Tag Archives: Spider-Man

The Love Song of J. Jonah Jameson

The Love Song of J. Jonah Jameson

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

That’s from a poem. It’s called “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” by T.S. Eliot. A very smart man told me once that poetry was a fail-safe way to get a woman to fall in love with me. Now, granted, he did go crazy and try to take down the city with a set of mechanical octopus arms, but I do think he was on to something with this. I wish this were just a love letter. But I have a lot I want to tell you, and I’m afraid some of it may be hard to hear.

First things first. I, Peter Parker, am Spider-Man.

Let Me Go On: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Shrek’s Wife At Dragon*Con

Let Me Go On: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Shrek’s Wife At Dragon*Con

I’m at Dragon*Con, the world’s largest fantasy and science fiction convention. I point to a man and woman in green face-paint and say, “Hey, that couple is cosplaying as Shrek, and Shrek’s wife.”

My friends correct me: “You mean Fiona.”

Later, I meet a guy who shows me a shitty tattoo on his forearm that he’d gotten of his girlfriend. He says, “I know it’s ugly, the tattoo artist messed it up. It might as well be Shrek.”

So I say, “Why don’t you just go full Shrek? Get all of Shrek’s friends in there, too. Shrek & Company. The donkey, Shrek’s wife…”

He corrects me: “You mean Fiona.” Sure, I guess. Fiona. The lady ogre that Shrek took as his bride. Am I not giving the love of Shrek’s life the respect she deserves? Do you want me to use her maiden name as well? Did they hyphenate?

Love Colleen and Becky: A Story Of Zippo Lighters And Robotic Male Prostitutes

Love Colleen and Becky: A Story Of Zippo Lighters And Robotic Male Prostitutes

This essay was originally written for and performed at the “True Story!” Reading Series in Atlanta. 

This is a Zippo lighter I received as a gift in 1997. It says “Love Colleen and Becky” on it. I’ve always been bothered by the lack of a comma. The intended message is, “Love, Colleen and Becky.” Like, “Hey, we love you. We got you this gift. You can light your cigarettes with it. Or commit arson. Hope you burn all the buildings you hate to the ground. Love, Colleen and Becky.'”

The Amazing Spider-Man

The Amazing Spider-Man

In which Jason and comedian Jake Head discuss the trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man.

J: Welcome to this review of The Amazing Spider-Man trailer, Jake. Just right off the bat, does he seem that amazing? I think he’s coasting on the ability to shoot webs out of his hands. Or his wrist or butt. I don’t know where the webs come from. Glands, maybe? Possibly his heart or tear ducts. That would be something, wouldn’t it? If all that spider webbing was just the tears of a man. A spider-man. He doesn’t seem that sad. Don’t be fooled, criminals! If you were considering giving up crime because you thought your thievery or murder or whatever had brought a spider-man to tears, don’t be hasty. I mean, be hasty with your crime, because breaking the law is not something you can take your time with. Get in and get out, I say. But don’t turn your back on lawlessness. Emotionally, Spider-man is fine. He clearly thinks he’s amazing.

Imperial Trouble Episode 33: The Horrible Sound Quality Episode

Imperial Trouble Episode 33: The Horrible Sound Quality Episode

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Sam and Jason are betrayed by their most trusted ally— their microphone! Sam’s voice remains sexy and full of warmth while Jason sounds like he’s recording under the sea in the arms of a mermaid who hates listenable podcasts. The boys review the Simon Pegg and Nick Frost film Paul, recap an episode of the 1967 Spider-Man cartoon and discuss what, if anything, celebrities owe their fans. Sam’s house is struck by lightning and he finally gets the 1.21 GigaWatts necessary to return to 1985.