Tag Archives: Netflix

Carrie: Sissy Spacek’s Husband Is Sick Of Getting Hit On The Head With A Bucket Every Time They Make Out

Carrie: Sissy Spacek’s Husband Is Sick Of Getting Hit On The Head With A Bucket Every Time They Make Out

The trailer for the new Carrie movie finally made me curious enough to watch the 1976 original on Netflix.

Which completely spoiled the ending.

On the bright side, I no longer need to go out and see the remake, so Netflix basically just saved me $15—enough for like two more months of Netflix. (Your move, Hulu Plus.)

I’ve chosen to pay my $15 net savings forward by predicting the future of some of the stars of the new Carrie. I’m able to do this with the aid of data collected from the careers of the original stars, as well as an admittedly flawed sense of transitive logic.

The Wolverine: Wolverine Heals 10x Faster Than A Regular Man And I Can’t Even Order A ‘Boobies Make Me Smile’ Shirt

The Wolverine: Wolverine Heals 10x Faster Than A Regular Man And I Can’t Even Order A ‘Boobies Make Me Smile’ Shirt

What is it with old men and hard beds? My grandfather has a bed in his guest bedroom that feels like sleeping on Wolverine’s adamantium skeleton. I think actual skeletons in mausoleums on stone slabs get more comfortable rest than me when I stay at my grandfather’s house.

I guess skeletons get more comfortable rest than anybody, though. Nobody chills harder than skeletons. We should bury our dead in sunglasses, they’re so chill! Maybe position their hands behind their heads, and install little shelves for them to put their feet up on. Put a baseball cap on their skull and turned it backwards. Straight kickin’ it, homie!

Cemeteries would be way less spooky if you knew all the skeletons were taking it easy. Also taking it easy—that old Japanese man laying on a giant pin point impression toy. He looks like he’s sleeping on the clearance rack at Spencer’s Gifts. He could probably get a beer koozie for his skeleton while he’s at it.

Unlike Wolverine, whose adamantium skeleton won’t let him relax and just die already. I tried to look up Spencer’s Gifts at work to see if they were even still open these days, and their website was blocked by the office firewall. Now I know how Wolverine feels! I wish a rich old Japanese man would come take me away from all this.

Anyway, looks like Wolverine might finally get some “me” time to catch up on Netflix, put cucumbers over his eyes, and bleed out all over everybody without healing. In theaters July 26th.

oldman

The Raven

The Raven

In which Jason and Jack Walsh of GET DELICIOUS! and Four Days at Dragon*Con discuss the trailer for The Raven.

J: Jack, right off the bat, let me make it clear that John Cusack is not appearing in The Raven of his own free will. He is doing so because he is bound by raven magic. The President of the United Raven States (or, POTURS) loaned John Cusack his Netflix password, in exchange for a lifetime of servitude, both here on this mortal plane and in the afterlife. Not just to ravens, but also mynah birds, parakeets, essentially any avian creature, except for geese, who are assholes.

Kick-Ass

Kick-Ass got lost in the mail, so I reported it to Netflix. So they sent another disc. Then the old disc showed up. But I didn’t know that and tried to OnDemand it with Comcast. But OnDemand was broken. The whole world of buying and renting movies is a spinning wheel of broken splinters. And on that wheel rides the oxcart of our hopes and dreams. And pulling that oxcart is the ox of freedom. I could have kept the disc I reported lost in the mail but instead my heart was pure and true, so I sent it back to Netflix. They should give me a medal of valor because I really enjoyed Kick-Ass.

Not to mention I was hungover when I watched it. If you want to feel better the day after drinking too much, you have to eat a hearty meal. Real manly food. Like a bag of mashed potatoes served out of the front of a bulldozer. Or a steak wrapped in a tie and garnished with a cufflink and every time you take a bite a stripper punches you in the face. I had a regular old hamburger with my girlfriend and her amazing Chinese Crested, Spacedog. A titan of testosterone am I.

Speaking of a punch in the face, “A Punch in the Face” would have been a fine title for this movie. Haven’t seen it? It’s super violent and bloody. So if you clutch at your lacy underthings at the sight of awesome fights, then maybe you should reinforce your garters because a lot of this movie is stabbing and burning and shooting.

That pleasantly round faced kid from Hot Tub Time Machine is in this movie. I bet he got at least one kiss from a fan as a result. Not me, though. I’ll never kiss someone just because they were in a movie. Unless it’s a movie about kissing me. Working Title: Smooch Patrol.

I felt like Big Daddy’s mustache extensions were gross. But I think spirit gum is gross. Just a weird minty caramel goo on your face. Makes you feel like you had a threesome with a Werther’s Original and a York Peppermint Pattie. Also, Hit-Girl made weird faces when she was murdering criminals. Like a Japanese doll and one of those kid beauty pageant contestants and an actress in a soda commercial acting all refreshed all rolled into one off-putting expression.

Spoiler Alert

In some ways this movie was really Big Daddy’s story. It’s his crusade for revenge against D’Amico that Kick-Ass gets swept up in and ultimately finishes. I like stories where the main character tries to escape a mundane existence and stumbles into events bigger than himself- oh, you want to get off the boring farm and have a life of adventure? Here you go, kid: you’re a Jedi and the son of the most powerful and evil man in the galaxy. What’s that you say? You’re tired of taking care of a dumb old pig and want a life of adventure? Turns out that pig is the key to a cauldron that makes undead warriors. You’re welcome.

I beg your pardon? You’re sick of tending all these oxen? I’ll have you know that’s the ox of freedom! And that’s the callback, folks. Goodnight!