The first thing I did in Skyrim was join a group of warriors called The Companions. They turned out to be werewolves. Then I became a werewolf. Then I was cured of being a werewolf by cutting off a witch’s head. Later, I realized I’d misread the instructions and the cure for being a werewolf is cutting off a witch in traffic.
An official Indiana Jones Prequel Facebook game was announced by Zynga, creators of FarmVille. Players will use machetes and whips to explore jungles and search for treasure in the free-to-play Indiana Jones Adventure World. The game is also programmed to steal your personal data and replace it with a bag of sand.
PICTURED: Indiana Jones. Accompanied by the lead singer of Simply Red, apparently.
A trailer for Snow White and the Huntsman was recently released. In the film, a mirror urges an evil queen to kill Snow White and eat her heart to become more beautiful. In a related story, an informal survey of men everywhere revealed the quality they find most attractive in women is a willingness to eat human hearts.
A patch for the game The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is said to have “fixed an occasional issue where a guest would arrive to the player’s wedding dead”. A similar glitch in most American states in which gay players arrive to their own wedding but are unable to get married has yet to be patched.
An antique Stradivarius was recreated from a CAT scan. A copy produced from the 307-year-old violin is said to sound “amazingly similar” to the original. Researchers were also able to duplicate the world’s smallest violin by pinching their thumb and forefinger together and sarcastically playing the world’s saddest song on it for you.
Finally, a deformed pig has learned to walk on his front legs:
The pig announced plans to see an R-rated movie as soon as it finds a second pig to fill out a trenchcoat and fedora.
Some gamers have observed that the horse in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is able to climb impossibly steep mountains and defy gravity by walking up completely vertical surfaces. To be fair, the last time a horse had its legs up in the air at such an extreme angle, Seabiscuit got a response to his H4HH personal ad on Craigslist.
I myself observed the main character of Skyrim drinking a potion he found next to a rotting corpse in an ancient tomb, making the redneck boy that lived in a filthy trailer down the street from me with a closet full of Hustler magazines and a kitchen so filthy I was forbidden to eat or drink anything from his house look like a sommelier at Le Bernardin in New York City. Developers have already planned a contemporary sequel to Skyrim in which the hero drinks a Capri Sun he finds under the body at an open casket funeral.
The SyFy Channel has announced that they’re renewing Being Human for a second season, the main characters of the show being a ghost, a vampire, and a werewolf. Coincidentally, this is the same list of sexual partners that Franken Berry is legally obligated to notify that they’ve been exposed to herpes.
PICTURED: The hero of Skyrim discovers a gross potion. Or possibly Franken Berry’s penis.
Fans of full frontal nudity and dragons will be pleased to learn that Game of Thrones has released a teaser trailer for Season 2. However, fans of full frontal dragon nudity will have to settle for watching Dame Judy Dench undress from a nearby tree branch with their fingers crossed.
Finally, a pug was dressed in a Wampa costume:
The pug’s arm was later severed by a Labradoodle dressed as Luke Skywalker.