Tag Archives: Timothy Olyphant

Jam Your Hands in a Janitor’s Bucket: A Review of “I Am Number Four”

Alright- there’s nine alien teenagers on our planet and some other evil aliens want to kill them. IN NUMERIC ORDER. Gotta admire that attention to detail. The head bad alien is like, “Guys..guys! We gotta go by the murder list! If we kill Number Five and then Number Three I’m going to lose track of where we are and we’ll have to start all over again and I am not driving back to the store to get more weird red goo for our laser guns.”

Just in case there is any doubt who the Number Four in this movie is, it’s the main blond teenager, not the secondary blond teenagers. Also, he clears up the whole “which one is Number Four?!!” issue by thoughtfully telling the audience he’s Number Four in the first five (four?) minutes of the movie. To which I can only imagine The Count from Sesame Street stood up and whirled his cape around and thunderously applauded. Ahhh! One blond teenage alien! Two blond teenage aliens! Three blond teenage aliens! Four blond teenage aliens and Count I’m going to go ahead and stop you right there at four.

One thing that really bugged me in this movie is that Number Four left the default Earth wallpaper as his homescreen on his iPhone. Can’t you change the wallpaper to a picture of Timothy Olyphant or something? Anyway, the movie starts with Number Four having summer fun on the beach with some beach hotties! Jet skis! Bonfires! Some super-chill Jack Johnson music, maybe? No? Okay.

Number Four gets a text from a beach hottie (on that damnable default Earth wallpaper) to come meet him in a lagoon. Then they swim around in the night ocean and she looks up and says, “Oh, look- the stars. There’s my favorite, the Big Dipper!” All the constellations in the sky and you pick the Big Dipper? Oh look a big old spoon in the sky! So much cooler than a bear or a scorpion or a guy shooting an arrow. Think of all the cereal you could eat with that enormous sky spoon!

Number Four’s leg starts doing some light-up alien shit and the beach girl flips out and she flees, presumably to protect her spoon collection. Timothy Olyphant, who is also an alien and has the thankless job of protecting Number Four, says, “We gotta get the fuck out of here.” Then he throws all their pictures in a fire along with their license plate. Is it that easy to burn a license plate? I thought they were made of metal. Is a beach campfire hot enough to incinerate metal? If so, then Sarah Connor should try to lure all the Terminators to a Jimmy Buffett concert.

So they go to Ohio and Number Four falls in love pretty much five (four?) minutes into attending his new high school. Also, what is going on with the soundtrack in this movie? The Black Keys, The xx, Adele? You know you were choosing songs for I Am Number Four, right? That’s like wrapping a Target gift card in ornate gold foil paper and putting an origami bird on top of it. I mean, thanks for the Target card, I needed to get some Claritin and batteries, but wow.

Number Four and his new girlfriend Sarah go walking around downtown and she’s like, “I’m a photographer! I was hanging out with the cool popular kids but then I chose photography instead, which is a choice pretty girls are often forced to make.” Afterwards, she takes a photograph of two little girls running away from her partially blocked by pedestrians in the middle of the night with no flash. Then she takes a photo of Number Four’s chin. Wheeee I’m Ansel Adams lens cap!

Then rainbows come out of Number Four’s hands until he jams them in a janitor’s bucket. “Rainbows coming out of your hands until you jam them in a janitor’s bucket” is also a euphemism for a terrifically erotic but forbidden sex act. This kind of thing keeps happening until the bad aliens find Number Four and (spoiler!) Timothy Olyphant gets his ass killed. Turns out all the aliens disintegrate into stone and ash when they die, both the good and bad aliens. I thought they were from different planets, though. Is this some kind of chimney sweep solar system they’re all from? Jesus.

The main bad alien guy keeps making snide remarks about comic books and gadgets and watching too much TV. I’m surprised his dying words weren’t, “I don’t even own a television!” Sorry, I forgot to mention the bad guy dies. But I will let you find out for yourself whether he was killed clutching a copy of Wine Spectator magazine. The End!

