Tag Archives: Star Trek

The Order – 1886: In Another World, You’re Reading This In The Shadow Of My Castle

The Order – 1886: In Another World, You’re Reading This In The Shadow Of My Castle

I’m a sucker for alternate realities. Hell, I can’t grow the faintest hint of beard stubble without feeling like Spock from the “Mirror, Mirror” episode of Star Trek (or Evil Abed from “The Darkest Timeline” on Community).

I especially love alternate-reality mash-ups. That kid who spent hours having his G.I. Joe action figures storm the Death Star? That was me. When the kids on my block were torn between playing Cowboys & Indians or Star Wars, I was the one who said, “Let’s do both!”

Star Trek Into Darkness: Benedict Cumberbatch Gets To Download His Hair And I Don’t Even Get To Live On The Same Planet As The Greatest T-Shirt In The Universe

Star Trek Into Darkness: Benedict Cumberbatch Gets To Download His Hair And I Don’t Even Get To Live On The Same Planet As The Greatest T-Shirt In The Universe

Benedict Cumberbatch sure has nice hair, doesn’t he? What kind of product do you think he uses? You know what’s weird is, at some point, his character had to take a break from being evil to go into a store and buy some hair gel, or paste, or fiber or whatever. Unless they have technology that styles your hair for you in the year 2233. Or better yet, wi-fi connected gels that shape themselves from pre-made templates you can download into your follicles, with ad-supported free versions available, of course.

Is that what the future holds for us? Having our hair advertise to us all day until we pay for premium haircuts?!

For Benedict Cumberbatch, that’s still probably better than sitting in a chair under a barber cape, listening to his stylist talk about her boyfriend’s podcast. Which leads me to wonder, why can’t J.J. Abrams focus on what’s really important?! Benedict Cumberbatch’s Star Trek villain’s hair stylist’s boyfriend’s podcast. It’s mainly about Starfleet merchandise from the early 2200’s, and Star Wars movies. I mean, it stands to reason there are Star Wars films in the Star Trek universe, right? What with them being set in Earth’s future and all. There’s just one crucial difference—Jar Jar Binks is amazing in this Earth’s timeline! He’s like Mal Reynolds, Seinfeld, and Prince all rolled into one toungue-lolling, slightly-racist, Galactic-Senate-delegating Jedi masterpiece.

Which reminds me, this alternate Earth is also home to the greatest T-Shirt every screenprinted in any universe, which is an illustration of a paper Seinfeld mask with the eyeholes cut out, next to electric neon letters that read, “Eatin’ Ass in a Seinfeld Mask.” It might interest you to know that Benedict Cumberbatch is wearing it under his stylish coat, as he plunges the Star Trek universe INTO DARKNESS. In theaters May 17th.

Plunging Fully Into The Meese Hole Of Adulthood: Jack Walsh’s Summer Of Krull

Plunging Fully Into The Meese Hole Of Adulthood: Jack Walsh’s Summer Of Krull

When I look back on childhood, I realize that some of the best memories I have are from summer camp. There were the pillow fights, the scavenger hunts, the dance at the girls’ camp across the lake, and the zany hijinks we pulled during arts ‘n crafts. The look on the counselor’s face that time! And then, of course, there was my bunk-mate Rudy, who spent the first half of the summer dragging me along on zany escape attempts, but by Family Visiting Day, we realized we were having the best summer of our lives!

Of course, it’s possible that I am remembering my repeated readings of the children’s novel I Want To Go Home by Gordon Korman, a Canadian author whose books were all I wanted to read as a kid. That seemed like a fun camp.

As for my other camp memories, I recall a bench outside the mess hall that I always stuck my face up against because it kind of smelled like pancake syrup. There was a swimming hole I never wanted to go in, although it occurred to me some time later that it was probably named the “Meese Hole” after the owners of the adjacent piece of land and not because of some infestation of grammatically incorrect plural mice. I remember an eleven year-old who was said to give out handjobs to younger boys who inchwormed their sleeping bags over next to hers, although I don’t think I knew what a handjob was at the time. That might be about all I’ve got, despite having returned to the same YMCA camp year after year. But, this stands to reason, as I only got one-third of the true camp experience, anyway. See, I was a day-camper.

Trapped In The Belly Of A Whale: An Impassioned Plea From A Hologram Tupac In An Alternate Dimension

Trapped In The Belly Of A Whale: An Impassioned Plea From A Hologram Tupac In An Alternate Dimension

People of Coachella. It’s me. Hologram Tupac. I know the last thing that people want to see at a festival is an artificial intelligence beg for his life, unless you’re at a Blade Runner convention, or a RealDoll engineers’ company picnic that has gone south.

Imperial Trouble Episode 62: Misfits Series Three

Imperial Trouble Episode 62: Misfits Series Three

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Jason and Bunny discuss the third season of Misfits. Other topics include the sci-fi implications of the Steve Urkelverse, the new DC Comics logo, a Star Trek dream about Brent Spiner, Steve Guttenberg’s role in the movie Cocoon, and Jason’s reaction to the trailer for Mass Effect 3.

It Was Probably Her Tusks That Gave Me That Impression: A Review Of “Star Trek: Generations”
captains

It Was Probably Her Tusks That Gave Me That Impression: A Review Of “Star Trek: Generations”

The Starship Enterprise has a new crew and it’s going on its maiden voyage! Captain Kirk and Scotty and Chekov are there visiting, but the new captain makes them sit in little plastic chairs over by the wall like they’re waiting on their girlfriends to get done shopping at Anthropologie. Later, the new captain emerges with a cute scarf and a pewter spoon with an owl on it.

