Tag Archives: Sam Rockwell

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

In which Tony Jenkins and Bryan Cole review the trailer for G.I. Joe: Retaliation.

TONY

I used to love playing with GI Joe action figures when I was a kid. By playing with them, I mean burning them in my family’s backyard grill, prompting my neighbors to continually ask, “Can you smell what the weird, fat kid down the street is cooking?”

It

The monster in It takes on the form of whatever scares you the most, like the wolfman or the creeping eye or the mummy. Come to think of it, maybe it just takes on the form of whatever scares Shaggy and Scooby-Doo the most. G-g-g-g-ghosts!  I got a Scooby-Doo t-shirt off Threadless and it really gets a lot of attention. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten something that draws the eye to my big fat torso. It’s like hanging a work of art on the side of an out of shape mule.

Tim Curry played It in a 1990 television mini series. They’re always trying to make Tim Curry evil. Dressing him up like a devil or a killer clown or a sweet transvestite. Oh, who should we get to play the goat faced murdering tranny? Tim Curry’s like, “I’ll do it! I brought my own prosthetic goat hooves!” If you ask me Sam Rockwell and his amazing dancing legs would be perfect as Pennywise for a reboot of It.

Steven Weber narrated the audiobook for It. By the end, I felt like Steven Weber and I had gone on a real journey together. I now regret that I am no longer hearing his voice in my headphones all day long. Maybe they should start a service where your favorite audiobook readers call you a couple times a day after the book is over and read your email to you. “This is William Hurt. Fr33 V1agr4 be the horniest chap in the neighborhood satisfy her needs!!!”

If you took out the shapeshifting creature from another dimension that can take on the form of whatever you fear the most in this world, It would still be a great book about a group of friends growing up in a small Maine town. Stephen King has a lot to say about the power of fear versus the power of faith and the value of love, and he’s never said it better than in this long ass book.

Spoiler Alert

I hope they make a new movie version of It and include some of the darker elements. Oh yeah and not to mention when they made the mini series they left out all the stuff about the enormous turtle that vomited the universe into existing.

Maybe when they do the reboot the turtle will have a pair of katanas and a blue face mask. And the whole time this killer clown was really an invention of Shredder that escaped from the Technodrome and the all the characters from It have to team up with Splinter and Leonardo to fight it and I’ll be god damned if I’m not accidentally writing Stephen King/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan fiction. Well, while I’m at it I might as well make it erotic fan fiction.

Turtle Power!

Moon

Sam Rockwell plays Sam Bell, a contract worker for Lunar Industries living on the moon. He regulates and maintains the Sarang lunar base, which collects and harvests the energy source helium-3 from moon rocks. His only companion is GERTY— an artificial intelligence housed in what looks like a dentist’s x-ray machine with a claw hand.

The rest of this review is full of spoilers.

Moon is about how he sorts and tags the helium-3, maintains the excavation equipment and keeps the base clean and operational on a day to day basis. At the end of the film, he climbs aboard the return vessel to Earth, after filing his final helium-3 excavation report. Job well done!

Just kidding. Moon is about how Sam Bell loses his shit inside the white, sterile Sarang lunar base while GERTY tries to provide gentle assistance via Kevin Spacey’s voice; like if Kevin Spacey managed the Apple store where you tried to get an out-of-warranty iPhone repaired.

As it so happens Sam is the fifth clone in a long line of clones that Lunar Industries murders at the end of a three year “contract”. The clones think they have a beautiful wife and daughter to go home to at the end of their loyal service to the company, but all they get is a face full of poison gas in a fake-out “hibernation pod”.

Sam 5 crashes his moon rover car into a big moon rock thresher and as a result GERTY wakes up Sam 6. Sams 5 & 6 argue for a while about who’s a clone but then they both find out there’s a freezer full of Sam clones under the base.

Imagine what you could do with a small army of Sam Rockwells!

I’m actually having trouble thinking of a useful application for an army of Sam Rockwells. Maybe a band called The Rock-wells? Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to rock well with The Rock-wells! I guess the audience would be all Sam Rockwells up there on the moon, though. Rockwells and Rockwells, get ready to rock well with The Rock-wells!

Only a matter of time before you’d open up the air compression chamber and find some kind of weird Sam Rockwell orgy happening. Hey you Sam Rockwells keep it in your pants!

Lunar Industries sends a “rescue team” full of mercenaries who are clearly full of murderous clone killing intentions. You know what tipped me off that these guys are not a rescue team? When their profiles showed up on the screen they looked like filthy biker criminals, not helpful astronauts.

I liked the logo for Lunar Industries so much I tried to find it on the internet so I could have a Lunar Industries T-shirt but all I could find was two would-be graphic designers arguing on a forum about who did a better job recreating it in crappy jpegs.

The soundtrack for Moon sounds like a cat walking around on a piano, in a good way.