow. Not that he needs a backstory, but I wonder if Leo Crow is Sheryl Crow’s great-great grandson.

Crow wants Tom Cruise to kill him so his family gets money. So he tries to be Tom Cruise’s “Favorite Mistake”. Cruise doesn’t want to shoot him or bring him “Anything But Down”, but he thinks “A Change Would Do You Good”. He’s barely “Strong Enough” not to pull the trigger because he thinks Crow killed his son and in his mind, “All I Wanna Do” is murder him for revenge. Then I ran out of Sheryl Crow song titles.

Minority Report is based on a Philip K. Dick short story. As I understand it, someone once made a Philip K. Dick robotic head that got stolen. Also, according to the movie Waking Life, Philip K. Dick wrote another story that sort of weirdly came true and freaked him out. When I think of Philip K. Dick, I think of parallel dimensions, cigarette smoke and my high school theater teacher who wore impossibly short Daisy Dukes and looked like Philip K. Dick.

Just like with Blade Runner or Total Recall or The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, if you’re watching a movie based on a Philip K. Dick story you’re probably going to get an excellent science fiction experience. However, if you’re watching a theater director who looks like Philip K. Dick, you’re just going to see way too much pale middle-aged man leg.

Oh, also- there are really incredible touch-screen computers in the movie. But for some reason, instead of wireless data transfer or a Dropbox account, they move all pictures and data between computers on little glass panels that display whatever it is that’s on the disc. Hope you weren’t trying to move your porn collection.

Between the carved wood and the glass paned USB drives, it’s like someone saw a antique Italian chest of drawers and decided to make all the world’s computers like it. Or maybe steampunk finally took over. I thought I saw Tom Cruise wearing a little top hat with unnecessary gears glued to it.

Good night, everybody! Minority report!

How I Accidentally Strom Thurmond’ed My Baby in Fable III

So my Fable III guy is running around the Fable III world being the brother of the king doing stupid quests and tickling townsfolk and making pies. You know, like most royal family did in olden days. In fact, what heir to the throne wouldn’t love to make all manner of pies for small amounts of gold or whistle merry tunes over and over until a villager asks him to deliver a package for them like some kind of medieval whistling FedEx village idiot?

But anyway, at some point I saved my childhood sweetheart Elise when my brother made me choose between murdering her and murdering some random people I couldn’t give a shit about. Childhood sweetheart, I choose you! Mostly because I assumed you’d be having sex with my character later. And I was right! Unprotected sex, I might add. Which instantly resulted in a baby apparating right by the bed. Man, I’m sure glad babies can’t just teleport into your life right after you have sex. You gotta give me time to be a deadbeat dad, magic teleporting baby! It takes at least a couple hours to buy a bus ticket or hop on an empty freight car.

So I married Elise and put her and the baby in the nicest house I owned. She’s the love of my live! And then I go running around with my dog doing busywork for anyone who can yell their grocery list within earshot of my character. Oh, pick up my dry cleaning! Shuck this corn! Kill these mercenaries! Shell these peas! Hmmm. Lot of produce work.

Then I run into this beautiful dark skinned noblewoman and I’m thinking, well my wife and kid aren’t in this town so guess what. A few well timed dances, tickles, chats and heroic poses later, she’s asking me to (you guessed it) deliver a package for her. The next thing you know, I’m delivering a different sort of package during a tasteful interlude of sex noises. Aaaand a magic baby shows up when the lights come back on. So now I have a secret extra wife and baby.

I move them into the second nicest house I own. Now look, I didn’t give my secret black wife and baby the second rate house because of their race. But I’m not made of nice houses! And the second best house was very nice. I even furnished it with gift furniture and whatnot. Then I got made king and moved into the castle. Of course I moved Elise and our baby into the castle with me, they were here first! I’ve loved her all my life, apparently. Then I moved my second-but-equal-in-my-heart-I-assure-you family into the hand-me-down fancy house. And then I felt guilty about all this sneaking around so I went to visit family 2.0, but my second wife was wandering around on the road at night, got attacked by balverines and died.

Even though I was king, the orphanage came and took my second baby away the moment my second wife died. Like the Minority Report of orphanages. The whole Fable III world is very efficient with the adding or removing of babies from your life. If you could Paypal a baby to someone, that’s how easy it is to get a newborn infant in Fable III.

I go down to get my secret daughter back from the orphanage and adopt her (which, is kind of like having to buy back your stolen car) and while I’m there I adopt a whole shitload of orphans to live with my daughter so now she thinks I’m just a kindly old king who showed up like Oprah’s Favorite Things and YOU GET ADOPTED and YOU GET ADOPTED. Problem solved, secret baby remains a secret and my first family is none the wiser and no one will probably ever know until my character is really really old.

Did I hide the existence of my dark-skinned baby from the public eye and financially support her in a clandestine fashion à la segregationist senator Strom Thurmond? Yes. I did do that. I’m sorry to have set video game race relations back two decades in the fictional world of Albion. In my defense I was playing first-come-first-served when it came to who got to live in the castle and if I had made the families in reverse order then you can be damn sure there’d be like twenty biracial kids waving toy swords around and whooping it up in the castle playroom.

What did I learn from all this? The road to Hell is sometimes paved with good intentions, illegitimate babies that appear out of thin air and whistling and pies. I meant well in my reign as king of Albion and I think my angelic blue glowing wings I earned after beating the game reflect that. Anyway, sorry about all the second class citizening of my mistress-wife and orphaned misbegotten multiracial love child. I will totally keep it in my pants next time.