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How to Train Your Dragon

How to Train Your Dragon is about a bunch of vikings who kill dragons. And by vikings, I mean they have pointy hats and viking ships but talk in the contemporary vernacular of our modern age. Also, they don’t lay siege to France with hellfire and steel. Or was it France that the vikings came out of when it was called Gaul? I bet that was a fearsome time to be taking a trip to France. You show up in your time machine looking for baguettes and next thing you know you’re wearing fur boots and wielding a broadsword while a lady in a bikini wraps her slender arms around your legs and to hell with the baguettes, time-travel viking, please!

A weak little viking kid can’t fight or swing a sword but he injures a dragon and then he and the dragon make friends and he makes a custom saddle for it. Next thing you know, he’s flying around with his own pet dragon. But the rest of the vikings don’t like dragons, so it’s a secret dragon. That would be like if I got a pug and nobody in Atlanta liked pugs so it had to be a secret pug and I kept it in my purse and fed it treats. Also, I guess in this world I have a fabulous purse that I keep pugs in. And glamorous lipstick. I’m beautiful!

You know, come to think of it, maybe Gaul was just regular barbarians and vikings came from Greenland. This movie did nothing to improve my knowledge of world history. I like the idea of a sooty, fiery and barbaric Gaul. People waving swords and cooking boars over fires and living in tents and wearing skulls. Just like prom of my senior year.

How to Train Your Dragon is about hiding dragons, learning to accept dragons and teaming up with dragons to kill even bigger dragons. It’s the Do the Right Thing of dragon movies.  I bet if King Arthur saw this movie he’d feel really embarrassed about wearing his dragon scale armor to the theater. It was a gift from Merlin! Then some mean dragons would start a fight with him in the parking lot and ride off in their 1998 Honda Accord with a spoiler, neon undercar light kit and 24 inch rims. Later that night, King Arthur and Merlin would try to holler at some girls in the drive-thru at Krystal’s. What’s up girl, want to try to pull the sword from the stone?

Apparently Craig Ferguson and David Tennant contributed voice work to How to Train Your Dragon. David Tennant of course having played Doctor Who and Craig Ferguson being a huge Doctor Who fan, they should have put on an impromptu Doctor Who radio play, what with the microphones and recording equipment sitting around. That is something I guess I might listen to if it was a podcast or something. Speaking of podcasts, please go and subscribe to the podcast I host with my friend Sam every week, because I’m done with this review and our voices on the podcast are like a thousand beautiful angels setting off a thousand Sonic Screwdrivers at the same time. Which sounds nice, I guess? Also, How to Train Your Dragon was really good, and apparently is in 3D, if the movie posters are to be believed. I watched it in two dimensions off a DVD like a chump with no depth perception.