Tag Archives: Zombieland

Zombieland

Columbus is a skinny virgin with a nervous stomach and a shotgun. Tallahassee is heavily armed and has a cowboy hat. They team up to look for Twinkies and fight zombies. Hot girl con artist Wichita and her sister Little Rock trick them out of their guns in a grocery store but then they all decide to fight zombies together.

I went to a zombie prom last year at Dragon*Con but there wasn’t much dancing going on. Lot of people dressed as zombies, though. I kept thinking about what it would be like if a real zombie got loose at an event where people were already dressed as zombies. I think you’d have to just set a curtain on fire and lock the door. Man, you better hope I don’t ever come to a zombie prom and mistake someone for a real zombie because apparently I will burn it to the ground without a moment’s hesitation.

In the movie, electricity was still running in spite of the zombies. Does the power grid go on auto-pilot if left unattended? In the event of a zombie outbreak, I always pictured a blood spattered electric company helmet hanging askew on a computer monitor blinking red warnings: SHUT-DOWN IMMINENT, that sort of thing. Maybe the electricity stays on for years. Also, what happens to the internet? If it does stay up, I bet survivors would spend a lot of time looking at porn. But then you’d be looking at porn of someone who is probably a zombie now. Well, that ruins the mood. You know what would be crazy? If you got on Chatroulette and every third webcam was a zombie because nobody bothered to turn off their computer before they caught the virus. That would be an improvement to what you see on every third webcam now on Chatroulette.

Zombieland is a really good movie. The slow motion zombie chase scenes, glass flying around everywhere, zombies on fire, playful use of typography. Playful use of typography? Good lord am I writing a review for Fussy Little Critic Monthly?! It’s a very popular magazine. It comes wrapped in a lace doily, the paper is made of compressed bee whiskers and every issue is hand crafted by a fair maiden who thinks only of her true love’s kiss.

Anyway, when I went to see this movie in an Atlanta theater some guy in the back row kept talking on his cell phone. At one point he was actually giving someone directions to someplace else other than the theater. When there was an onscreen kiss the dude in the back yelled, “ONLY IN THE MOVIES!!!” Yes, exactly. That’s where we were. THE MOVIES. Not the headquarters of Google maps.Maybe he got confused because there were nerds there to see Zombieland. Oh shit look at those dorks, this must be Google. When I watched Zombieland again last night, I kept wondering what I was missing and then realized no one was ruining it for me so I yelled, “ONLY IN MY APARTMENT” for old times sake.

Spoiler Alert

Wichita and Little Rock leave Tallahassee and Columbus (and Bill Murray’s mansion) behind to go to an amusement park because they heard there were no zombies in it. They get there in the middle of the night and turn on all the lights and get on the rides. Why would they just throw all caution to the wind like that? They just got done surviving a zombie outbreak, why would they think the loudest brightest place in town was the best spot for a zombie free experience?

Far be it from me to judge, though- I love Six Flags and White Water even though nobody will go with me anymore. I’d probably go in the middle of a zombie uprising, too. Get chased around by that old man from the Six Flags commercials. Dude in a Bugs Bunny suit with blood on his fur. Damn, now I’m scaring myself. And White Water would be even worse, with the clutching rotting hands of the dead rising up from the lazy river. I would still get on at least one water slide. The Tornado, probably. That’s a slide shaped like a giant megaphone and you have to climb all these flights of stairs to get to the top. I bet you’d have to fight all kinds of zombies in your swim trunks to get up there.

Damn, it’s hot this summer. I might fight some living non-zombie people to get to the top of that thing. Who wants to go to White Water?