Tag Archives: video games

Fatality Moves For Beginners: Mortal Kombat At The YMCA

Fatality Moves For Beginners: Mortal Kombat At The YMCA

Derek had never seemed to really notice me before, even though we were in physical science class together. Of course, there was probably a lot about middle school to which Derek hadn’t paid much attention, since he was supposed to have been a couple grades ahead of the rest of us. But everybody knew him. He was the school badass.

The only kid in 8th grade with his license, he was busted the first day he drove to school for having a katana in his back seat. Derek claimed he didn’t mean to bring the sword to school: that he had just forgotten to take it out. This, of course, suggested that in the place where some might casually toss an ice scraper or road atlas, he normally kept a goddamn ninja sword.

Three Deviled Eggs In A Big Red Basket: My Adventures In “Skyrim”

Three Deviled Eggs In A Big Red Basket: My Adventures In “Skyrim”

The first thing I did in Skyrim was join a group of warriors called The Companions. They turned out to be werewolves. Then I became a werewolf. Then I was cured of being a werewolf by cutting off a witch’s head. Later, I realized I’d misread the instructions and the cure for being a werewolf is cutting off a witch in traffic.

Scene Missing Episode 2: Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, Shame, Grand Theft Auto V, We Need to Talk About Kevin

Scene Missing Episode 2: Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, Shame, Grand Theft Auto V, We Need to Talk About Kevin

Internet comedienne Bunny McIntosh and geek apparel tycoon Everett Steele guest. Topics include upcoming films/games Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol, Shame, Grand Theft Auto V, and We Need to Talk About Kevin. Also discussed: moral ambiguity, bringing a helicopter to a knife fight, and the Sisyphean tasks of popular iPhone game Tiny Tower.

Imperial Trouble Episode 50: Batman: Arkham City And The Walking Dead

Imperial Trouble Episode 50: Batman: Arkham City And The Walking Dead

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Sam and Jason discuss Batman: Arkham City and season two of The Walking Dead, as well as their first gaming experiences, having a beef with GameFly, and all the nude scenes from the Patrick Swayze film Road House.

Portal 2

Portal 2

I have no idea what to say about this game. If Portal 2 was a president, it would be Abraham Lincoln. Everybody already knows about Abraham Lincoln. If you want to buy a $5 book about Abraham Lincoln, you’ll probably pay for it with a picture of Abraham Lincoln. Well, a five dollar bill, not a framed portrait of Lincoln. I guess maybe if the antique bookstore owner is willing to barter and is into Lincoln you could pull it off. “Hey….hey you… behind the counter at the bookstore- you into Abraham Lincoln pictures? No nudes!”

Right. Portal 2. If you like video games you probably bought it. Unless you’re one of those dudes (or ladies?) who only plays shooting games or hates having to think too much to play a game or something. ‘I hate thinking!’ thinks the brain of the idiot. Beautiful, complex little idiot brain. Synapses and neurons firing off in a miraculous ballet in order to form thoughts about hating thoughts. Maybe all the stars are nodes in an infinite network of intelligence, and the universe is thinking right now, thinking about how much it hates nerds and their nerd games.

I dropped my car off to get the oil changed earlier today. What a diference the letter “S” makes. If I had asked to get my car’s “oils” changed I’d have sounded like a crazy person, or a sultan. Nope, regular old “oil” change for me, thanks. One of the cars there had an enormous pink penis drawn on it. The penis was changing some oils of its own. I wonder why the artist chose to make it an action shot instead of a still life. The drawing was unsigned.

In Portal 2, you shoot a blue portal at a wall and another orange portal somewhere else like the ceiling or the floor and try to outwit GLaDOS, the feminine artificially intelligent computer system who tried to kill you in the first game. Stephen Merchant plays Wheatley, one of her personality cores. Portal 2 is an excellent game that made me very happy when I finished it. You know what else made me happy? On the way to get my car’s oil changed (oils?), I saw a girl joyriding around in her wheelchair with a little terrier dog in her lap. On the way back, I saw her again with the same dog but she’d changed shirts.

