Tag Archives: Torchwood

Imperial Trouble Episode 64: The Avengers, John Carter, And Before Watchmen

Imperial Trouble Episode 64: The Avengers, John Carter, And Before Watchmen

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Jason and Bunny discuss The Avengers, John Carter, and Before Watchmen. Other topics include Kim Kardashian as Slave Leia, T. S. Eliot, a Back to the Future musical, and whether Gwen Cooper will die on Torchwood.

Doctor Who Season 4

This review contains spoilers.

In Season 4 a skeleton in a space suit fights Doctor Who in the universe’s biggest library. Last time I had a run-in with a skeleton in a library it was inside a librarian’s body and she was shushing me. Good thing for Doctor Who skeletons don’t have ears. Though I do like the idea of ears of bone. Very lyrical, almost. ‘You can’t hear me on the phone/with those ivory ears of bone/I’m calling about an ice cream cone’. That song needs work, I think.

Later in the season Doctor Who shoots a laser into a giant robot’s mouth from a hot air balloon just to change a woman’s mind. Wish I could win an argument with a laser. I don’t want to eat sushi I want fried chicken tacos! Zip zap Zoop! (Huh- that sounds less like a laser and more like Bill Cosby wants a taco.)

Doctor Who’s new companion Donna is a secretary who got hijacked into the TARDIS on her wedding day. She likes to drink beer and flirt with men. She’s like one pint away from mashing her breasts together and yelling “OOH Have a look then!” She’s clearly the best of all the Doctor Who companions so far.

She and the Doctor go to the planet of the Ood. The Ood are docile slaves to humans and apparently sell like hotcakes, even though they look like bug eyed monstrosities with tentacles for mouths. I’m not saying you have to win a beauty contest to bring a millionaire his filet mignon, but nobody wants to tuck in to a fancy dinner with a wrinkly old sea monster lurking around the table like a weirdo.

Did I mention they go crazy and their eyes turn as red as Lucifer’s beard?

The Doctor frees all the Ood from slavery. He’s like the Harriet Tubman of gross cephalopods. An Ood even sings to him when Doctor Who is flailing around in the snow about to die. Oh great, just what I want to hear as I’m breathing my last. A gray skinned nightmare is singing a tune for me.

Daleks pull off the greatest robbery of all time by stealing a bunch of planets for their reality killing machine, even Earth! Who cares!! I hate every episode that the Daleks are in! I can’t tell you how disappointed I am to see their dumb metal eye cameras or whatever they see with.

Doctor Who gets a human clone of himself and leaves it with his old companion Rose from the first season so they can be in love together and he can fuck off on his adventures. Here you go, that ought to shut you up. Here’s a clone of me to grow old and die with.

Ladies, Doctor Who will do anything to get out of being your boyfriend. Pretty soon he’s going to stuff some straw in a burlap sack, wrap it in a pinstriped suit, stuff it in a blue cardboard box and that’s who you’ll introduce your parents to, a scarecrow Doctor Who in a cardboard TARDIS.

What do you know, the President of the Time Lords pops in for a surprise visit. He wears a robe and a big crazy hat and carries a staff. I guess even though Time Lords wear normal clothes they have to dress up like wizards to hold an office. I had a nerd freak out when I realized his electricity shooting glove was the companion to the glove that brings people back from the dead in Torchwood. And then I realized I was getting excited about fictional gloves. Guess that was his murderin’ glove.

The Time Lords have an evil plan to live outside of time so they decide to destroy time for everyone everywhere. On the plus side, everybody’s Netflix movies would arrive all at once instead of sitting in the queue with the words LONG WAIT next to them.

When the President of the Time Lords shows up on Earth the first thing out of his mouth is, “On your knees humanity!” Ok, but you better take humanity out to Applebee’s later, and humanity gets to order any appetizer it wants.

Doctor Who takes a big blast of radiation to the face (I’ll have the Mozzarella Sticks and the Boneless Buffalo Wings) so that means he’s gotta die and regenerate a whole new face and personality. He goes around for a solid half hour saying goodbye to everybody he knows, solemnly nodding and waving farewell to all his friends. David Tennant was lucky to get such an elaborate sendoff, Christopher Eccleston barely got a boot in the butt on the way out.

Then he regenerates into Matt Smith, a gangly young man with a pleasantly lopsided face and fancy hair. Sorry Matt Smith, didn’t mean to describe you like a forest ogre with a cave full of hair care products. Swatting at wizards with a tree trunk— RARRR Let go of my Herbal Essences!

