Tag Archives: Robert Downey Jr

Iron Man 3

Iron Man 3

In which Jason and Melysa Martinez review the trailer for Iron Man 3.

JASON

When I was a kid in the 80’s, all I wanted was to be half-boy, half-robot. I even asked my mom to schedule a doctor’s appointment so I could get half my body replaced with robot parts. I guess I assumed the doctor was going to be like, “Whatever you say, kid—you’re the boss!” and chop my arm off with a meat cleaver, probably with a crumpled cigarette dangling out of his mouth. “We got a whole shipment of kid-sized robot arms in the back. Want me to replace your brain with the parts from your Commodore 64 while I’m at it? 64 kilobytes of RAM! How about a floppy disk drive for a butt?”

The Avengers

The Avengers

In which Jason and Nick Tecosky of Write Club Atlanta discuss the trailer for The Avengers.

J: Is Robert Downey Jr. going to wear that Black Sabbath shirt through the whole movie? Because if having a heart problem and wearing T-shirts with metal bands from the 70’s on them is all it takes, the Avengers might want to recruit my stepdad. I noticed that Iron Man seems really pleased to have The Hulk on the Avengers team. I don’t think anybody has been this proud to have a guy in jean shorts by his side since George Michael started Wham!.

Iron Man 2

This review contains spoilers.

So Iron Man is back. The government wants him to give up his Iron Man suit, but he doesn’t want to do it. A senator says, “Give me that suit!” but Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) says NO WAY. Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) is a Russian who hates Iron Man but he’s also a tough bad-ass physicist with tattoos and gold teeth. He makes his own Iron Man Arc Reactor to power his energy whips. What’s with the whips? Iron Man is not a lion. He is not a horse you want to giddyup or an orphan you want to pick pockets for you. He is a man made of iron.

Vanko shows up at the Monaco Grand Prix. Tony Stark puts himself in the race at the last minute, replacing the driver of the car he owns. Vanko is disguised as a pit crew member so he can walk out on the track and whip cars with his electricity whips. Wait- he didn’t know Tony Stark was going to be driving in that race, was he just there to whip cars for fun? Did Iron Man just sort of fall in his lap? As far as he knew, Tony Stark would be sitting in the stands. Why even bother disguising yourself as a pit crew member? Just buy a ticket to the race, walk over to Tony Stark and then whip him in the face. Uh oh, I think another song is coming on….

Just buy a ticket to the race/Whip Iron Man in the face/Uh…something something keep your daughters chaste…

Iron Man turns into a drunk and throws an awesome party. He shoots a watermelon with an energy beam. I did that at a farmer’s market once. They kicked me out, but not before I could shoplift some nutmeg and organic vegetables. Then I vaporized a basket of cage-free eggs. Nope, me and my laser are not welcome at the farmer’s market. Meanwhile Lt. Colonel James Rhodes (Don Cheadle) steals an Iron Man suit while Stark is busy being a drunk.

Iron Man turns his company over to his assistant Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow). I guess all the speakers in the elevators will play Coldplay now. Natalie Rushman (Scarlett Johansson) is Iron Man’s secretary. But really, she’s Black Widow, a Russian secret agent working for S.H.I.E.L.D.. How to put this delicately, her backside is amazing. How does one compliment a woman’s behind without sounding like a dirty old man? I suppose it’s never appropriate in a public setting like a movie review. There needs to be a gentleman’s guide to backside compliments or something. “Madam, had I a hat I’d tip it directly at your posterior.” That seems like a quick way to go to jail, walking around taking off your hat for ladies’ bottoms.

Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell) is a rival weapons manufacturer who wants in on the tin man action so he hires Ivan Vanko to build him a bunch of iron man drones. Vanko breaks into Hammer’s computer network in seconds by tapping at some keys. Tap tap tap, give me your secrets computer. What did he type that was so incredible a computer gave him access to the company network moments after he got online? Login: IAMACLICHE Password: COMPUTERSNEVERWORKLIKETHIS.

Rhodes loads up the Iron Man suit he took with all kinds of guns and rockets and he and Iron Man fight Vanko next to a river. Vanko nearly bests them with the lashes of his whips, but they defeat whiplash with plastic neck braces and a case brought against the other driver involved in the fender bender in small claims court. The court decides in their favor! They are interviewed leaving the courtroom by The People’s Court host and court reporter Doug Llewelyn.

If you’re Iron Man and someone files a lawsuit against you and you’re convinced you’ve done nothing wrong, don’t be intimidated. The best policy is to go to court and stand up for your rights. Don’t take the law into your own hands: you take ’em to court!

Wonder Boys

Grady Tripp (Michael Douglas) is a professor who likes to sleep with married women and get high. He’s also a critically acclaimed novelist.

Katie Holmes plays a beautiful young student who wants to crawl all over his Grapes of Wrath because he once wrote a brilliant book. I wonder where the line is drawn for literary groupies. Could a mossy skeleton from a shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean get a girlfriend if he published a prize winning book?

“The Hip Bone’s Connected to the Heart Bone” is what he’d call it. By Skully Skeleton. Once you’re a skeleton you have to take a name that describes what you are, even if you’re a famous author.

Tripp’s editor Terry Crabtree (Robert Downey Jr.) shows up in town looking for another book from Grady because he’s about to get fired. He ends up getting a writer boner for Grady’s protégé James Leer (Tobey Maguire).

Downey Jr. & Maguire were later cast in superhero movies as Iron Man and Spiderman, respectively. There’s a joke there, right? Something about showing him his “Iron Man”, maybe? Spidey-sense? I have literally nothing.  Skully Skeleton would know a good double entendre. Something about his “bone”, I bet. I wish he was here right now, waving his seaweed wrapped sword around.

Grady Tripp should have wrapped his sword in seaweed before having sex with his university’s chancellor Sara Gaskell, because now she’s pregnant. Oh yeah and the book he’s been working on is two thousand pages long and he can’t stop compulsively writing! Reminds me of the time Skully Skeleton was cursed by a mermaid editor who hit him with a magic pen and he couldn’t stop writing, either. He had to swim into the molten belly of a fire whale to break the curse. He ended up marrying that mermaid.

This is one of the best movies I ever saw. I wish I was a college professor, driving around smoking weed hanging out with Robert Downey Jr.. One time on a dating website in the ABOUT ME section I wrote “I’m Grady Tripp” in a misguided attempt to woo the Wonder-Boys-is-my-favorite-movie-too demographic of the online dating community.

The last time Skully Skeleton went on an online date, the next day he’d aged seventy years (which was OK because he’s a skeleton) and fathered twenty babies with a Polynesian belly dancer.

Sherlock Holmes

Robert Downey Jr plays S. Holmes as a foppish dirty brawling genius and Jude Law is his best friend Watson with a neat little mustache. You better believe some rakish hats get worn while they run around London punching every criminal’s filthy Dickensian face.

Here’s a word of advice to you if you want to commit a crime in Holmes’ London: Don’t bother. He knows you stuffed that unwashed silverware in your filthy waistcoat and he’s willing to wrap a rusty old timey ship’s chain around your knees and knock you down on some cobblestones.

Grime!