Tag Archives: What Dreams May Come

The Song Goes Back To The Skeleton: Questions About Heaven Raised By “What Dreams May Come”

The Song Goes Back To The Skeleton: Questions About Heaven Raised By “What Dreams May Come”

In which Jason and Bobbin Wages discuss the trailer for What Dreams May Come.

JASON

Hi, Bobbin.

You know what a good superpower would be? The ability to take a song that’s stuck in your head, and put it back in the head of the person that wrote it. Send it back to the source, as it were. “Return to sender!” as Elvis would say. Or as he would hear over and over again in his own head, if I had my way. I wonder how my new superpower would work if the songwriter was dead. The song goes back to their skeleton, I suppose, to play out of their skull.

Trying To Snapchat A Possum Is How Nick Fury Lost An Eye In The First Place: Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Trying To Snapchat A Possum Is How Nick Fury Lost An Eye In The First Place: Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

In which Jason and Laura Relyea review the trailer for Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D..

JASON

Looks like Agent Coulson from The Avengers was playing possum this whole time! I don’t blame him, though. It’s probably fun to fake your own funeral. Hell, it’s probably fun just being a possum.

Last week I found a possum behind my apartment complex when I was walking my dog. We all froze at the same time and looked at each other. The possum didn’t even have the common courtesy to perceive me as a threat and play dead.

Then again, maybe I’m the one who should have played dead for his benefit. Possums would probably appreciate it now and again if somebody else would pretend to die for a change.

“Oh, shit,” I thought. “I gotta Instagram this possum!”

18 Again!: If George Burns Had Switched Bodies With A California Raisin In 1988, Nobody Would Have Been Able To Tell The Difference

18 Again!: If George Burns Had Switched Bodies With A California Raisin In 1988, Nobody Would Have Been Able To Tell The Difference

In which Jason and Nick Tecosky review the 1976 trailer for 18 Again!. Part of a series of trailer reviews for body-switching comedies of the 70′s, 80′s, and 90′s.

JASON

Let’s go ahead and get one thing out the way. Saying that George Burns is celebrating his birthday “in his grandson David’s body” is an odd way to phrase things, right? For example, if I were to say to you, “Nick Tecosky, tonight I’m celebrating my birthday…in your body,” there’d be no other way to interpret that, right? Would you assume that a birthday wish is going to swap our bodies, or would you assume that I plan to just go to town on you while Jeremih’s “Birthday Sex” plays in the background?

Now, at the time 18 Again! was in theaters, George Burns was 81. It was totally legal to fuck him. I would say that it was the most legal it’s ever been to fuck George Burns. It was so legal to fuck George Burns that you could get a law degree just by giving him a hand job.

But you might want to brush up on your George Burns age-of-consent laws, because thanks to some birthday-wish-related magic, he’s about to swap bodies with his 18 year old grandson David, inside of whom he’s apparently going to be “celebrating.” George Burns’ decrepit-turned-nubile body is now skirting the boundaries of legality, is what I mean to say.

Nick. NICK. Celebrated octogenarian George Burns is now officially barely legal.

NICK

First off: When you worry about semantics, you undercut the true horror of this film.

Which is, of course, the strange attitude that our sexy-barely-legal-81-year-old clearly has about his new body: Oh, shit, I can drink heavily and chain smoke again! This is an excuse to be totally reckless USING SOMEONE ELSE’S BODY. I can have sex again! USING MY GRANDSON’S PENIS. I AM USING MY GRANDSON’S BODY TO LIVE OUT FANTASIES. I can be best friends with Paulie Shore all day long BECAUSE THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES TO MY ACTIONS. I mean, if it were a stranger’s body, fuck it. I don’t owe this kid anything. Besides, every youngster should experience crabs at least once, right, Gracie?

The scene that they never show in these body-switch movies is the scene wherein the protagonist has to take a crap and all at once he realizes that he is going to have to take that crap USING HIS GRANDFATHER’S GRAYING ASSHOLE.

He is going to have to pull down his pants and sit on that padded toilet seat, and he is going to have to experience that, and even if he gets back to his own body in the end, he is going to have to live with that experience for the rest of his days. Oh, not such a crazy thrill-ride now, is it? Whose idea was this anyway? Is this a nightmare? Am I being taught a lesson? Why doesn’t the universe just kill me? Why is this apple buried in my thorax?

The Kind Of Thing That Shows Up In R. Crumb’s Heaven: A Recap Of “What Dreams May Come”

Robin Williams is driving a little wooden boat around on a lake in Switzerland. He’s wearing a really thick sweater. Seems like that sweater would just drag him down to his watery grave if he fell into the lake. Then he crashes his boat into a pretty lady’s boat. Instead of capsizing and dying a soggy woolen sweater-related death, he goes on a picnic with the lady. “Soon.” the sweater thinks to itself.

