Tag Archives: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The Lone Ranger: My Third Grade Teacher Might Also Be Haunting Me Because I Told Her She Looked Like Oprah

The Lone Ranger: My Third Grade Teacher Might Also Be Haunting Me Because I Told Her She Looked Like Oprah

Looks like nobody can decide whether or not the Lone Ranger is a man or a ghost! You know who I think might be a ghost? My third grade math teacher. When I asked her if it was okay to count on my fingers, she got mad and said, “Absolutely not!”

Imperial Trouble Episode 93: Minotaurs, Manatees, And Mentors

Imperial Trouble Episode 93: Minotaurs, Manatees, And Mentors

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This week’s topics include Manatees quantum leaping into Jimmy Buffett’s body, a world where the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles never learned ninjitsu, our favorite mentors, and the skeletal structure of Richie Rich. Guest hosts: Beau Brown and Jack Walsh.

It

The monster in It takes on the form of whatever scares you the most, like the wolfman or the creeping eye or the mummy. Come to think of it, maybe it just takes on the form of whatever scares Shaggy and Scooby-Doo the most. G-g-g-g-ghosts!  I got a Scooby-Doo t-shirt off Threadless and it really gets a lot of attention. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten something that draws the eye to my big fat torso. It’s like hanging a work of art on the side of an out of shape mule.

Tim Curry played It in a 1990 television mini series. They’re always trying to make Tim Curry evil. Dressing him up like a devil or a killer clown or a sweet transvestite. Oh, who should we get to play the goat faced murdering tranny? Tim Curry’s like, “I’ll do it! I brought my own prosthetic goat hooves!” If you ask me Sam Rockwell and his amazing dancing legs would be perfect as Pennywise for a reboot of It.

Steven Weber narrated the audiobook for It. By the end, I felt like Steven Weber and I had gone on a real journey together. I now regret that I am no longer hearing his voice in my headphones all day long. Maybe they should start a service where your favorite audiobook readers call you a couple times a day after the book is over and read your email to you. “This is William Hurt. Fr33 V1agr4 be the horniest chap in the neighborhood satisfy her needs!!!”

If you took out the shapeshifting creature from another dimension that can take on the form of whatever you fear the most in this world, It would still be a great book about a group of friends growing up in a small Maine town. Stephen King has a lot to say about the power of fear versus the power of faith and the value of love, and he’s never said it better than in this long ass book.

Spoiler Alert

I hope they make a new movie version of It and include some of the darker elements. Oh yeah and not to mention when they made the mini series they left out all the stuff about the enormous turtle that vomited the universe into existing.

Maybe when they do the reboot the turtle will have a pair of katanas and a blue face mask. And the whole time this killer clown was really an invention of Shredder that escaped from the Technodrome and the all the characters from It have to team up with Splinter and Leonardo to fight it and I’ll be god damned if I’m not accidentally writing Stephen King/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan fiction. Well, while I’m at it I might as well make it erotic fan fiction.

Turtle Power!