Tag Archives: Tom Cruise

Imperial Trouble Episode 98: You And I Can Be A Madea

Imperial Trouble Episode 98: You And I Can Be A Madea

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In this episode, we discuss a dubious nickname we found for John the Baptist on the internet, and the director’s commentary for the Method Man/Redman movie How High. A joke about Tom Cruise falls flat.

Guest hosts: Kristina Ackerman, Rich Aviles, and Tony Jenkins.

Imperial Trouble Episode 76: “The Dark Knight Rises” With Renn Brown Of CHUD.com

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Jason and guest Renn Brown of CHUD.com discuss upcoming film The Dark Knight Rises. Jason realizes he likes Tom Cruise and shares his anxiety about the The Kentucky Derby. The podcast is compared to Deadwood’s Al Swearengen. Also discussed: the Old Murder House Theatre.

Moonrise Kingdom

Moonrise Kingdom

In which Jason and Kristina of Knuckle Salad discuss the trailer for the movie Moonrise Kingdom.

J: Wow, this movie has it all. Little girls in bird costumes, old compasses, kids writing notes to each other on custom stationary and Ed Norton in a Boy Scout uniform. It’s like the deleted scenes from The People vs. Larry Flynt in an alternate universe where Hustler magazine is about the top sellers on Etsy. According to its synopsis, Moonrise Kingdom is about two twelve-year-olds who fall in love at summer camp, make a secret pact, and run away together into the wilderness. I had a crush on a curly haired girl at 4-H camp when I was twelve. She never smiled and got pregnant in the tenth grade. I guess she would have gotten pregnant even sooner if she hadn’t scowled so much.

The Lacy Hem Of His Embroidered Sleeve: A Review Of “Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles”

Christian Slater is interviewing a vampire and he’s wearing his best interviewing vest, so you know he’s going to ask the hard hitting questions. Come to think of it, he’s pretty surprised when Brad Pitt admits to being a vampire. Why did he want to interview him in the first place? Does he interview everybody he meets in an alleyway? Maybe he works for the Wino Times.

Brad Pitt starts telling the story of when he was a human back in the 1700’s. He spends most of his time feeling suicidal and hanging around fancy statues of angels because his family is dead. Given the high mortality rate back then, the fancy angel statue business must have been booming. Maybe that’s how Brad Pitt’s family got so wealthy, by being fancy angel statue barons. Then a Cajun accuses Brad Pitt of cheating at cards and pulls a gun on him. Brad Pitt pulls his flouncy ruffled shirt down to display his bare chest, presumably to help the bullet get to his heart faster. Gee, thanks— if you hadn’t pulled your frilly pirate shirt down I’d have never been able to murder you with this gun. In fact, most modern bullet proof vests include a layer of puffy lace fabric.

Anyway, Tom Cruise shows up and starts sucking Brad Pitt’s blood and it’s apparently so delicious he starts levitating up in the air. Guess that explains where Angelina Jolie got her ability to fly. Then Tom Cruises forces Brad Pitt to drink his blood from his wrist below the lacy hem of his embroidered sleeve, which is also the only way Tom Cruise will accept your friend request on Facebook. Brad Pitt turns into a vampire and sees a fancy angel statue open its eyes and look at him. That really was the golden age of fancy angel statue technology.

Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt tie their hair in ribbons and go on a vampire bender, drinking prostitutes’ blood and sleeping in top notch coffins. Then they turn a twelve year old Kirsten Dunst into a vampire. They dress her up like a doll and make sure she learns to play the piano. She and Tom Cruise go around playing the piano for families and killing them afterwards. How did word of mouth get around about this amazing twelve year old vampire pianist if they killed everybody they ever performed for? How did they even get in the door? Oh, hello! Can my “daughter” come in and play the piano for you? Yes, I know it’s the middle of the night and I made air quotes when I called her my daughter. She’s very good, though. Just let us in. No, you have to invite us in. Why do we have fangs and unnaturally pale and veiny skin? Look, do you want to hear Für Elise or not?

Kirsten Dunst and Brad Pitt get sick of Tom Cruise, so they slit his throat and throw him in a swamp to die. He survives and comes back for revenge so they set him on fire and flee the country, which is also the only way Tom Cruise will allow you to unfriend him on Facebook.

Then Kirsten Dunst and Brad Pitt meet some vampires who live in a theater and put on shows about death and drinking blood. They even kill people on stage during the performances! Way to challenge your craft, vampire actors. I’m not expecting On Golden Pond but not every performance has to end with you biting a naked lady on the neck and draining her blood. Also, have you considered not parading your victims around in front of a live audience? That’s how Frankenstein’s touring company of Guys and Dolls got shut down.