Pirates of the Caribbean : On Stranger Tides – Trailer

The barrel budget on this movie must be through the roof. The President of Disney is probably up all night, surrounded by bills from different barrel companies marked PAST DUE. “Jesus Christ, these barrels. Didn’t pirates ever go anywhere without a thousand barrels on their ship?” he mutters to himself. I guess if he goes broke from barrel costs he can at least wear a barrel instead of clothes.

Looks like Captain Jack Sparrow is still wearing eyeliner that doesn’t run or smear when he gets it wet. He should look like a bleary eyed raccoon escort with all the moisture and water he gets into. Plus fire and swords can’t be good for that effeminate fop pirate look, either. Eyeliner would have been worse about smearing back then, not better, right?

Guess it was only a matter of time before mermaids came into the picture. These mermaids look mean and sexy and pouty, like models that can breathe saltwater. I wonder if they have little mermaid iPhones they can use to take photos of themselves in their mermaid mirrors to upload to the mermaid internet. No way are you going to date these mermaids. They live in the water and they’re pretty, get out of here dumb pirates you don’t even have a cool Tumblr.

Hey, Ian McShane as Blackbeard! My grandmother gave me a book about Bluebeard once, who is one step removed from Blackbeard in the world of color-coded pirate beard names. As it turns out, Bluebeard murdered all his wives. They even made the color of the paperback blueish to match his beard and the watery grave to which he sent the heads of his wives. I guess the book must have taken some liberties with the story of Bluebeard because I went to Wikipedia and it doesn’t seem like he got involved with the sea at all.

Ian McShane was great in Deadwood, and so was Timothy Olyphant. I think if they ever remake Stephen King’s The Stand they should cast Timothy Olyphant as Stu Redman and Nathan Fillion as Randall Flagg. Anyway, Pirates of the Caribbean : On Stranger Tides doesn’t look any better or worse than the other Pirates of the Caribbean movies. One time I tried to watch them all in a row during a USA Network marathon and got sick of the beach even though I hadn’t been to the beach in a year.

Hereafter

Matt Damon is a psychic who gave up psychic-ing to be a blue collar worker because he got sick of talking to dead people all the time. Man, how insufferable are these ghosts? Hey Matt Damon, would you mind relaying this important message to my loved ones in the mortal realm? NO, shut up you stupid skeleton! I want to weld or hammer stuff and wear a hard hat. This factory job is much, much better than communicating with the dead.

Also, are the dead people all just hanging out in that sepia blur world all the time just waiting to talk to Matt Damon? There is a restaurant here in Atlanta that makes fried chicken tacos with jalapeño mayonnaise and there is always a long line to get in. Maybe being dead and talking to Matt Damon is like eating three of those tacos with a side of turnip greens.

A French lady almost gets killed in a tsunami and is briefly dead. The actress that plays her has the most French name imaginable, Cécile de France. Unless you named her Baguette de Fancy Bicyclé, it doesn’t get much more French than that. She’s so French that even though her Wikipedia page is in English, the entry on her career makes a point of stressing that she studied art dramatique! Really, Wikipedia page? Not the dramatic arts? Even the character Amélie from the movie Amélie would read that and say, “Sacrebleu! This page, it is too French, even for me!”

Plus, there are two British twins and one of them dies. So the living twin is walking around a train station and the dead twin knocks the hat off his head and saves his life from a train bombing. Wait a minute, movie. You never said ghosts could manipulate hats! Also, all the dead people are over there in golden world standing up with no chairs to sit in at the Department of Waiting on Matt Damon, aka Hell. Do they have the ability to reach into our world and do whatever they want with our hats?

No wonder Matt Damon doesn’t want to talk to them anymore, they keep pushing our finest hats onto the dirty ground! Who wants to dust off their hard hat twenty times a day on their way to the world’s greatest factory that’s better than supernatural powers? Not Matt Damon, that’s for sure.

