Tag Archives: Scrooge McDuck

The Kind Of Thing That Shows Up In R. Crumb’s Heaven: A Recap Of “What Dreams May Come”

Robin Williams is driving a little wooden boat around on a lake in Switzerland. He’s wearing a really thick sweater. Seems like that sweater would just drag him down to his watery grave if he fell into the lake. Then he crashes his boat into a pretty lady’s boat. Instead of capsizing and dying a soggy woolen sweater-related death, he goes on a picnic with the lady. “Soon.” the sweater thinks to itself.

Robin Williams marries the boat woman and they have two children with androgynous haircuts. His wife runs an art gallery so she has a haircut like He-Man. “By the pageboy of Grayskull! I hang the paintings!” Then their children get killed in a car wreck. Then Robin Williams gets killed in a car wreck. He is survived by his wife’s bangs and his sweater.

Then Robin Williams goes to Heaven! Everything is made of paint because he loves paintings so much. I love macaroni and cheese but I don’t want to live in a house made of it when I go to Heaven. Also, his dog is there. Even though Robin Williams gets to fly and run really fast and manifest physical objects with his thoughts, his dog has no special powers and has to keep being a regular dog. Maybe the dog is in dog purgatory. He probably rejected dog Jesus but lived a good life anyway.

Cuba Gooding, Jr. shows Robin Williams the ropes in Heaven. Robin Williams asks him if there’s a God. Cuba Gooding, Jr. says yes, God’s up there “shouting down that he loves us and wondering why we can’t hear him.” An affectionate hobo with laryngitis on some scaffolding might have that problem, but God can probably make himself heard whenever he wants.

Turns out whatever Robin Williams’s wife paints on Earth appears in his Heaven because they are soul mates. So he sees a tree that she painted come to life and bloom flowers. Good thing for him she doesn’t paint Tijuana bibles starring Scrooge McDuck or Harry Potter/Draco erotic art. Guess that’s the kind of thing that shows up in R. Crumb’s Heaven.

Also, Robin Williams won’t take his trenchcoat off in Heaven. With all the lakes and clouds and dripping paint it looks pretty humid up there. He’s got to be burning up in that thing. Then he meets a beautiful Asian woman. She takes him to a steampunk beach where everyone wears lace and flies around. Apparently they’re flying away to help people be reborn as babies on Earth. Hey, I’m here to help you become a baby! How? I don’t know, but look at my crazy parasol! And I got some goggles and a top hat! Now go get in a vagina!

There’s also steampunk dudes riding penny-farthings wearing white gloves. Where are you guys going? To the art-collective bicycle co-op to drink PBR! Then a mermaid flies up out of the water into the sky. I don’t want to tell you how to do your mermaid business, but the whole reason you have fins instead of legs or wings is so you don’t have to take to the skies. Grass is always greener I guess.

Then the hot Asian woman tells Robin Williams that when she was alive she overheard her father say Asian women were “lovely and graceful” so that’s why she looks Asian in Heaven. Then she reveals she’s actually his daughter. Here’s a tip— if you’re going to be giving your dad the “welcome to Heaven” tour, don’t choose an appearance that gave him a boner when he was alive.

Back to Robin Williams’s wife on Earth. She’s eating frosting and contemplating suicide. That Hieronymus Bosch painting over her bed probably isn’t helping. Let’s see, I’ve got 400 thread count sheets, a white noise machine and an enormous depiction of the souls of the damned being devoured by bird headed demons. Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream!

Cuba Gooding, Jr. tells Robin Williams his wife committed suicide and he can never see her again because suicides go to Hell and nobody has ever brought a suicide back from Hell before. Robin Williams is still wearing his trenchcoat. They go to Heaven’s library to get a “tracker” to find his wife. They find Max von Sydow floating in the air reading a book and wearing a fur coat and flamboyant hat. Guess he’s reading up on how to dress for The Players Ball.

They take a boat to Hell through a crazy storm and a bunch of dirty naked people come up out of the sea and surround them with arms outstretched. Must be what it’s like to be in front of the Michael Franti and Spearhead stage at Bonnaroo. Then Cuba Gooding, Jr. reveals he’s actually Robin Williams’s son. Robin Williams must have mentioned that Snow Dogs gave him an erection at one point when he was alive.

Max von Sydow and Robin Williams find his wife in a filthy Hell version of their house and Max von Sydow says Robin Williams has three minutes to talk to her and after that he’ll go insane, like the five second rule for food, if every time you ate a dropped piece of toast you had to look into a soul-destroying void of madness and depravity. Which is actually how the Little Miss Sunbeam bread logo was created.

