twitter on 2010-05-31
Why did the network administrator storm out of the restaurant? Because he couldn’t find a dedicated server. # My girlfriend flipped..
Tag Archives
Dead Rising 2
Wow, I barely wrote anything at all last week. What was I doing? Eating ice cream. The whole time, just ice cream. Ice cream sounds good,..
twitter on 2010-05-24
They should have a show where people amend errors made by Kelsey Grammer and call it “Correct Your Grammer”. # Damn, why does a..
twitter on 2010-05-17
The “Q” in the word “Barbeque” makes me think of a pig’s curly tail. # Dreamt my friends and I were Jedi. We..
twitter on 2010-05-10
Drunk guy with rakish mustache wearing Crocs laughing hysterically next to ATM with his drunk girlfriend. # “Oh, you’re from..
twitter on 2010-05-03
If Jake Gyllenhaal ever mutates into a giant city-destroying monster, I’ll finally get to yell, “Jake Gyllenhaal will kill us..
twitter on 2010-04-26
Here’s a tip for cleaning your bathroom: pull the shower curtain closed. Now you’re halfway done! # Y’all hear about the..
twitter on 2010-04-19
Y'all heard of the guy who plays Wu-Tang songs on his typewriter? Calls himself Old QWERTY Bastard. # Hey iPhone, just because the..
twitter on 2010-04-12
“man that Dixie Carter she 70 she dead” —me, trying to tell my girlfriend Dixie Carter had died and sounding like a hillbilly..
twitter on 2010-04-05
Hey did ya’ll hear they are making an all tree Deee-Lite cover band? Their big song is “Grove Is in the Heart”. # Saw the..
twitter on 2010-03-29
Congresswoman Jem and her staff the Holograms indicted on charges they misappropriated local and federal funds. Truly, truly outrageous. #..
twitter on 2010-03-22
Hey foursquare friends-how did it feel to get trounced by me, the King of Foursquare, this week? Oh also, health care. # Had a dream I was..
twitter on 2010-03-15
Guess who has to mail back his brand new malfunctioning T-mobile phone. Hint: not Steve Jobs. # Spilled sugar all over a businessman at..
twitter on 2010-03-08
Me: Hey Boy George, I’m away from my computer-could you update my tumblr account for me? Boy George: I’ll Tumble 4 Ya!..
twitter on 2010-03-01
Kid in Target, to his mom: “I was just thinking about monkeys.” Me too, kid. # Why would you have to bring jukebox money to the..
twitter on 2010-02-22
Tried to snap two shower curtain rings shut but accidentally crushed them both with my outsized strength. Why do I destroy what I love??!!..
twitter on 2010-02-15
An apeman looking dude keeps circling the prize car inside the ropes in the center of the mall. # Watching the snow from a mall. # What..
twitter on 2010-02-08
1990′s Ben Affleck was constantly visited by fancy goats because they had heard so much about his “goat tea”. # If a..
twitter on 2010-02-01
What if you could stockpile time like money and rappers were like,’Yeah I got those minutes!’ Wearing clocks around their..
twitter on 2010-01-25
Had a dream about Rikki-Tikki-Tavi the mongoose fighting a cobra behind my living room couch. # Invented a board game featuring hungry,..
twitter on 2010-01-18
I tell you what I need- I need a haircut. # Conan playing out the last days of The Tonight Show is a work of art. # “I am Senor..
