Tag Archives: RoboCop

Back Off, Man—I’m An Ornithologist: My Brief Career As A Teenage Duckbuster

Back Off, Man—I’m An Ornithologist: My Brief Career As A Teenage Duckbuster

He knew he was probably too late when he saw the sparks. Not just sparks, really: massive bolts of machine-made lightning, lashing bullwhips of crackling energy. At least he no longer had to worry about moving with stealth; the doctor was too consumed with the work at hand to notice him, in thrall to a task of equal parts science, black magic, and madness. A hunchbacked servant, his crooked fangs gleaming in the brilliant light, cowered in fear and fascination as the thing, the monster, convulsed under the Promethean energies the doctor had unleashed upon him. An inhuman cry filled the cavernous stone room.

“QUACK!”

Don’t Ask What The F Stands For: A Passionate Entreaty To The Omnicorp Board Of Directors On The Subject Of The New Robocop

Don’t Ask What The F Stands For: A Passionate Entreaty To The Omnicorp Board Of Directors On The Subject Of The New Robocop

[The following text is taken from the official transcript of the OmniCorp Board of Directors’ annual meeting in New York, N.Y., on Nov. 25, 2013, into which a wild-eyed Kevin Forest Moreau barged, uninvited.]

Esteemed members of the OmniCorp Board of Directors:

I present to you Alex Murphy. Husband. Father. Robocop. A franchise barely alive, following a couple of so-so sequels, a TV series no one saw, and even a cartoon. We can rebuild him, to once again serve as a cutting-edge commentary on aggressive police tactics, corrupt corporations, sensationalistic media and—to add some modern-day topicality—drone warfare.

A Cold Sailor’s Ghost At The Bottom Of The Ocean: Looking Back On “Dexter Season 5”

A Cold Sailor’s Ghost At The Bottom Of The Ocean: Looking Back On “Dexter Season 5”

I just ate a pint of ice cream and watched True Grit. This must be how retired newspaper comic strip character Cathy feels. Ack! I guess Cathy would never watch True Grit. She’d probably watch True Fit, a romance about two clothing designers who hate each other at first then fall in love. Man, this ice cream is sitting in my stomach like a cold sailor’s ghost at the bottom of the ocean.

I still have to write this review of the fifth season of Dexter, though. Also, if you haven’t seen season four and you don’t know what happens at the end, you should stop reading this and go eat half a pint of ice cream, because that seems to be the magic stopping point for ice cream. If you eat the whole pint I can’t speak to the sorrow you’ll feel. Anyway, season four ended with Dexter’s wife getting killed by John Lithgow and his baby crying in a pool of blood. I bet vampires say “like a baby in a pool of blood” all the time. Oh, how was your vampire softball game? We beat the Florida Fangs 14-3. They were catching like a baby in a pool of blood.

Dexter is a suspect in his wife’s killing for a little while, but then he gets cleared. Then Detective Quinn suspects him of being up to no good, so he hires a shady cop to follow Dexter. The shady cop is played by RoboCop’s Peter Weller! Between my VHS copy of RoboCop and my love of the DC comics character Cyborg, it’s no surprise I asked my mom to drive me to the doctor’s office to have half of my limbs and organs replaced with robot parts when I was nine.

I’m not sure how I expected that to go down. “Sure, I’ll turn your kid into a cyborg for you, lady. No appointment needed. I turn kids into half-machines all the time! I got all kinds of gears and wheels I can put in your child’s body. Don’t worry about the fact that his body is still growing and developing, that’s what the hydraulics are for. Want your oil changed while you wait?”

In the meantime, Quinn starts having sex with Dexter’s sister Deb and then falls in love with her. Deb acts mad and surprised at everything and she curses a lot, like if Sarge from Beetle Bailey was a sexy Miami policewoman. Dexter befriends a city roadkill worker so he can kill him. And he does kill him! But then he finds a filthy Julia Stiles locked in a closet. Dexter nurses her back to health and they become a vigilante team because there’s a whole team of rapist murderers that need to get got.

Meanwhile, Lieutenant LaGuerta and Deb are at each other’s throats. Deb is shocked…SHOCKED when LaGuerta throws her to the wolves when a case goes wrong. LaGuerta wears leopard print all the time. Once a lady in leopard print came up to me in a bar and told me I looked like a dancer because I had a tight little body. If she could only see me now, post ice cream. Dexter’s children go to live with their grandparents. Dexter has sex with Julia Stiles.

The final boss is Jordan Chase, a motivational speaker. Dexter throws a grenade and pauses the game, taking advantage of a glitch. Jordan Chase takes constant damage while the game is paused. When Dexter unpauses, Jordan Chase is dead. Wait. That’s how you cheat in the NES game Blaster Master. Dexter kills Jordan Chase the old fashioned way, by letting Julia Stiles do it. She saves the last dance for Dexter and then because her guest star run on the series is over, she says I don’t want to kill for fun anymore, see you later Dexter, say hi to Edward James Olmos for me in season six! Frak!