Tag Archives: Stephen King

Under The Dome: Like Sleeping With A Thousand Stephen Kings Under A Blanket The Size Of Atlanta

Under The Dome: Like Sleeping With A Thousand Stephen Kings Under A Blanket The Size Of Atlanta

Close your eyes. I’m going to take you on an imaginary journey through a bizarre and troubling scenario, and I think you’ll want to conjure the vividest image possible. So, close your eyes, please, and we’ll set the scene.

Are they closed? Really? I know you’re reading this. Unless you’ve got translucent eyelids, which would be freaky as fuck, your eyes are clearly not closed.

The Line Is Long At Trader Joe’s: “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” Reviewed

The other night I had a dream that Barack Obama and I were hanging out in my hometown library. It was really casual, because Obama had rolled up his shirtsleeves. When a President rolls up his shirtsleeves you know he’s getting ready for casual fun, like throwing a basketball or buying an ice cream cone or just kneeling down in the dirt and planting a tree for the nation’s farmers.

We talked about our favorite books and he recommended a Stephen King book that doesn’t actually exist called The Palisades. Thanks a lot, dream Barack Obama. Guess I’ll just pop on over to whatever alternate dimension that book was written in. Obama told me how important libraries were to his childhood, then we played video games sitting Indian style and watched a movie where John F. Kennedy held up a flaming sword.

Afterward, Obama insisted talking socks should not get American citizenship just because they can magically speak English and I have to say I agree with the man. You can’t be a tube of cloth covering our feet one day and then expect to vote in our elections the next just because you can recite the alphabet with your googly eyes waving all around. Though I have to say anyone who is passionate about participating in our democracy should be given a fair shake. I guess there are a lot of shades of grey in the talking-sock-citizenship-debate.

In The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Nicolas Cage plays a sorcerer named Balthazar Blake. Despite his magical nature, his socks are the ordinary non-talking type, though every other inanimate object around him gets a turn to come to life and clean the floor or fly him around or choke a rival sorcerer. If you’re a barrel or a broomstick or a metal eagle statue, your ass is going to be doing chores for Nic Cage’s wizard. “Doing chores for Nic Cage’s wizard” sounds like a euphemism for giving Nicolas Cage a lapdance. When I was a kid the first existential crisis I ever had was whether or not our dining room chairs had thoughts. So I tried to imagine what it would be like to be a chair but all I could think about was being a dead piece of wood all cold and silent forever. I must have been a real ray of sunshine as a child.

So Balthazar finds Jay Baruchel with a dragon ring and says, “You’re the next Top Merlin!” and then some bad sorcerers get out of a magic doll and try to kill both of them. Pew pew zzzap magic! Lightning bolt! Believe in yourself! How many wizard movies or books have there been where a wizard is training his apprentice and he says to clear your mind or focus or think of nothing or remain calm and relax? I’d like to see somebody learn to do magic by throwing a hissy fit or getting into a tizzy. “That’s it. Get worked up. Think of someone defriending you on Facebook. Your waiter refuses to split the check even though you’ve been to this place before and you know they can do it. The line is long at Trader Joe’s.” Then a fussy little fire comes out of the wizard’s fingertips.

Turns out Jay Baruchel is a Prime Merlinian. Sure, that sounds like a thing that could mean the boss of all wizards. They should call CEOs “Prime Businessians”. Does that make prime rib steaks the boss of all other steaks? Or just the boss of all ribs? Could a prime rib steak tell my ribs what to do? I hope they don’t tell them to jump out of my body. One of the other characters tells Jay Baruchel the reason he’s the Prime Merlinian is because he’s also a scientist. Are you happy now, scientists?! He’s one of you. Now can you admit humans rode dinosaurs?

Then he defeats Morgana le Fay on his third day on the job as a wizard, even though she was able to kill Merlin despite his centuries of sorcery experience. Guess Merlin didn’t science hard enough. Shoulda put down the Harry Potter books and picked up a flask of bubbling green liquid. Jay Baruchel wraps it all up by flying his girlfriend to France, even though she’s just a regular girl who plays indie rock at a college radio station and he’s the most powerful wizard the world has ever known. You do know that cute girls at indie rock stations are not exactly the rarest creature, right? I think the FCC requires every college radio station to have at least three cute girls who like indie rock in the studio at all times.

Thinking a god-like sorcerer and an unremarkable kinda-hipster girl will stay together is like thinking you’ll stay with your high school girlfriend when you go to college times a million. She better hope he isn’t interested in lady wizard’s vaginas, because that’s her only hope of keeping him. I’m interested in lady wizard’s vaginas and I don’t even like Magic: The Gathering, much less have the ability to perform actual magic.

I’m sure you’ll do fine in the relationship, regular human girl with no supernatural powers. I’m sure he won’t turn the Starbucks logo into a real life sexy mermaid with his thoughts and then turn the mermaid half into a lady half. And then send her back to the coffee cup from whence she came when he gets tired of her. Whoops, accidentally wrote some Sorcerer’s Apprentice fan fiction. Goodnight, everybody!

