Tag Archives: The Time Traveler’s Wife

The Time Traveler’s Wife

Eric Bana is naked every time he uncontrollably leaps around in time, like if Quantum Leap starred a bachelorette party stripper. Did any of you ladies need something put right that once went wrong? Speaking of stripping, me and some friends were trying to find bad movies to watch on Netflix and we settled on a movie called Ghost In A Bikini. To be fair, it was categorized as horror. I’ll tell you what’s horrifying- seeing some dude sucking on a lady’s nipples a minute into the movie. More ghost, less bikini! Well, more bikini, too. More clothes in general is what I’m saying. Not that I’m horrified by the act of nipple sucking. Babies won’t shut up about the whole thing, but honestly I don’t see the hoopla. All I’m saying is, Netflix- don’t say it’s a horror movie and then show a skin flick. What if I’d shown Ghost In A Bikini at my church group’s weekly horror movie showing? The deacon’s Fangoria cap would have flown right off his head and he’d be spitting holy water all over the youth minister’s GWAR shirt as soon as he saw that errant nipple.

Rachel McAdams is about to marry the time traveler and then poof he time travels right out of his tuxedo. Then he shows up old as hell. Even the bride’s father is like, damn he’s old as shit! Is it even legal to marry an ancient mummy? Then the old version of Eric Bana disappears and the young Eric Bana is back and he’s all, “Oh hey did I miss anything? Let’s dance to Broken Social Scene’s cover of Joy Division’s Love Will Tear Us Apart, even though that’s an odd song choice for a public ceremony celebrating our plans to not have a doomed romance.” Then they’re on their honeymoon and jumping up and down on the bed in their wedding clothes oh hell no they’re not he gone he time travel! Shazam bitches!

I got fitted for a tuxedo yesterday at Men’s Wearhouse. One of the employees looked like a silver haired Andy Warhol. He was so fabulous he made Ziggy Stardust look like Richard Nixon. And he made Richard Nixon look like David Bowie. He made a lot of things look like other things. I bet if you dated a girl that worked there she’d talk about him all the time. Oh, you won’t believe what Fabuloso said today! Fabuloso got his cape caught in the tie thresher today! What?! What is a tie thresher?

Spoiler Alert

You better believe the time traveler’s wife is the time traveler’s widow before the movie is over. You know, for a guy with an amazing ability to travel through time, he uses it almost exclusively to hang out with his wife. That’s like being able to fly and then using your flying ability to fly your girlfriend to a late showing of Sex and the City 2 at the dollar theater. Which, by the way- Fabuloso hated. He was screaming and throwing popcorn at the screen and waving his opera glasses around. He was like, Ooooooweeeee! Then he pulled his ascot out and started rubbing the movie theater manager’s bald head with it. That dude does not know how to act at the movies.