Should you buy Portal 2? Probably, it’s really just a fantastic game. But some people hate Scrabble (me), and just because you don’t want to stare at a bunch of letters trying to think of words all night doesn’t mean you should have to wear a dunce cap. Maybe Portal 2 is your Scrabble. But I eventually learned to like Words With Friends on my iPhone. Who’s wearing the dunce cap now? Is it Abraham Lincoln? Because I can get you a picture of that.

Anyway, I was nearly home from my admittedly eventful oil change, and I saw a man in a business suit on a hot pink bike wearing a Batman backpack. The suit said “captain of industry”, but the bicycle and backpack said “pink phallus erupting crudely on the side of a car.” He threw something into the nearby bushes (gum? a rock?) and pedaled furiously away. So long, whatever that was! I’ve got all I need in this child-sized Batman backpack!

Meanwhile, the synapses and neurons of the universe continued working together to form thoughts, thoughts of the man on the bike, the girl in the wheelchair with the dog, Portal 2, a penis on a car, inexpensive books about Abraham Lincoln and me writing this, ending this review, so long for now.

Dead Rising 2

Dead Rising 2

Wow, I barely wrote anything at all last week. What was I doing? Eating ice cream. The whole time, just ice cream. Ice cream sounds good, but “iced cream” sounds amazing, right? I picture a big frosty bowl of cream, full of ice flakes and vanilla extract. If cats could read the internet, I bet they’d “like” that on Facebook.

Anyway, running a website is thirsty work, especially in this modern age, aka “the golden age of indifference”. You ever try to get a celebrity on twitter to respond to your kinda-jokey-but-acknowledge-me-please tweet on twitter? Refresh, refresh. They are never going to admit that you tweeted at them. Twitter court is in session. Did this fan of yours tweet you an @ message, Jennifer Lopez? NO? CASE DISMISSED. Where was I? Oh right, thirsty work. I broke my rule about drinking out of the ginger ale bottle from the fridge and it was amazing. No more glasses for this lucky son of a bitch!

I played Dead Rising 2 all day yesterday, from noon to one in the morning. I took a break to eat spaghetti and watch half an episode of Justified. I’m sure any lady would be happy to get in bed with Timothy Olyphant, I bet he has a tight little body. What, I can’t say that? Well, sorry heterosexual world! Guess I’ll have to pack my bags and turn in my straight guy card, I suppose all those years of eating Hot Pockets and listening to Too $hort have been in vain.

You know what I love about Dead Rising 2? All the time management. You gotta rescue people and be at different places at different times or you lose the game. Like being Timothy Olyphant’s publicist and having to juggle interviews and topless beefcake calender posing appointments. Justify These Abs 2011!

Also, I love being able to pick out clothes for my character. I like dressing up dudes made of pixels more than I like dressing myself. It takes all my effort not to wear a too-tight promotional Green Hornet T-shirt every day of the week. Dead Rising 2 has all kind of outfits you can mix and match. I went with a tennis headband, collegiate outfit and aviator glasses so I looked like Luke Wilson’s tennis pro from The Royal Tenenbaums. Go Mordecai!

I have to admit that despite being a rational adult who does not find cartoon characters attractive, I found lady reporter Rebecca Chang quite fetching. Almost enough to do a Google image search for her with SafeSearch turned “Off”. Don’t coddle me, Google image search, I know what I’m doing! Searching Google Images sans SafeSearch is like being Cate Blanchett in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. You think you want all that information, but it will melt your face off.

My only issue with Dead Rising 2, which was minor because I burned through most of the game in a single day, was that there seemed to be a lot of repeating zombies. I must have passed that fat zombie like three thousand times! You know when you say goodbye to someone and then it turns out that they are going the same direction as you, so now your first goodbye means nothing, so you keep making conversation until you think it’s safe to say goodbye again, then whoomp there it is they are like, haha I’m actually riding with you and they get in your car and your second goodbye is now also useless?