The vampire actors are mad at Kirsten Dunst for killing Tom Cruise so they lock her in an open chamber and let her turn into a pile of ash in the sunlight. Brad Pitt gets his revenge by burning them in their coffins and torching their entire theater. I bet theater critics all over the city were like, “Hooray!” Newspapers probably read “Shitty Stupid Vampire Theater Burns! No More Dumb Plays About Neck Biting! Wolfman And The Mummy Shine In ‘The Producers’!

Brad Pitt runs into Tom Cruise in modern times. Tom Cruise hasn’t changed clothes in two hundred years. He’s essentially got on one of my great-grandmother’s doilies. Somewhere an old woman’s tea trolley is in danger of tea cup ring stains. And then the interview is over! Also, this review. Good night!

Minority Report

It’s the year 2054, iPhones are probably great, and a businessman is about to kill his wife for cheating on him. His wife is pretty bad at cheating, though. Her lover or baby daddy or whatever just lurks across the street in the park like a weirdo staring at the house. Hey Casanova, this isn’t the line at Zaxby’s and that house isn’t the fryer where chicken comes out. Maybe play it cool for a second.

Too bad for the lil’ future murderer— Tom Cruise is a pre-crime cop and has three psychics sleeping in a jacuzzi, so they already know what he’s planning to do. Tom Cruise is like HEY DON’T DO THAT and arrests the guy for even thinking about killing his bumbling wife and her doofus lover.

The psychics are called “precogs”. The precogs are named after mystery writers Agatha Christie, Arthur Conan Doyle, and Dashiell Hammett. I guess Jessica Fletcher from Murder, She Wrote didn’t make the cut. That lady solved like a million murders and she was old as hell. They should have made an artificial intelligence of Jessica Fletcher and let her solve all the crime. Murder, she computed. You’ve just been arrested by FLETCHERBOT.

When the precogs see a murder about to happen, a fancy wooden ball rolls down a set of glass tubes, the name of the victim is engraved on the wooden ball, then the ball is painted. The murderer’s name also gets a ball. I guess their first two ideas to squash the victim’s name into a penny and have a custom Hummel figurine created in the murderer’s likeness didn’t work out.

When a murderer’s ball comes down with Tom Cruise’s name on it, he’s like, “No way am I going to murder somebody in the future, I don’t care what an elegant painted wooden ball says!” I know, right? If I had a nickel for every time a handcrafted sphere made of the finest oak falsely accused me of homicide, I’d be able to buy my own FLETCHERBOT.

Tom Cruise goes on the run and has to break out of a car that drives itself on a weird sideways highway full of other robot cars that drive themselves. He kicks his way out of the Death Cab for Cruise-y and kidnaps Agatha. They go to the scene of the crime where he is supposed to kill some guy name Leo Crow. Not that he needs a backstory, but I wonder if Leo Crow is Sheryl Crow’s great-great grandson.

Crow wants Tom Cruise to kill him so his family gets money. So he tries to be Tom Cruise’s “Favorite Mistake”. Cruise doesn’t want to shoot him or bring him “Anything But Down”, but he thinks “A Change Would Do You Good”. He’s barely “Strong Enough” not to pull the trigger because he thinks Crow killed his son and in his mind, “All I Wanna Do” is murder him for revenge. Then I ran out of Sheryl Crow song titles.

Minority Report is based on a Philip K. Dick short story. As I understand it, someone once made a Philip K. Dick robotic head that got stolen. Also, according to the movie Waking Life, Philip K. Dick wrote another story that sort of weirdly came true and freaked him out. When I think of Philip K. Dick, I think of parallel dimensions, cigarette smoke and my high school theater teacher who wore impossibly short Daisy Dukes and looked like Philip K. Dick.

Just like with Blade Runner or Total Recall or The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, if you’re watching a movie based on a Philip K. Dick story you’re probably going to get an excellent science fiction experience. However, if you’re watching a theater director who looks like Philip K. Dick, you’re just going to see way too much pale middle-aged man leg.

Oh, also- there are really incredible touch-screen computers in the movie. But for some reason, instead of wireless data transfer or a Dropbox account, they move all pictures and data between computers on little glass panels that display whatever it is that’s on the disc. Hope you weren’t trying to move your porn collection.

Between the carved wood and the glass paned USB drives, it’s like someone saw a antique Italian chest of drawers and decided to make all the world’s computers like it. Or maybe steampunk finally took over. I thought I saw Tom Cruise wearing a little top hat with unnecessary gears glued to it.

Good night, everybody! Minority report!