Doctor Who Season 3

This review contains spoilers.

You think Doctor Who gets hot wearing a long coat over his suit all the time? I hate wearing a coat unless it’s really cold. Ever wear a coat in a car that’s been sitting in the sun all day? Even though it’s cold outside, the car is really hot but you’ve made your coat decision and got your seat belt on, so now you just have to sweat while you drive around.

Doctor Who is so lonely he can’t help but pick up another strange woman on his travels in season three. Good thing he has an eye for heroic ladies. Hate to see the Doctor get graadlefaxrd on the planet Hyrule because a truck stop hooker sold him out for a pack of sonic cigarettes.

It took me three seasons to wonder this, but where do the Doctor’s companions sleep on his police box ship? Must get frustrating sleeping in the same room, but not the same bed, as someone you have sexual tension with. Doctor Who’s TARDIS is like the champagne room of time traveling ships.

Oh there’s champagne in the Champagne Room. But you don’t want champagne… you want sex. And there’s no sex in the TARDIS.

Martha Jones is the Doctor’s companion this season. She’s so hot even Shakespeare wants to get in her pants (not a euphemism, they actually meet Shakespeare). She’s black, so every time they travel to a year before 1980 everyone has to make some dick racist comment to her. She even suffers through a job as a maid in 1913 England when Doctor Who becomes a human to hide out from some aliens.  Oh hey I’m going to lay low for a while— mind scrubbing floors for a few months? I’ll be over here teaching school as a well respected professor. Lalalala…

Doctor Who’s worst enemy the Daleks try to make a comeback on the top of The Empire State building during the Great Depression. They want to make human-Dalek hybrids. Doctor Who stops their plan by transmitting his own DNA into the human Daleks through a bolt of lightning.

I know how you feel Doctor Who. The last time I “transmitted my DNA” it felt like a bolt of lightning, too.

Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood hitches a ride on the Doctor’s ship by literally holding on to the sides of the police box as it hurtles through time and space. I don’t think this follows NASA protocol for space travel. Just because the man can’t die doesn’t mean he can hold on to a wooden box with his fingertips on a trip to the end of the universe. This isn’t a mechanical bull on dollar beer night, Captain Jack.

Right before Harkness peaces out he drops some knowledge on the Doctor that he is, in fact, The Face of Boe. The Face of Boe is an enormous wrinkled face as old as time itself. It lives in a glass vat. Doctor Who watches him die in the far-flung future. Captain Jack is immortal and has a splendid coat. Wow, this show is all about coats. I guess it wouldn’t be as popular if it was called Doctor Coats.

I guess Jack is immortal, but not too immortal. He lives forever, but not FOREVER. More like a lot of ever. Quite a bit of ever. But not forever.

The big bad this season is The Master, another time lord that The Face of Boe warned the Doctor about. The Master takes all the humans at the end of time and puts their heads in some miniature death stars with needles and lasers. And he steals the TARDIS and makes it into a “paradox machine” (aka a Doctor Who scriptwriter’s keyboard) that ensures that time doesn’t collapse on itself.

Oh yeah and he ages Doctor Who one hundred years, turning him into a wizened little gnomish creature and puts him in a cage. I like that even in the cage the little Doctor Who had on a miniature suit. Where did he get that suit?

Oh hello, I’ve just taken over the world and turned my arch nemesis Doctor Who into a wizened diminutive version of himself. But I need a tiny pinstriped suit for him.

Well of course I’ve tried Baby Gap!

Doctor Who Season 1

Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his ‘I Have A Dream’ speech on August 28, 1963. Three months later the first episode of Dr.Who aired.

FORTY SEVEN YEARS LATER we finally have a black president and Dr.Who is still on the air. You’d have to watch nearly five decades worth of episodes to get caught up. Can you imagine sitting down and trying to watch that much ancient British television? The first episodes weren’t even in color.

“Oh dear, some old black and white British social problem seems to be rearing its ugly head. I guess this is what this show will be about because computers haven’t even been invented yet.”

I like Christopher Eccleston’s modern Dr.Who- he looks like a jug eared Roman senator. He travels around time and space in a blue police box with the lovely Billie Piper, who plays his companion Rose.

Speaking of beautiful women in Doctor Who episodes, a friend of mine who was a fan of the show as a young man in the 80’s told me he horrified a female Doctor Who fan by penning an erotic tale featuring The Doctor and his former companion Leela entitled “Space Spurts”. The contents of ‘Space Spurts’ are lost to time, but the title lives on in my head every time I see a multicolored scarf or an alien with an erection.