I felt like this whole game was like that with the fat zombie and the zombie in the hat and the lady zombie in the sensible Payless ShoeSource outfit. Goodbye, zombies in the casino, I’m going into the mall now! What? How did you get in here? Oh well, goodbye mall zombies, I’m going to the underground tunnels! Whaaaat? You again?! I killed you with a lightsaber I made out of gems and a flashlight!

Which, come to think of it, is how lightsabers would be built if only rich old ladies looking for a circuit-breaker box in their basement were Jedi. Good night, everybody!

How It’s Going So Far In Fallout: New Vegas

This game is half wasteland apocalypse and half Frank Sinatra’s Las Vegas, so there’s a lot of dust and neon signs. And ruined stuff. And rubble. The last time I saw this much rubble was on Fred Flintstone’s Facebook page. Boarded up houses, empty bottles everywhere. In fact, I’ve never seen so many empty bottles in my life. You’d think after the apocalypse there’d be less intact glass bottles lying around.

Everybody I meet is dirty, except for the people in stylish Vegas suits, which are also dirty. I’m assuming everyone in the game is snaggletoothed, but video games rarely let you look in people’s mouths. Which is a shame, really. I can’t wait for the next generation of consoles to come out so I can really get in there and see the fillings on the teeth of the Super Mario Brothers in HD.

Everybody has a life-threatening errand for me to do seconds after meeting me. “Hey there stranger, could you go pick up a golden bottle cap for me? It’s hidden underneath some giant radioactive scorpions. You’ll literally spend forty minutes checking your map, wandering around and then dying of scorpion stings trying to find it.”

“Salutations, pal- I know I just made your acquaintance, but would you mind taking care of my personal business for me with a bunch of minor tasks? I’d do it myself, but I have to stay inside this building for the rest of my life for some reason.”

Also, my guns don’t seem to work very well against anything. I switched to punching people’s heads off with a pair of spiked brass knuckles. If someone has a laser gun, I just walk toward them letting the lasers hit me, then I punch-decapitate them. Sometimes they get me first and I evaporate and check Twitter on my phone. You’d think a man who’d walk into lasers just to punch you hard enough to separate your head from your neck would be harder to kill, but I die all the time.

Actually, I’m a woman. I got a girlish side bob haircut so I look like a waitress from the 1940’s, but grimier. More eggs, President Roosevelt? I guess she’s a waitress in the White House. Also, I have a tendency to take the hats off of everyone I kill. And a tendency to kill everyone in a hat. So I got a lot of hats. I thought my lady character would look sexy in a fedora, but you have to be sexy before you wear a hat and then the hat makes you sexier, I’ve learned. You can’t transform an ugly duckling into a swan with a fedora. Wish I could tell that to myself in high school before I posed for the yearbook photo.

So I’m running around in different stylish hats, punching heads off of passerby and taking their hats like a game of fedora whack-a-mole. Then an Elvis impersonator gives me his cyborg dog. My driving instructor in high school was a professional Elvis impersonator. He had a silky, velveteen Elvis voice. If you closed your eyes, it was like being taught to drive by the King himself. But then you had to open your eyes real quick because you were driving a car.

Anyway, I’m finally starting to learn how to manipulate the game’s menus enough to not die a hot dusty death every time I walk out of a sexbot brothel or a casino. This whole game feels like a spiritual successor to Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, with all the surreal landscapes and weird sketchy people and Vegas-ness. If I had to do it all over again, I would have made my character look like Hunter S. Thompson.

The Bill Murray Where The Buffalo Roam Hunter S. Thompson, though.  Sorry, Johnny Depp. If they ever make a Benny & Joon game, you’ll be my first pick, I promise. Press X to make a bread roll look like dancing feet! Now press Y to make “Charlie Chaplin eyes” at Mary Stuart Masterson! Now push left on the D-pad to accept a Golden Globe. DO A BARREL ROLL!