This review contains spoilers.
The Doctor is in America! He has a cowboy hat. But River Song shoots his hat off his head. This woman is so reckless with guns. I saw her shoot a dude that was just walking behind her without even looking over her shoulder. Everybody on the show just seems to accept it, like “Well she seems to know what she’s doing.” It’s like if a little kid had a flamethrower and a handwritten note that said “FLAMTHOWER XPURT” and he was lighting houses on fire but all the adults just shrugged and said, “Who are we to stop him? He has certification.”
Anyway, the Doctor gets shot in the face with a laser by a little girl in an astronaut suit and dies before he can regenerate. Man, they just let the kids run wild at Space Camp these days. But it’s a version of the Doctor from two hundred years in the future, so whatever. I’m sure his skeleton will have Time Lord bones or something and another British guy will emerge from his ribcage.
Then the current Doctor goes to the White House and meets President Nixon. He fights some aliens called the Silence because you forget them after you see them. Also, a bunch of stuff happens with River Song and Amy Pond being pregnant and the little girl in the space suit again. There was way too much going on in one episode. It was like being on the haunted house ride at the fair where things keep getting thrown out at you while you ride in a cart. Hideous aliens! Amy’s mysterious pregnancy! President Nixon played by a man who looks nothing like him! Now the little girl is a time lord?! Also, Rory! Come to think of it, things getting thrown out at you while you ride in a cart is considered a traditional wedding in my hometown of Milledgeville, Georgia.
The Doctor ends up on a pirate ship because a beautiful siren surrounded by glowing green light is luring sailors away after marking their hands with a black spot, much like the girl stamping hands for reentry at any rave near a naval base. I went to a rave on New Year’s Eve once and danced all night by myself while my friend drunkenly sat in a nearby chair. Of course, dancing all night by yourself while your friend sits drunkenly in a nearby chair is also considered a traditional wedding in my hometown of Milledgeville, Georgia.
Turns out the siren is a spaceship’s medical bay artificial intelligence and it thinks the sailors are sick or something so the Doctor says hey pirates want some advanced technology and gives them the ship even though up to this point they were the robbing and murdering kind of pirates. Then the Doctor answers a distress call on a trash planet and the TARDIS gets put inside a woman, marking the first time that phrase has been used to describe the actual transmutation of the TARDIS software into a living human’s brain and not a Doctor Who fan’s nickname for her vibrator.
Then the Doctor goes to a factory where people are having clones made of themselves and using them as avatars for dangerous factory work. But the avatars come to life! I wish my Xbox Live avatar would come to life, maybe it would justify the five dollars I spent on Mass Effect 2 dragon armor for him. Also, the two dollars I spent on the lightsaber he waves half-heartedly when I turn on my Xbox. “Oh hello! Yes, I’m…really enjoying…this lightsaber you bought for me. And the armor. There’s no one for me to fight here, but it’s nice to just…wave it. Back and forth. Whoosh. When the inevitable war against Xbox Live avatars comes, I’ll be the first line of defense.”
The mid-season finale was particularly crazy. First of all, Amy Pond has been a fake avatar Amy this whole time. Second of all, the real Amy is pregnant with a baby version of River Song. Third, the baby River Song is a Time Lord because she was conceived inside the TARDIS. Fourth, a woman with an eyepatch has stolen the baby River Song to use her as a weapon against the Doctor. It could have been worse, though— usually when an old woman missing an eye steals a baby, it’s to put in a stew.
You know, it seems like just because you conceive a baby inside a vehicle doesn’t mean the baby would take on the traits or abilities of said vehicle. But far be it from me to go against Doctor Who’s airtight baby genetics logic. See you in September, Doctor Who!