Eccleston’s Doctor goes head to head against his most hated enemy—the Daleks. The Daleks are robotic creatures that look like big vacuums and they kill people with electric prods that resemble plungers. I guess some Doctor Who writer back in the sixties got attacked by a maid once.

The Daleks yell “EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!” in a grating metallic voice before they kill people. What if they wanted to sneak up on Doctor Who? They should be able to whisper it, too.

In one episode a Dalek’s outer shell gets opened up and it turns out there’s a slimy octopus inside. I bet it smells pretty bad in there- imagine if you wore a big metal vacuum cleaner chasing Doctor Who around and never took it off, just rolling around poking your death plunger at everything.

Also, there are these aliens that look like big babies with giant claws and they wear people’s skin as disguises. They have this big plan to take over the British government (just throw some of their tea into a harbor, am I right America?). I thought it was odd that they couldn’t wait to take off their human skin costumes so they could run around and kill people. Every five minutes one of them is sneaking off into a side room and unzipping their foreheads and killing another human. That’s like removing your whole Halloween costume just to smoke a cigarette.

In this season Eccleston’s Doctor meets Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood for the first time. In one episode Harkness looks like he tried to dress like Han Solo but ended up getting a part as an extra in the musical Grease and just modified the outfit a little. Good thing they started dressing him in that military surplus coat, or it would have been hard to take him seriously on Torchwood.

When Christopher Eccleston’s Doctor started to get freaky with TARDIS energy (not an excerpt from “Space Spurts” I assure you) and turns into David Tennant’s Doctor, I was sad to see him go. In fact I was like “What the hell no way am I going to like this new Doctor Who!”

Five minutes later I was streaming the second season of Doctor Who on Netflix, Eccleston’s big ears and leather jacket a distant memory, cheering David Tennant and being like “Yeah I love this new Doctor Who!”

Torchwood

Torchwood is the best science fiction show I will never ever be able to convince my girlfriend to watch. As the British say, it is really “posh” and “spot on” and “crumpets” and “bangers and mash”. I got that right, didn’t I? I’d hate it if the queen was reading this review and spit her tea out into her Union Jack teacup because I mixed up some colloquialisms.

Torchwood is a spin off of the new Doctor Who, and is the more serious and sober of the two- not a difficult feat because Doctor Who is completely and utterly bananas.

The first season starts with a British policewoman named Gwen Cooper stumbling onto a guy getting brought back from the dead by Captain Jack Harkness and his Torchwood crew. She can’t let go of what she’s seen, so she keeps showing up at their headquarters even though they try to wipe her memory. Eventually they relent and teach her the secret handshake and before you can say “Oh ‘ello there” in a cheery British accent she’s ghost riding the Torchwood whip, so to speak, along with her new pals Owen Harper the bachelor doctor, Toshiko “Tosh” Sato the shy technology expert and Captain Jack- the bisexual unkillable American con man from the distant future with a dapper ass coat. Not to mention Ianto the tea-fetcher/butler, who plays Alfred to Captain Jack’s Batman, if Alfred and Batman constantly made out.

I have to take my hat off to the BBC- it’s nice to see strong gay characters in any medium of fiction that aren’t being stereotyped, though the last time I saw this much guy on guy kissing in science fiction was the gay space porno my great-great-great-great grandson produces and directs in the year 3000. (In the year 3000 every citizen is required by law to produce and direct at least one gay space porno.)

The only thing that bothers me about Torchwood is: they keep acting like these extraterrestrial visitors called Weevils are the living embodiment of hate and malice and aggression. Torchwood members are always running around macing these things in the face with special Weevil calming spray, and the Weevils are always trying to tear their flesh apart with their teeth.

But for some reason Weevils wear these neat little dark navy blue jumpsuits. Clean, uniform jumpsuits. So there’s this alien race that fell through a dimensional rift with only one murderous thought in their heads, but they also manage to have a textile industry? So they have two thoughts in their heads- murder and stitching up a sharp little outfit.

In addition to fashion conscious razor-fanged monsters, Torchwood is notable for featuring more cursing, sex, death and uncertainty than Doctor Who.

So if you’ve ever said to yourself ‘I wish I could watch something super British and science fiction-y like Doctor Who only people say the f-word and die in it’, then your wish just got granted and then sat around waiting on DVD for three years waiting on you to find out about it.