Tag Archives: Sandra Bullock

Gravity: Never Mind The Bullock, Here’s The Space Panic

Gravity: Never Mind The Bullock, Here’s The Space Panic

Space travel has never really seemed like it was in the realm of possibility for me, but then again, I never thought the future would bring me a tiny espresso machine that could fit in my car’s cup holder. Actually, I don’t have that, but thanks to Facebook’s targeted advertising, I now know that I am, apparently, the kind of person who should want it. There are no pitches for space tourism yet, but that’s just a matter of time. Allow me to preemptively click “no thanks.”

When I was little, my first exposure to the terrors of outer space (or, at least, the ones that I didn’t learn about in Star Wars movies—watch out for monsters in trash compactors, by the way) came from a National Geographic coffee table book.

The Blind Side

Sandra Bullock seems all normal at the beginning of the move. Then she turns around to show her profile and she’s wearing a pair of dark glasses, waving a cane and holding a seeing eye dog. That’s her blind side. People are always sneaking up on her from that direction. Dude stole her purse and everything.

Man, I was sitting down to write the review for The Blind Side and I made coffee in the office and then I came back and it was all gone. I think the other people in the office must have little tiny people living in their shirt pockets that drink coffee, too. Waving little thimbles around. More coffee! More coffee! I hate you little coffee gnomes.

I didn’t think I was going to like The Blind Side but turns out I liked it a lot. Michael Oher is walking around in the rain with one ragged polo shirt and nowhere to sleep and Sandra Bullock says get in my car. Then in an amazing turn of events, not only is he a gentle soul who is pure of heart, but she and her family are all really good people and aside from a couple of minor misgivings they all get along famously, eating delicious dinners in their lavish home. Also, he’s phenomenally talented at football. So they adopt him and he gets courted by old football coaches. Play on our team, enormous young man! I will give you riches, baubles, rubies, golden idols. Well, I guess they aren’t trying to recruit Aladdin to their flying carpet league. But they really tried to win him over. And then football happens.

Kathy Bates apologizes for being a Democrat and Sandra Bullock’s husband says, “Who’d have thought we’d have a black son before we knew a Democrat?” My stars, the South will rise again with saucy Republican dialogue like that! Robert E. Lee just jumped out of his grave and did the cabbage patch. Which was appropriate, given that he was buried in a cabbage patch. Then he watched The Blind Side and said damn even I’m not that white to say some shit like that.

Oh yeah and the high school football coach looks like he should play the Matt-Smith-Doctor-Who’s Gallifreyan father. Sorry, conservative Republican football fans. But that’s what’s up. There’s some nerdy Democrat talk for you to ruminate on. Try not to have a heart attack. Ain’t my fault he’s so skinny and tall and lookin’ like Doctor Who. He needs to check his DNA if he didn’t want to get cast in my imaginary movie about time lords. Hmmm, that sounds like a song.

You need to check your DNA/ Check your DNA/ Girl I had to say/ You Look like Doctor Who/ I know you aren’t a girl/ It sounds better this way

And so on. Blind Side!