Tag Archives: Skeletor

Masters of the Universe: Is That, In Point Of Fact, Frank Langella In There?

Masters of the Universe: Is That, In Point Of Fact, Frank Langella In There?

In which Jason reviews the trailer for “Masters of the Universe” with Ian Belknap, former Fact Checker for The Encylopedia Show , and Founder and Overlord of WRITE CLUB.

JASON

I feel like Skeletor is throwing away a big opportunity to ghost-ride the whip here. If you aren’t familiar with the parlance, ghost riding the whip is when you put your car in neutral, turn the volume up on your stereo, and exit your vehicle to dance beside it as it rolls forward.  Much like Mitt Romney’s inauguration speech if he’d won the 2012 election, it’s a “Jesus, take the wheel!” kind of scenario, except with more Ray Parker Jr. samples.

“Hey ghosts, could you steer my PT Cruiser? I just need to hop out and twerk for a second. What? Your hands are incorporeal?! I thought you were a poltergeist! Look, just try to scare the car in the right direction. And would it kill you to put on a bed sheet with eye holes in it? People are going to think I’m dancing in the street next to a moving vehicle with no driver and I’ll look like a crazy person.”

Food for thought: Ray Parker Jr. is more afraid of ghosts than he’s ever been in his entire life.

Anyway, does Skeletor think he’s too good to hop out and ghost ride his own hovercraft? Maybe he’s the ghost, and every vehicle he occupies is constantly considered to be in a state of being ghost-ridden, and it’s his minions who should be dancing.

IAN

These are all excellent points you’re making. If “excellent” is understood to mean “scattershot observations that fail entirely to miss the most salient aspects of a thing.”

I for one would ask: “How are we to know that this is actually Frank Langella in there?” How are we to know? The credits that roll at the end of the picture? The somnolent voiceover in this trailer? His IMDB page? The voice (allegedly) issuing forth from behind that skull mask that looks to be made from some kind of luminous extraterrestrial snot? At least THIS Amazon summarizer has the COURAGE to ask of Langella’s memoir “Dropped Names” “How did Brooke Astor lose her virginity?”

Look, I’ll be the first man to stand tall and agree that there can be no more pure expression of “a being of utter evil” than the ability to shoot unconvincing fuschia lightning out of one’s fingertips in a command chamber festooned with gold lamé, as he does here. That’s not the issue. That much is clear. The credentials of the character are unimpeachable. But the people have a right to know: IS that Satellite- and Fangoria Chainsaw Award-nominated actor Frank Langella inside that snot-skull? I mean – at the risk of coming as the “Langella Birther Movement” within the mediascape of the nation of this trailer – I think we can all agree that it doesn’t take a whole lot of convincing to get Dolph goddamn Lundgren to put on that Linda Evans wig and spray tan, wriggle into that light bondage gear (Sidebar: BILLION dollar franchise idea: “Fifty Shades of Dolph” – you’re welcome), and pretend to be Adam, Prince of Eternia. And where the fuck is Battle Cat, by the way?

But Frank fucking Langella has come to STAND for something, goddammit. I mean, we’re talking about the guy who captured our hearts as Lieutenant Hudson in the 2005 Ja Rule picture Back in the Day. OK, maybe not our hearts. But some fleeting portion of our attention, for sure. That portion devoted to late-night BET-sightings of Frank Langella, at any rate.

As to this business of ghost-riding, which I believe was the initial subject of your inquiry: this seems a fantastic way to blow the minds of passersby. Provided you were somehow able to assure that the only passersby were plucked from the ranks of those whose minds are also blown by guys like this.

Hooking Up With Whoever Wins The Fight: “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2” Reviewed

This review contains spoilers and cursing, but not necessarily in that order.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 starts off with Harry Potter, Ron and Hermione at Dobby’s grave on the beach. And they gave him a little tombstone! It says, “Here Lies Dobby, A Free Elf.” Seems like there’d be a lot of Muggles at the beach. If Harry Potter and his friends are trying to keep the wizarding world a secret they probably shouldn’t bury an elf that close to Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville Cafe no matter how free he is.

Then Harry Potter breaks into Bellatrix Lestrange’s vault to get a golden cup that Voldemort put a piece of his soul in. Voldemort sure does like putting his soul in ornate lockets and elegant drinkware. Maybe instead of trying to rule Hogwarts he should be a manager at Barneys New York. Also, Helena Bonham Carter is the worst as Bellatrix Lestrange! She overacts being evil so hard she makes Skeletor look like Sir Laurence Olivier playing Richard III.

Harry, Hermione and Ron break into Hogwarts to tell Snape to get the fuck out. Snape flies away in a puff of black smoke. Seems odd that all the evil wizards have to trail a cloud of smog behind them just because they serve Voldemort. Thanks a lot, “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named”. I love spitting out black fumes every time I fly to wizard Target to get some Claritin and toilet paper. Do you think just once I could get from Point A to Point B without looking like a chimney sweep’s ghost is fucking the smoke monster from LOST in the middle of the sky?

Speaking of ghosts, Harry has to convince the ghost of Helena Ravenclaw to tell him where Voldemort hid a tiara that he also put his soul in. Man, Voldemort loves gaudy jewelry. He’s the Joan Rivers of dark wizards! Helena Ravenclaw does a lot of heavy breathing for a ghost. Calm down, lady— you don’t even have lungs! The last time a ghost hyperventilated this hard Boo Berry cereal was discontinued.

Then Voldemort kills Snape so he can use the Elder Wand, which is the strongest wand in the history of wizard kind and still sort of belongs to Snape because of the whole murdering Dumbledore thing. Apparently if you kill or defeat a wizard, his wand becomes loyal to you. First of all, that’s the opposite of loyal. Loyal would be helping the wizard not get defeated in the first place, not hooking up with whoever wins the fight like some hoochie mama watching rednecks brawl in a Sonic parking lot at one in the morning.

Anyway, before he dies Snape asks Harry to collect his tears in a bottle because the tears contain Snape’s memories of thirty-odd years of getting cock blocked by Harry’s father. Harry’s father seems like a real jackass. All he did was bully Snape and hang out with Lupin and Sirius Black, who were much cooler and far more interesting. And when Voldemort showed up to assassinate Harry Potter, Harry’s father was really easy to kill. Voldemort probably murdered him with an Avada Kedavra Curse while he was reading Wand Polish magazine on the toilet, which is either the most boring wizard magazine or the most pornographic. Meanwhile, Harry Potter’s mother was busy deflecting killing curses from “You-Know-Who” and unwittingly filling every vault and safety deposit box in Snape’s spank bank with reasons to go on living in his business of being the loneliest, bravest character in the entire series.

Snape doesn’t even get to be in the circle of Harry Potter’s dead friends and family who wish him well before he goes to face down Voldemort. Well, he only dedicated his entire life to keeping Harry Potter alive and ensuring the entire planet wasn’t enslaved by evil wizards despite his painful unrequited love for Harry’s mother that haunted him every waking moment of his life. Even in the afterlife the Potters are too cool to invite Snape to hang out with them. He should find a more appreciative family to protect/lust after/stalk.

Finally, Ron and Hermione kiss, Neville Longbottom turns into a badass and Harry Potter kills Voldemort with the Elder Wand. Then Harry breaks the Elder Wand in half and throws it in a river. That’ll teach you to be loyal, wand. Thanks for saving my life, good riddance!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 is my favorite of the Harry Potter films, due to the gorgeous visuals, excellent pacing and superb acting of Alan Rickman, whose nuanced performance as Severus Snape made Sir Laurence Olivier in Richard III look like Skeletor in Sir He-Man the II. The end!