I Wish You’d Make It So, Number One: 12/09 In Review

I Wish You’d Make It So, Number One: 12/09 In Review

Michael Bay is in negotiations to direct a fourth Transformers film. I think Michael Bay should make a movie about Gobots. You could get Gobots for a quarter at Kmart when I was a kid. So cheap. Put them in your mouth, who cares. Put Michael Bay in your mouth while you’re at it. I bet a Gobot would put Michael Bay in his mouth for a part in a Transformers movie.

The Mythbusters accidentally shot a cannonball through a family’s home while shooting an episode. Witnesses reported the cannon fired prematurely after seeing Kari Byron in a swimsuit. I tweeted that joke and was pretty proud of it.

Nichelle Nichols revealed the character of Spock on Star Trek was originally written as a woman. For some reason, when I think of a lady Spock, I think of her having long, amazing, beautiful hair. I had a strange, half-asleep thought about Spock being female when I woke up this morning: “This is the kind of thing that happens when William Shatner wishes on a monkey’s paw.” Did characters ever make wishes on Star Trek? “I wish you’d make it so, number one.” “I wish you’d beam me up, Scotty.” I bet William Shatner makes wishes all the time on the lock of Leonard Nimoy’s hair he keeps in his wallet.

James Earl Jones revealed that George Lucas initially wanted Orson Welles to play the role of Darth Vader. Last night a cute bartender girl told me that she had a hooded sweatshirt exactly like mine, because she stole it from a guy she dated. We both agreed that it was incredibly comfortable. Then she said it was a good thing she wasn’t wearing it last night because then we’d both be wearing the same thing, and I said the world wouldn’t fall off its axis if two people wore the same sweatshirt. I guess the world wouldn’t have fallen off its axis either if Orson Welles had played Darth Vader.

PICTURED: Darth Vader. He probably sounds like Orson Welles.

Finally, this French Bulldog puppy hates an ice cube. In his defense, he ordered his whiskey neat.

Imperial Trouble Episode 27: Ben Boardman, Zach Gaskins and Jason Carlile of Star Command

Imperial Trouble Episode 27: Ben Boardman, Zach Gaskins and Jason Carlile of Star Command

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Star Command! Sam and Jason welcome Ben Boardman, Zach Gaskins and Jason Carlile to discuss the voyages of the Starship USS Robert E. Lee, Star Trek, the autistic kid from St. Elsewhere, Dungeons and Dragons, romance in Mass Effect 2 and teenage vampire slayers.

Star Trek

I watched Star Trek last weekend on Netflix Instant Streaming. They didn’t have it in HD! For shame, Netflix! Look, I understand that some things are going to be in standard definition. If I’m streaming season one of Mama’s Family, I don’t need every blue hair on Thelma Harper’s head to be in crisp high definition. But Star Trek? That’s like having a machine that makes Dairy Queen Blizzards and serving up McFlurries instead. Turn on that Blizzard machine, Dairy Queen! That having been said, I’ve seen Mama’s Family in 1080p and it’s visually stunning. Just amazing, the detail on her apron and pearl necklace.

Tyler Perry is in this movie but he isn’t dressed like Madea. I wish he was, though. I wish any time someone in Starfleet won a medal or got promoted, Madea had to perform the ceremony. They could say she was resurrected from DNA or she’s a holodeck simulation like when Picard got to match wits with Moriarty and wear a Sherlock Holmes hat. I googled that and it turns out Data was the one wearing the hat. I don’t care that I remembered a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode incorrectly. Oh, I’m Madea! I’m a wise old lady in a dress! Here’s your Star Trek gold medal! Shazam! I clearly have never been to see a Madea film. I’m sorry. Who am I apologizing to? The holographic Madea in the Star Trek future, of course.

Still an amazing movie, though. Leonard Nimoy shows up to play old Spock and meet young Kirk and young Spock. All those Vulcans wearing bowl haircuts. Is that all they have in Vulcan barbershops? Bowls? I guess they always have a place to put their cereal. Well, at least they did until their whole planet got blown up. No, our booooowls!

Winona Ryder is Spock’s mom. She should start a band called Spock’s Mom. You know she’d have to cover “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.” Leonard Nimoy rolling his eyes in the crowd, thinking, ‘Why did I ever record that shit I hate you Youtube.’

Chris Pine is the Captain Kirk-iest Captain Kirk that ever there was. I bet William Shatner thought he swapped bodies with Chris Pine. Calling him up in the middle of the night, give me my body back! But he had the wrong number and called George Takei instead. Sulu, give me that body back! Well, that’s going to lead to romantic confusion.  Man, I got pictures of all three of those dudes: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy and George Takei. Take that, people without extensive collections of photographs of Star Trek luminaries.

I bet Zachary Quinto is glad he got the role of Spock because Heroes turned out to be really terrible. Now he can tell everybody he was in one of the best science fiction movies ever made. That’s right. THE BEST. Simon Pegg is even in this thing and when Simon Pegg shows up nerd goosebumps are sure to follow. Speaking of goosebumps, I fed some geese in the park today on my lunchbreak. And there was a bossy duck in the pond who was going QUACK QUACK QUACK! What do you want from me, duck?! I named him Spike because his feathers were all ruffled and they looked like spikes. That’s it for the duck story.

Oh- and the green lady Captain Kirk was making out with looked like She-Hulk. Too bad J.J. Abrams wasn’t like let’s just put She-Hulk in this thing we already got Madea. Apple used a still photo from Star Trek to advertise its iPad and iPod products for a while. Kiss my ass, Apple, this movie is cooler than you. I wrote Steve Jobs an email one time and he never even replied. Booooooooo, Steve Jobs.