Tag Archives: vampires

Byzantium: When I Hit On Girls At The Bar, I Pretend To Be “The Lincoln Lawyer”

Byzantium: When I Hit On Girls At The Bar, I Pretend To Be “The Lincoln Lawyer”

Has the FDA approved a drug that turns the general population into “Paranormal Teen Romance” obsessed moviegoers? Honestly, I wish it was a fucking drug that caused this hysteria, because it seems like people are still obsessed with werewolves and vampires fucking without any good goddamn reason. [Ed note: What if a genie reads this and grants your wish?! Man, I hope nobody’s holding a monkey’s paw and reading your review out loud. Nobody grant Johnny’s wish, especially not in Robin Williams’ voice!]

The Lacy Hem Of His Embroidered Sleeve: A Review Of “Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles”

Christian Slater is interviewing a vampire and he’s wearing his best interviewing vest, so you know he’s going to ask the hard hitting questions. Come to think of it, he’s pretty surprised when Brad Pitt admits to being a vampire. Why did he want to interview him in the first place? Does he interview everybody he meets in an alleyway? Maybe he works for the Wino Times.

Brad Pitt starts telling the story of when he was a human back in the 1700’s. He spends most of his time feeling suicidal and hanging around fancy statues of angels because his family is dead. Given the high mortality rate back then, the fancy angel statue business must have been booming. Maybe that’s how Brad Pitt’s family got so wealthy, by being fancy angel statue barons. Then a Cajun accuses Brad Pitt of cheating at cards and pulls a gun on him. Brad Pitt pulls his flouncy ruffled shirt down to display his bare chest, presumably to help the bullet get to his heart faster. Gee, thanks— if you hadn’t pulled your frilly pirate shirt down I’d have never been able to murder you with this gun. In fact, most modern bullet proof vests include a layer of puffy lace fabric.

Anyway, Tom Cruise shows up and starts sucking Brad Pitt’s blood and it’s apparently so delicious he starts levitating up in the air. Guess that explains where Angelina Jolie got her ability to fly. Then Tom Cruises forces Brad Pitt to drink his blood from his wrist below the lacy hem of his embroidered sleeve, which is also the only way Tom Cruise will accept your friend request on Facebook. Brad Pitt turns into a vampire and sees a fancy angel statue open its eyes and look at him. That really was the golden age of fancy angel statue technology.

Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt tie their hair in ribbons and go on a vampire bender, drinking prostitutes’ blood and sleeping in top notch coffins. Then they turn a twelve year old Kirsten Dunst into a vampire. They dress her up like a doll and make sure she learns to play the piano. She and Tom Cruise go around playing the piano for families and killing them afterwards. How did word of mouth get around about this amazing twelve year old vampire pianist if they killed everybody they ever performed for? How did they even get in the door? Oh, hello! Can my “daughter” come in and play the piano for you? Yes, I know it’s the middle of the night and I made air quotes when I called her my daughter. She’s very good, though. Just let us in. No, you have to invite us in. Why do we have fangs and unnaturally pale and veiny skin? Look, do you want to hear Für Elise or not?

Kirsten Dunst and Brad Pitt get sick of Tom Cruise, so they slit his throat and throw him in a swamp to die. He survives and comes back for revenge so they set him on fire and flee the country, which is also the only way Tom Cruise will allow you to unfriend him on Facebook.

Then Kirsten Dunst and Brad Pitt meet some vampires who live in a theater and put on shows about death and drinking blood. They even kill people on stage during the performances! Way to challenge your craft, vampire actors. I’m not expecting On Golden Pond but not every performance has to end with you biting a naked lady on the neck and draining her blood. Also, have you considered not parading your victims around in front of a live audience? That’s how Frankenstein’s touring company of Guys and Dolls got shut down.

The vampire actors are mad at Kirsten Dunst for killing Tom Cruise so they lock her in an open chamber and let her turn into a pile of ash in the sunlight. Brad Pitt gets his revenge by burning them in their coffins and torching their entire theater. I bet theater critics all over the city were like, “Hooray!” Newspapers probably read “Shitty Stupid Vampire Theater Burns! No More Dumb Plays About Neck Biting! Wolfman And The Mummy Shine In ‘The Producers’!

Brad Pitt runs into Tom Cruise in modern times. Tom Cruise hasn’t changed clothes in two hundred years. He’s essentially got on one of my great-grandmother’s doilies. Somewhere an old woman’s tea trolley is in danger of tea cup ring stains. And then the interview is over! Also, this review. Good night!