Anyway, Robin Williams refuses to leave his wife’s side even though he knows he’ll lose his mind in Hell. You know what else he refuses to leave in Hell? His coat. Anyway, his sacrifice saves his wife’s soul and they both go to Heaven. What about all the other suicides in Hell? Oh, sorry— you need a spouse or loved one to risk their sanity on your behalf in order to leave Hell. What’s that you say? Your life of loneliness and inability to find someone to love you drove you to suicide in the first place? Get back in the fire, loser!

Ultimately, What Dreams May Come was a beautiful movie with gorgeous visuals and flawed logic, unless you’re the founder and CEO of Burlington Coat Factory, and then it’s a triumph of the human spirit. The end!

Scrooged

If there was a kid in the year 1988 more excited than me about Scrooged, I’d like to meet the little son of a bitch. To shake his hand and wish him a merry Christmas, of course. I was so excited about my hero Bill Murray being in a movie about ghosts again, I bought the cassingle of Al Green and Annie Lennox’s version of the song “Put a Little Love in Your Heart”. Blast that on your oversized stereo in the common area at break and you’re the coolest kid in school. Rude Dog ain’t got nothing on me. Mostly because Rude Dog is dead in the ground, rest in peace pastel colored cartoon dog, your insolence will be missed.

So, Bill Murray and ghosts. A can’t miss equation, as far as I was (and am) concerned. In fact, if you put Bill Murray with any creature from the song Monster Mash- wolfman, Frankenstein, ghost, drag queen, you’ll have a movie classic for AMC to run when it isn’t slam dunking Breaking Bad or Mad Men. Not to mention there were going to be lessons about Christmas. I was so into Christmas that when a couple of hillbillies set up a bunch of lights and animatronic Santas one town over and dubbed it the Tour of Lights, I treated it with all the dignity of a visit to the United Nations. I was fully expecting at the end to be knighted with a sword wrapped in colored lights. I dub thee…Sir Navidad.

As far as I’m concerned, Charles Dickens should be stamping his feet up in British orphan heaven that he wasn’t born in the 60’s so he could have written A Christmas Carol for Bill Murray instead of a bunch of actors in 1843 in their pantaloons and waxy candles or whatever. Even Scrooge McDuck would take second place to Bill Murray’s Scrooge in the one hundredth annual Scrooge-Off. Contests include asking little urchins what day it is, counting gold coins instead of love and God blessing us every one.

Also, Indiana Jones’s girlfriend from Raiders of the Lost Ark is all freckly and loveable in this thing. Plus the Solid Gold Dancers and Robert Goulet. I actually cried a little bit at the end. Not because of the Solid Gold Dancers. I never cry at aerobic elaborate dancing. I mean, never say never, but I held it together watching Jennifer Lopez as a Fly Girl on In Living Color, so the bar is set pretty high.

Yes. Christmas. This movie is super Christmasy and funny and sentimental and has a wide beautiful heart like a hippo. Hippos have wide hearts to match the rest of their bodies, right? If you don’t like Scrooged, you have a heart of stone, like a statue of a hippo. Happy Holidays, everybody!

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Just what the world needs—a sexy Ebenezer Scrooge.

Matthew McConaughey’s character bones his way through an alternate dimension where there are no STDs, women think of McConaughey with slicked back hair as some kind of sex god, the brakemen have to tip their hats and the railroad bulls are blind there’s a lake of stew and of whiskey too you can paddle all around ’em in a big canoe in the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

Let me ask you this, GHOSTS. Why do you give a damn into whom or what this man has or will put his penis?  Not sure what you lady ghosts are getting out of this whole deal. Do lady ghosts get a bag of ghost money every time Matthew McConaughey falls in love?

Damn girl where did you get that ecto-dress? I haunted Matthew McConaughey and GOT PAID.

Seems like if you want to haunt a man about his sexual past you’d do it with a ghostly floating dick, not a beautiful lady. Ooooooh, I am the ghost of your dick, Matthew McConaughey. <chains rattle>

You know who’s the best Scrooge of all? Scrooge McDuck. Because even though he lives in a world of duck robots and golden helicopters, he keeps his head on straight. He might solve a mystery or rewrite history but no matter what he’s got his priorities in order and I admire him for that.

Can you imagine Ghosts of Girlfriends Past starring Scrooge McDuck? Oh Hilda Quackengoose! Debra Featherbill! Jennifer Garner! Sorry I slept with you and dumped you. What’s that?! You’ve got twenty ducklings to support and they’re all mine?

Just put it on my bill!