Robin Williams marries the boat woman and they have two children with androgynous haircuts. His wife runs an art gallery so she has a haircut like He-Man. “By the pageboy of Grayskull! I hang the paintings!” Then their children get killed in a car wreck. Then Robin Williams gets killed in a car wreck. He is survived by his wife’s bangs and his sweater.

Then Robin Williams goes to Heaven! Everything is made of paint because he loves paintings so much. I love macaroni and cheese but I don’t want to live in a house made of it when I go to Heaven. Also, his dog is there. Even though Robin Williams gets to fly and run really fast and manifest physical objects with his thoughts, his dog has no special powers and has to keep being a regular dog. Maybe the dog is in dog purgatory. He probably rejected dog Jesus but lived a good life anyway.

Cuba Gooding, Jr. shows Robin Williams the ropes in Heaven. Robin Williams asks him if there’s a God. Cuba Gooding, Jr. says yes, God’s up there “shouting down that he loves us and wondering why we can’t hear him.” An affectionate hobo with laryngitis on some scaffolding might have that problem, but God can probably make himself heard whenever he wants.

Turns out whatever Robin Williams’s wife paints on Earth appears in his Heaven because they are soul mates. So he sees a tree that she painted come to life and bloom flowers. Good thing for him she doesn’t paint Tijuana bibles starring Scrooge McDuck or Harry Potter/Draco erotic art. Guess that’s the kind of thing that shows up in R. Crumb’s Heaven.

Also, Robin Williams won’t take his trenchcoat off in Heaven. With all the lakes and clouds and dripping paint it looks pretty humid up there. He’s got to be burning up in that thing. Then he meets a beautiful Asian woman. She takes him to a steampunk beach where everyone wears lace and flies around. Apparently they’re flying away to help people be reborn as babies on Earth. Hey, I’m here to help you become a baby! How? I don’t know, but look at my crazy parasol! And I got some goggles and a top hat! Now go get in a vagina!

There’s also steampunk dudes riding penny-farthings wearing white gloves. Where are you guys going? To the art-collective bicycle co-op to drink PBR! Then a mermaid flies up out of the water into the sky. I don’t want to tell you how to do your mermaid business, but the whole reason you have fins instead of legs or wings is so you don’t have to take to the skies. Grass is always greener I guess.

Then the hot Asian woman tells Robin Williams that when she was alive she overheard her father say Asian women were “lovely and graceful” so that’s why she looks Asian in Heaven. Then she reveals she’s actually his daughter. Here’s a tip— if you’re going to be giving your dad the “welcome to Heaven” tour, don’t choose an appearance that gave him a boner when he was alive.

Back to Robin Williams’s wife on Earth. She’s eating frosting and contemplating suicide. That Hieronymus Bosch painting over her bed probably isn’t helping. Let’s see, I’ve got 400 thread count sheets, a white noise machine and an enormous depiction of the souls of the damned being devoured by bird headed demons. Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream!

Cuba Gooding, Jr. tells Robin Williams his wife committed suicide and he can never see her again because suicides go to Hell and nobody has ever brought a suicide back from Hell before. Robin Williams is still wearing his trenchcoat. They go to Heaven’s library to get a “tracker” to find his wife. They find Max von Sydow floating in the air reading a book and wearing a fur coat and flamboyant hat. Guess he’s reading up on how to dress for The Players Ball.

They take a boat to Hell through a crazy storm and a bunch of dirty naked people come up out of the sea and surround them with arms outstretched. Must be what it’s like to be in front of the Michael Franti and Spearhead stage at Bonnaroo. Then Cuba Gooding, Jr. reveals he’s actually Robin Williams’s son. Robin Williams must have mentioned that Snow Dogs gave him an erection at one point when he was alive.

Max von Sydow and Robin Williams find his wife in a filthy Hell version of their house and Max von Sydow says Robin Williams has three minutes to talk to her and after that he’ll go insane, like the five second rule for food, if every time you ate a dropped piece of toast you had to look into a soul-destroying void of madness and depravity. Which is actually how the Little Miss Sunbeam bread logo was created.

Anyway, Robin Williams refuses to leave his wife’s side even though he knows he’ll lose his mind in Hell. You know what else he refuses to leave in Hell? His coat. Anyway, his sacrifice saves his wife’s soul and they both go to Heaven. What about all the other suicides in Hell? Oh, sorry— you need a spouse or loved one to risk their sanity on your behalf in order to leave Hell. What’s that you say? Your life of loneliness and inability to find someone to love you drove you to suicide in the first place? Get back in the fire, loser!

Ultimately, What Dreams May Come was a beautiful movie with gorgeous visuals and flawed logic, unless you’re the founder and CEO of Burlington Coat Factory, and then it’s a triumph of the human spirit. The end!