Clint Eastwood directed this movie instead of starring as Roland in the movie adaptation of Stephen King’s The Gunslinger, which is what he does in my head all the time. Even though he is a good director, I don’t think Clint Eastwood should be in charge of the afterlife. “So, Clint Eastwood- now that I’m dead, what’s there to do around here?” “Well, we have a bunch of fuzzy light on everything. And you can do whatever you want to anyone’s hat. Even Timothy Olyphant’s cowboy hat on the show Justified, which is only getting better in its second season.”

Oh, I almost got to the end of the review without mentioning Matt Damon’s sensible grey wool sweater! And I just did! So somber. Just a really serious piece of clothing. The end!

Dead Rising 2

Dead Rising 2

Wow, I barely wrote anything at all last week. What was I doing? Eating ice cream. The whole time, just ice cream. Ice cream sounds good, but “iced cream” sounds amazing, right? I picture a big frosty bowl of cream, full of ice flakes and vanilla extract. If cats could read the internet, I bet they’d “like” that on Facebook.

Anyway, running a website is thirsty work, especially in this modern age, aka “the golden age of indifference”. You ever try to get a celebrity on twitter to respond to your kinda-jokey-but-acknowledge-me-please tweet on twitter? Refresh, refresh. They are never going to admit that you tweeted at them. Twitter court is in session. Did this fan of yours tweet you an @ message, Jennifer Lopez? NO? CASE DISMISSED. Where was I? Oh right, thirsty work. I broke my rule about drinking out of the ginger ale bottle from the fridge and it was amazing. No more glasses for this lucky son of a bitch!

I played Dead Rising 2 all day yesterday, from noon to one in the morning. I took a break to eat spaghetti and watch half an episode of Justified. I’m sure any lady would be happy to get in bed with Timothy Olyphant, I bet he has a tight little body. What, I can’t say that? Well, sorry heterosexual world! Guess I’ll have to pack my bags and turn in my straight guy card, I suppose all those years of eating Hot Pockets and listening to Too $hort have been in vain.

You know what I love about Dead Rising 2? All the time management. You gotta rescue people and be at different places at different times or you lose the game. Like being Timothy Olyphant’s publicist and having to juggle interviews and topless beefcake calender posing appointments. Justify These Abs 2011!

Also, I love being able to pick out clothes for my character. I like dressing up dudes made of pixels more than I like dressing myself. It takes all my effort not to wear a too-tight promotional Green Hornet T-shirt every day of the week. Dead Rising 2 has all kind of outfits you can mix and match. I went with a tennis headband, collegiate outfit and aviator glasses so I looked like Luke Wilson’s tennis pro from The Royal Tenenbaums. Go Mordecai!

I have to admit that despite being a rational adult who does not find cartoon characters attractive, I found lady reporter Rebecca Chang quite fetching. Almost enough to do a Google image search for her with SafeSearch turned “Off”. Don’t coddle me, Google image search, I know what I’m doing! Searching Google Images sans SafeSearch is like being Cate Blanchett in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. You think you want all that information, but it will melt your face off.

My only issue with Dead Rising 2, which was minor because I burned through most of the game in a single day, was that there seemed to be a lot of repeating zombies. I must have passed that fat zombie like three thousand times! You know when you say goodbye to someone and then it turns out that they are going the same direction as you, so now your first goodbye means nothing, so you keep making conversation until you think it’s safe to say goodbye again, then whoomp there it is they are like, haha I’m actually riding with you and they get in your car and your second goodbye is now also useless?

I felt like this whole game was like that with the fat zombie and the zombie in the hat and the lady zombie in the sensible Payless ShoeSource outfit. Goodbye, zombies in the casino, I’m going into the mall now! What? How did you get in here? Oh well, goodbye mall zombies, I’m going to the underground tunnels! Whaaaat? You again?! I killed you with a lightsaber I made out of gems and a flashlight!

Which, come to think of it, is how lightsabers would be built if only rich old ladies looking for a circuit-breaker box in their basement were Jedi. Good night, everybody!