Tag Archives: Prince

Here’s The Elevator Pitch: Cousin Larry In Assless Yellow Pants

Here’s The Elevator Pitch: Cousin Larry In Assless Yellow Pants

It’s really hard to watch Prince’s “Batdance” video online. Why? Because Prince hates the Internet. No, seriously, he hates it. Even more than he hates writing “You” instead of “U.” A few years ago he even proclaimed, “The Internet’s completely over.” And whenever Prince is not busy recording underwhelming albums, he scours said Internet to find unauthorized postings of his music, videos and images, then sics his legal team on the offending parties. He’s even gone after fan sites. Not Bronson Pinchot fan sites, mind you, but PRINCE fan sites! And it’s not just images of himself he wants removed, he also demands that photos taken by fans of their Prince-inspired tattoos be taken down.

After Earth: I’m Pretty Sure This Is What The Guy From The Spin Doctors Was Thinking Of When He Wrote “Two Princes”

After Earth: I’m Pretty Sure This Is What The Guy From The Spin Doctors Was Thinking Of When He Wrote “Two Princes”

Do Will Smith’s kids, as heirs to his throne, have titles? Is the one in After Earth the Fresh Prince of Wales or is he just a duke of some sort because he’s not first in the line of succession? I don’t know what shocking twist M. Night Shyamalan has planned for this film, but I hope it involves both the ladies that played Aunt Viv.

Star Trek Into Darkness: Benedict Cumberbatch Gets To Download His Hair And I Don’t Even Get To Live On The Same Planet As The Greatest T-Shirt In The Universe

Star Trek Into Darkness: Benedict Cumberbatch Gets To Download His Hair And I Don’t Even Get To Live On The Same Planet As The Greatest T-Shirt In The Universe

Benedict Cumberbatch sure has nice hair, doesn’t he? What kind of product do you think he uses? You know what’s weird is, at some point, his character had to take a break from being evil to go into a store and buy some hair gel, or paste, or fiber or whatever. Unless they have technology that styles your hair for you in the year 2233. Or better yet, wi-fi connected gels that shape themselves from pre-made templates you can download into your follicles, with ad-supported free versions available, of course.

Is that what the future holds for us? Having our hair advertise to us all day until we pay for premium haircuts?!

For Benedict Cumberbatch, that’s still probably better than sitting in a chair under a barber cape, listening to his stylist talk about her boyfriend’s podcast. Which leads me to wonder, why can’t J.J. Abrams focus on what’s really important?! Benedict Cumberbatch’s Star Trek villain’s hair stylist’s boyfriend’s podcast. It’s mainly about Starfleet merchandise from the early 2200’s, and Star Wars movies. I mean, it stands to reason there are Star Wars films in the Star Trek universe, right? What with them being set in Earth’s future and all. There’s just one crucial difference—Jar Jar Binks is amazing in this Earth’s timeline! He’s like Mal Reynolds, Seinfeld, and Prince all rolled into one toungue-lolling, slightly-racist, Galactic-Senate-delegating Jedi masterpiece.

Which reminds me, this alternate Earth is also home to the greatest T-Shirt every screenprinted in any universe, which is an illustration of a paper Seinfeld mask with the eyeholes cut out, next to electric neon letters that read, “Eatin’ Ass in a Seinfeld Mask.” It might interest you to know that Benedict Cumberbatch is wearing it under his stylish coat, as he plunges the Star Trek universe INTO DARKNESS. In theaters May 17th.

Freaky Friday (1976): They’ll Play Batdance At Our Funeral

Freaky Friday (1976): They’ll Play Batdance At Our Funeral

In which Jason and Jack Walsh review the 1976 trailer for Freaky Friday. Part of a series of trailer reviews for body-switching comedies of the 70′s, 80′s, and 90′s. 

JASON

Jack, according to the trailer, here’s what we know for sure about the events of Freaky Friday—Barbara Harris is a teenage mother, Jodie Foster is a middle-aged daughter, and John Astin is a “confused male chauvinist.”

Listen, Jack—John Astin’s not going to let a little thing like not having any idea what’s going on stop him from sexually harassing you. He really captures the befuddled horniness of the 1970’s. If he was being drawn by a caricaturist, he’d have a cartoon question mark above his head and a huge boner.

Also, is that a witch on water skis jumping over a guy buried in the sand? Now I’m the one who’s confused with a boner.

JACK

I knew I should have trademarked the phrase “Confused With A Boner” before I put it on my business cards. Now everybody’s throwing it around like just another “YOLO.” It’s just as well, I guess. Angry phone calls from the manager of Chili’s were all that tossing that card into the “Win a Free Lunch!” fishbowl ever seemed to get me. But, what can you do? CWAB, baby!

When I agreed to review the trailer for Freaky Friday, I’d assumed that it would be the full theatrical trailer and not a quickie TV spot. There’s hardly anything to go on here, especially since I’ve been asked not to mention Lindsay Lohan in this, the one Scene Missing trailer review where it would have actually made sense. Are you sure I can’t convince you to do the trailer for Gorky Park like I wanted to? What if I told you that it’s a changing-places movie, too, and that William Hurt and Lee Marvin do the old Moscow Switcheroo? I mean, I know that isn’t the case, but even if Hurt and Marvin were just to walk past each other in the film, it would have to be a more convincing persona-swap than the one suggested by the special effects in the Freaky Friday trailer.

You know what was a real missed opportunity back in the day? A Lee Marvin/Lee Van Cleef switch-up. I always got those guys confused because a) Lee, obviously and b) they were both in movies with Clint Eastwood that my dad made me watch. Now I’m kind of sad that the world never got that iteration of Freaky Friday. Then, instead of somebody really getting into Jodie Foster and shooting President Reagan, you would have absolutely nobody getting really into Lee Marvin and shooting anybody. Except in The Killers, where I’m pretty sure Lee Marvin shoots Ronald Reagan. But maybe, just maybe, it was Lee Van Cleef all along.