Tag Archives: Ozymandias

One Direction—This Is Us: Summoned From The Blackest Pits of Canada

One Direction—This Is Us: Summoned From The Blackest Pits of Canada

Few people outside of conspiracy-theory circles know this, but Justin Bieber was created by a certain pop singer in an attempt to bring about world peace. After all, who better to usher in an era of harmony than, well, Usher, known for his soulful, harmonious crooning? Just like Ozymandias at the end of Watchmen, Usher knew that to save the world, he had to give it a common enemy. And so, wielding the dark studio arts, he summoned from the blackest pits of Canada a sprightly young chipmunk of a lad.

“Here world,” Usher cackled. “Here is your naked Doctor Manhattan! Look upon my works, ye ladies, and despair!” Lil Jon laid an infectious groove over it, Ludacris contributed a guest rap, and “Naked Doctor Manhattan” went to the top of the charts. [Ed note: Meanwhile, the single “Girl, I’m Not Locked In Here With You, You’re Locked In Here With ME” by “Naked Rorschach” failed to sell a single copy.]

Watchmen

This movie, which people said was “unfilmable”, sure did get filmed. I guess what they meant was if it did get filmed, it wouldn’t be any good. But it was good! So for the first time in the history of known civilization, someone said something was going to be bad and it turned out to be good.

Watchmen is about two generations of superheroes. Some of them have real supernatural powers and some of them just dress up and punch people. Even the non-powers having heroes are extraordinarily agile and strong. Nobody can take these guys in a fight, except in the fight against…moral complications and ethical quandaries!

Rorschach is sort of the main hero of the movie. He smells bad and eats beans! “Chomp chomp beans,” he says, “the whores and the politicians will ask me to save them and I’ll say no!” He wears a mask that’s always changing around. I kept trying to find his eyes and mouth in the shifting patterns. What if every once in a while the pattern lined up to look like a happy anime cat? I’d like that. I really really like his coat, but I guess you could never borrow it because it would stink, apparently.

Dr.Manhattan is a nuclear physicist (maybe?) who left his watch in an “Intrinsic Field Generator” and then went back inside to get it when the “Intrinsic Field Generator” had 45 seconds left before it went all blue lightning on everything. I get it, Dr.Manhattan- you wanted superpowers- there’s no need to “leave your watch” in the “Intrinsic Field Generator” so you can get “trapped” and develop “astounding abilities to manipulate time, space and matter”. He’s got a big blue body and doesn’t want to cover it up for anything except if he has to go to a television interview.

Ozymandias is the smartest man in the world. Everybody says it in the movie. “You can’t stop Ozymandias—he’s the world’s smartest man!” He also has an Ivy League haircut. Maybe that’s what they meant by world’s smartest man- he actually has the world’s smartest haircut. Oh and (Don’t read this if you haven’t seen the movie) he’s the villain. He has this big idea to get every world leader to come together against a common enemy- by framing Dr.Manhattan for annihilating citizens in every major city of the world. Well what if they hadn’t come together in unity? What if they still hated each other and now they also hate Dr.Manhattan? If two guys hate a third dude that means they can’t still hate each other?

Nite Owl is like Batman, but with an owl suit, striking fear into the hearts of criminals with the “Hoot! Hoot!” of justice. He doesn’t actually hoot though. Of all the crime-fighters in this movie, he is the most like a professor. He’s got a tweedy Ingmar Bergman/Woody Allen feel to him. Looks like he should be sipping on coffee all the time. Well, when he’s out of his suit, that is. When he suits up, you criminals better get ready for some REASONABLE TALK. And reasonable punches.

Silk Spectre is the lady of the group. The only person wearing less clothes than her is Dr.Manhattan. When she and Nite Owl break into a prison at one point in the movie, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe she should cover up first. I know she can handle herself but lady this is a PRISON. I know they can’t take you in a fight but you know those prisoners are looking at you with their filthy prisoner thoughts.

And there’s The Comedian. He tried to rape the original Silk Spectre (the current Silk Spectre’s mother) his first month on the job. You know who would normally get fired from a group of superheros? A RAPIST. Why do they let him hang around? He and Dr.Manhattan went to win Vietnam together and (another spoiler here) he casually guns down a Vietnamese lady who was pregnant with his baby. Dr.Manhattan even stood around being blue letting it happen. Not cool. Watchmen- you need a human resources department. You don’t have to let just anybody in a costume into the club.

Watchmen is set in an alternate 1980s where Nixon got re-elected. Nixon in this movie has a gigantic nose, even bigger than the real Nixon. Maybe this is an alternate Nixon with a slightly bigger nose.

Speaking of alternate worlds, what if outer space is teeming with life and it’s really close but the reason scientists haven’t been able to detect it is because all the aliens just intercept their probes and send back false information? Dr.Manhattan builds a glass mansion on Mars when he gets sad about what he has to deal with on earth and it looks like a Christmas ball.

Merry Christmas!