Stephen King’s It (movie)

I had an upsetting dream about getting my feet stuck in a bag of pistachios last night and then today in the grocery store I got stuck in line behind an elderly woman who smelled like old wet towels. She took twenty minutes to write out a check! On the drive home, my air conditioning failed in the summer heat and I held my face up to the vents blowing out hot air hoping for a miracle. I guess I think my face can heal air conditioners. The Cold Air Kid, they’d call me. Maybe I’d get a blue superhero outfit with puffs of frosty air around the muscles. Sorry, I meant “muscles”.

So here’s my review of the movie adaptation of Stephen King’s “It”. As opposed to the movie about Stephen King’s “thing”, starring Tim Curry as Stephen King’s penis.

The ponytail that actor Richard Thomas was wearing was so crazy that it startled me when he turned his head and revealed it. Do you know what it takes to surprise me with a ponytail? Other than this movie, it takes an actual pony hiding in the bushes ready to swat me with its tail. And to that pony I say: have as many sugar cubes as you like, for you have gotten the best of me in our game of barnyard hide and seek. Whereas to Richard Thomas I say: you look like a Whole Foods cashier with a hard drive full of upskirt pictures. To his credit, he was much better in Wonder Boys.

Harry Anderson not only is in this movie as Richie Tozier, but he has a Berkeley Breathed mustache. Or a Bill Watterson mustache. The kind of mustache that funny men of the 1980’s and 1990’s seemed to take to. Or the dad from Calvin and Hobbes. For a brief shining moment, that sort of mustache was actually kind of cool and commonly worn by shabby men of the comic arts. Not so much anymore. A beard is still safe territory, though. Because it’s what your face wants to happen! If you just leave your face alone, a full beard will arrive like a weary traveler looking for a home. All other facial hair styles are contingent on the year and social conventions and fashion and what not, so time travelers take care to do your research.

A young Seth Green plays the kid version of Tozier. It’s weird but you can kind of see the origins of his voice work on Family Guy and Robot Chicken when he does the wacky voices his character requires. You can also see the origins of the cage that Tim Curry will inevitably be locked in and placed miles beneath the surface of the Earth because he is completely convincing as a horrifying monster. Someone needs to wrap him in a bag of pistachios and throw it in the ocean because he is truly terrifying. Sorry, Tim Curry’s loved ones. You know you were thinking it.

Oh yeah- the amazing John Ritter is in this movie rocking a leather vest. Ponytails, vests, mustaches- the costume designer must have just got back from a magician’s conference. Or a country music line dancing conference. Or some horrible combination of the two. I bet they would call it The Magic Line. The only problem with that is that in order to dance you need to get within twenty feet of a woman, so… sorry magicians!

The monster at the end [spoiler alert] is pretty lame. I remember watching this with my mom when it first aired in the 1990’s and she yelled, “Come on!” at the screen in disgust because of how cheesy it looked. Yeah mom! To hell with those bad special effects! My mom demands better standards from the prop department. That thing looked like the ant from Honey I Shrunk the Kids after ten years of stripping in ant strip clubs. The Thorax. The Broken Antenna. The Heavy Crumb. It’s a seedy world in the ant adult entertainment industry. Stay in school, ants! Also, aunts.

It

The monster in It takes on the form of whatever scares you the most, like the wolfman or the creeping eye or the mummy. Come to think of it, maybe it just takes on the form of whatever scares Shaggy and Scooby-Doo the most. G-g-g-g-ghosts!  I got a Scooby-Doo t-shirt off Threadless and it really gets a lot of attention. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten something that draws the eye to my big fat torso. It’s like hanging a work of art on the side of an out of shape mule.

Tim Curry played It in a 1990 television mini series. They’re always trying to make Tim Curry evil. Dressing him up like a devil or a killer clown or a sweet transvestite. Oh, who should we get to play the goat faced murdering tranny? Tim Curry’s like, “I’ll do it! I brought my own prosthetic goat hooves!” If you ask me Sam Rockwell and his amazing dancing legs would be perfect as Pennywise for a reboot of It.

Steven Weber narrated the audiobook for It. By the end, I felt like Steven Weber and I had gone on a real journey together. I now regret that I am no longer hearing his voice in my headphones all day long. Maybe they should start a service where your favorite audiobook readers call you a couple times a day after the book is over and read your email to you. “This is William Hurt. Fr33 V1agr4 be the horniest chap in the neighborhood satisfy her needs!!!”

If you took out the shapeshifting creature from another dimension that can take on the form of whatever you fear the most in this world, It would still be a great book about a group of friends growing up in a small Maine town. Stephen King has a lot to say about the power of fear versus the power of faith and the value of love, and he’s never said it better than in this long ass book.

Spoiler Alert

I hope they make a new movie version of It and include some of the darker elements. Oh yeah and not to mention when they made the mini series they left out all the stuff about the enormous turtle that vomited the universe into existing.

Maybe when they do the reboot the turtle will have a pair of katanas and a blue face mask. And the whole time this killer clown was really an invention of Shredder that escaped from the Technodrome and the all the characters from It have to team up with Splinter and Leonardo to fight it and I’ll be god damned if I’m not accidentally writing Stephen King/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan fiction. Well, while I’m at it I might as well make it erotic fan fiction.

Turtle Power!