Tag Archives: William Shatner

I Wish You’d Make It So, Number One: 12/09 In Review

I Wish You’d Make It So, Number One: 12/09 In Review

Michael Bay is in negotiations to direct a fourth Transformers film. I think Michael Bay should make a movie about Gobots. You could get Gobots for a quarter at Kmart when I was a kid. So cheap. Put them in your mouth, who cares. Put Michael Bay in your mouth while you’re at it. I bet a Gobot would put Michael Bay in his mouth for a part in a Transformers movie.

The Mythbusters accidentally shot a cannonball through a family’s home while shooting an episode. Witnesses reported the cannon fired prematurely after seeing Kari Byron in a swimsuit. I tweeted that joke and was pretty proud of it.

Nichelle Nichols revealed the character of Spock on Star Trek was originally written as a woman. For some reason, when I think of a lady Spock, I think of her having long, amazing, beautiful hair. I had a strange, half-asleep thought about Spock being female when I woke up this morning: “This is the kind of thing that happens when William Shatner wishes on a monkey’s paw.” Did characters ever make wishes on Star Trek? “I wish you’d make it so, number one.” “I wish you’d beam me up, Scotty.” I bet William Shatner makes wishes all the time on the lock of Leonard Nimoy’s hair he keeps in his wallet.

James Earl Jones revealed that George Lucas initially wanted Orson Welles to play the role of Darth Vader. Last night a cute bartender girl told me that she had a hooded sweatshirt exactly like mine, because she stole it from a guy she dated. We both agreed that it was incredibly comfortable. Then she said it was a good thing she wasn’t wearing it last night because then we’d both be wearing the same thing, and I said the world wouldn’t fall off its axis if two people wore the same sweatshirt. I guess the world wouldn’t have fallen off its axis either if Orson Welles had played Darth Vader.

PICTURED: Darth Vader. He probably sounds like Orson Welles.

Finally, this French Bulldog puppy hates an ice cube. In his defense, he ordered his whiskey neat.

The Kind Of Hot That Vanishes With Your Girlfriend: A Criticism Of “Fanboys”

One of the conceits of Fanboys is that Jay Baruchel’s nerd and Kristen Bell’s nerd are madly in love, but their nerdiness gets in the way because he’s too shy and thinks of her as one of the boys because she quotes Han Solo and wears nerdy T-shirts. So does every hot girl on the internet. If I had a midi-chlorian for every picture of a cute pixie girl with a Luke Skywalker shirt online, I’d have enough to Force Choke twenty Ewoks.

And it’s not like Jay Baruchel and Kristen Bell are believable as people  who’d have a hard time getting laid, no matter what movies they like. Jay Baruchel is the kind of hot that vanishes with your girlfriend at a Brooklyn loft party. Oh, where’s my girlfriend? I think she went on the roof with Jay Baruchel. Noooooooooo! Kristen Bell is so hot she’d make a preacher lay his bible down, to quote Texas bluesman Mance Lipscomb. And then sell that bible to buy Millennium Falcon condoms.

And what the hell does Fanboys have against gay people? Everything is like, “You’re gay! That’s gay! Gay this, gay that!” I’m sure some people might say, “Thats how me and my friends talk to each other all the time and we’re Star Wars fans!” Look, nobody cares what you and your friends say to each other in the privacy of your own Chewbacca bedsheet fort. Though you should know that masturbating to a deviantART drawing of two Slave Leias making out doesn’t count as supporting gay culture. I’m just saying, why even throw gay jokes in a movie about Star Wars fans breaking into Skywalker Ranch? What the hell does Dan Fogler mincing around and lisping like a redneck at the Atlanta Pride Festival have to do with Star Wars?

Fanboys had a bunch of celebrity cameos, including William Shatner. I met William Shatner once— he even posed with Leonard Nimoy for one of the best photographs I’ve ever taken. He also managed not to make any slurs against gay people in the five minutes I spent with him, so Fanboys might want to take a leaf out of Shatner’s book. Anyway, Fanboys is like the Ocean’s Eleven of movies about liking Star Wars, if George Clooney worked at a comic book shop and was afraid of two penises touching each other. Also, Fanboys features Kristen Bell in a metal bikini, which is like Nerds candy and Dairy Queen Blizzards— you had no idea how much you liked the combination until you experienced it for yourself. Come to think of it, they should make a Star Wars Blizzard called the DQ Nerf Herder. Or the Ackbar Crunch. It’s a frap(puccino-flavored frozen treat)!

Star Trek

I watched Star Trek last weekend on Netflix Instant Streaming. They didn’t have it in HD! For shame, Netflix! Look, I understand that some things are going to be in standard definition. If I’m streaming season one of Mama’s Family, I don’t need every blue hair on Thelma Harper’s head to be in crisp high definition. But Star Trek? That’s like having a machine that makes Dairy Queen Blizzards and serving up McFlurries instead. Turn on that Blizzard machine, Dairy Queen! That having been said, I’ve seen Mama’s Family in 1080p and it’s visually stunning. Just amazing, the detail on her apron and pearl necklace.

Tyler Perry is in this movie but he isn’t dressed like Madea. I wish he was, though. I wish any time someone in Starfleet won a medal or got promoted, Madea had to perform the ceremony. They could say she was resurrected from DNA or she’s a holodeck simulation like when Picard got to match wits with Moriarty and wear a Sherlock Holmes hat. I googled that and it turns out Data was the one wearing the hat. I don’t care that I remembered a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode incorrectly. Oh, I’m Madea! I’m a wise old lady in a dress! Here’s your Star Trek gold medal! Shazam! I clearly have never been to see a Madea film. I’m sorry. Who am I apologizing to? The holographic Madea in the Star Trek future, of course.

Still an amazing movie, though. Leonard Nimoy shows up to play old Spock and meet young Kirk and young Spock. All those Vulcans wearing bowl haircuts. Is that all they have in Vulcan barbershops? Bowls? I guess they always have a place to put their cereal. Well, at least they did until their whole planet got blown up. No, our booooowls!

Winona Ryder is Spock’s mom. She should start a band called Spock’s Mom. You know she’d have to cover “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.” Leonard Nimoy rolling his eyes in the crowd, thinking, ‘Why did I ever record that shit I hate you Youtube.’

Chris Pine is the Captain Kirk-iest Captain Kirk that ever there was. I bet William Shatner thought he swapped bodies with Chris Pine. Calling him up in the middle of the night, give me my body back! But he had the wrong number and called George Takei instead. Sulu, give me that body back! Well, that’s going to lead to romantic confusion.  Man, I got pictures of all three of those dudes: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy and George Takei. Take that, people without extensive collections of photographs of Star Trek luminaries.

I bet Zachary Quinto is glad he got the role of Spock because Heroes turned out to be really terrible. Now he can tell everybody he was in one of the best science fiction movies ever made. That’s right. THE BEST. Simon Pegg is even in this thing and when Simon Pegg shows up nerd goosebumps are sure to follow. Speaking of goosebumps, I fed some geese in the park today on my lunchbreak. And there was a bossy duck in the pond who was going QUACK QUACK QUACK! What do you want from me, duck?! I named him Spike because his feathers were all ruffled and they looked like spikes. That’s it for the duck story.

Oh- and the green lady Captain Kirk was making out with looked like She-Hulk. Too bad J.J. Abrams wasn’t like let’s just put She-Hulk in this thing we already got Madea. Apple used a still photo from Star Trek to advertise its iPad and iPod products for a while. Kiss my ass, Apple, this movie is cooler than you. I wrote Steve Jobs an email one time and he never even replied. Booooooooo, Steve Jobs.